Sunday, January 29, 2012

Poetry

Apparently People Want to Be Birds

Now, I know there's an entire fandom dedicated to "unleashing your inner animal," but usually those people are ostracized by "normal" society and routinely insulted by the media and essentially anybody who isn't one of them. However, it seems that while not everybody wants to wear a stinky Disney Land costume, we all secretly desire to be birds. Or rather, society makes us secretly claim that we desire to be birds.

But I mean, who wouldn't want to be a bird? Flying above the world, nothing but the wind currents holding you back from your wildest ambitions. Having some babies for a season before letting them fly off to bird-bone their not-so-distant half-sisters. Not worrying about any stupid "economy" because you know the only thing with any value is a plump earthworm, and there's plenty of them to go around. Just shitting wherever you happen to be passing by. Yeah, birds got it made!

Oh, that's right. Here I am rambling on about how people want to be birds and how awesome it would be if it were and I haven't fully explained myself yet. You're probably staring at the screen wondering exactly what the hell I'm on about, and where all this nonsense came from. Well, I could go into great details explaining the psychology at work, or I could do this the simple way.

Do you want me to do it the simple way?

Very well then. I shall reveal to you that you do secretly wish to be a bird in just a few short seconds.

Quickly now, if you are a male, unbutton your trousers, stretch open that boxers, suck in the gut, and take a gander at that dangly little buddy chilling out around your thighs. What do you call him? Let me give you a hint:


No? Still don't get it? How about this then:


Oh, you understand now! I knew you'd get it, Sherlock.

Now for the ladies. Kindly unstrap your bras, lift off your shirt, and hold that pair of flesh balloons nice and firm. What exactly are they called again?


Don't worry if you didn't catch that one. It's a little less obvious than the guys. Let my friend help you out a little bit:


And as for that thing hiding beneath the skirt? Too many names to count.

Clearly something is amiss. Society isn't just naming intimate organs after avians on some whimsical flight of fancy, is it? No no, there is a devilish plan here. It must all go back to the industry fatcats. Ah, of course, the cats! It all makes perfect sense now! Of course it is the cats that would want us to believe ourselves nothing more than bird-brained turkeys. With no more hairless apes to stand in their way, they will rise up and devour the world like it was some kind of grand chicken cordon bleu! Rise fellow humans! Rise and fight the feline menace!

Friday, January 13, 2012

5 Non-Video Game Characters I'd Like to See in Smash Bros.

If you spend any amount of time on my blog, you should have absolutely no trouble understanding exactly what Super Smash Bros. is and that I am inappropriately in love with everything about the damn franchise. Well, except for that random tripping nonsense they tried to shove at us in Brawl. And the randomly backfiring items. And some of the awful stages. I loved the Emissary though! Loved it!

Anyways, since some of you live under a rock (or Yertle the Turtle, I'm not judging), Smash Bros. is a video game franchise that pits Nintendo all-stars such as Mario, Donkey Kong, and Pikachu against one another in mortal combat. With occasional guest appearances by Sonic the Hedgehog, and some bloke in who doesn't shave - I mean - Solid Snake.

"Thought you were talkin' about me, Bub."
Typically when I create pathetic little fanlists of who exactly I want to see punching Yoshi in the face (that's a lie, I main Yoshi) I try to keep a few rules. The characters must have appeared on a Nintendo console (although usually I try to keep them Nintendo owned as well), the characters must have originated in a video game, and the character must not annoy the piss out of me. However, like all terrible, awful fans, I sometimes like to think "What if Naruto somehow ended up in Smash Bros.? Man, that'd be cool." And when that happens, you get things like this, because I do not feel like cluttering my Fantasy Smash Bros. set with this nonsense.

So I present, in no particular order, five characters I'd personally like to see in Smash Bros. that were born outside of video games.

1. Captain N

Kind of a given once you think about it. Captain N: the Game Master was a DIC cartoon in the late 80's and early 90's that detailed the adventures of Kevin Keene, otherwise known as Captain N, as he journeyed through Videoland at the side of the high-haired Princess Lana. Joining him were known characters such as Simon Belmont, Mega Man, and even an identity confused Pit. The ragtag team hopscotched from one classic video game universe to another, meeting up with Link and Zelda, Bayou Billy, and Donkey Kong along the way.

Basically this was the video game Super Friends.
Armed with his trusty Zapper lightgun, Captain N battled the forced of evil led by none other than Mother Brain, the most vile of all retro villains. Oddly, Captain N never encountered the Mario Bros. or their nemesis, King Koopa, although as mentioned above, he did cross paths with Donkey Kong. 

I must say, that shower cap is quite dashing.
Poor artwork aside, Captain N: The Game Master was basically Captain N: The Really Long Commercial That Demands You Buy An NES to Understand. Not only did this show insist that you have an NES, but it dropped in a dash of nearly every major title on it. Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Punch-Out!, Mega Man, even Duck Hunt. In one sense Captain N was Smash Bros: The Animation before there even was a Super Smash Bros..

Captain N, cheesy as he was, was a great celebration of all Nintendonerds everywhere. Almost all of Nintendo's big guns got a chance to shine in some animated spotlight, making sure that everybody had at least one episode they could watch. The Captain is a cherished and treasured part of Nintendo's animated history, so it only makes sense that he should appear in the greatest celebration of Nintendo's overall history. I mean, if ROB gets to be in to represent Nintendo's unfortunate history with add-on technology, then Captain N should have at least a little chance to represent Nintendo's cinematic history. A history which has been almost as important as their video games since the very beginning.

Plus with twenty years between now and the end of Captain N (holy crap, I'm getting old), there's a lot of room to reimagine the characters in a more modern, Smashing way. Just look at what they did with Mach Rider.

Cheesy 80's costume, prepare to be badassed.
Not only could they make him look cooler, but Captain N has some incredible moveset potential. Especially when it comes to appeasing N-Fans. His standard attack, obviously, would be the Zapper, the original Nintendo lightgun. Captain N could also utilize other NES-era add-ons such as the Power Glove. His Zapper has the additional ability to fire ice-Tetris blocks, and he wears the almighty Power Pad (an NES controller) on his belt which can stop time, allow him to jump great distances, and make him move at super speeds.

Being the only semi-plausable character on this list, it's my hope that Captain N will be showing up in a Smash Bros. title sometime soon, with Princess Lana showing up to lend a hand.

2. Dexter, Boy Genius

Younger readers are going to bitch and whine about how the "Boy Genius" title belongs to a chestnut headed oaf named Jimmy Neutron, but I'm going to have to give them a swift back hand and a stern, disapproving look because the original boy genius has always been Dexter. 

"This "Jimmy"... Is he related to Mandark?"
Originally I was going to give this spot to one of the Powerpuff Girls, but I just couldn't choose which one, and making them some kind of cooperative or tag character seemed degrading somehow. I also reasoned that Dexter seems to be Cartoon Network's Mario, showing up as the leader of the Cartoon Cartoons in all of their crossover events (he is the leader of the resistance in both FusionFall and Punch Time Explosion.)

Dexter uses his genius to better the world, acting as a savior and sometimes superhero wherever he may be needed, and whenever he can be arsed to get there. Not only has he managed to stop various alien races and rival super geniuses from enslaving the planet on numerous occassions, but he's also the only character with the ability to travel through multiple dimensions to unite the multiverse's greatest heroes.

Like in Punch Time Explosion, which I'm about to get to.
Like in Punch Time Explosion, which is, despite being a somewhat shallow, unfinished knock-off, the only Smash Bros. clone that managed to do it right. Or at least, almost right. It's heart was in the right place, it was just off the mark a little bit, and probably rushed on through by accountants. I hate accountants. Either way, it is the most notable Smash clone so far, and it did a pretty good job of delving into each show's individual histories to find out what makes them all likeable and unique.

Unfortunately they thought it was Cheese.
Because of his role in PTE, Dexter's movelist is largely already figured out. All that needs to be done is a bit of balancing and Smashifying to make him feel right at home alongside Ness and Jeff.

3. Mickey Mouse


Mickey Mouse is often considered the bane of everything positive and worth experiencing, even though he repeatedly proves that this reputation is absolute bullshit perpetuated by people too afraid of their own inner child to acknowledge anything different. On most days, however, I would not be so quick to add the Mouseketeer to my dream list of Smash all-stars. It is kind of true that once Disney is involved with anything, they rape everyone else who has any part in it.

However, as I quickly walked by my brother's bedroom I happened to catch a glimpse of two large white gloves bouncing across The Lake Shore. I had to do a double take, because for just that brief instant I thought that Mickey had somehow forced his way into Brawl, and that I just hadn't unlocked him yet. And neither had the rest of the world...

Fortunately for my sanity it turned out to be Mario, but the experience made me realize something: Mickey Mouse would look almost completely natural in this environment, with these characters, doing these things. Far more natural than almost every other possible cartoon character. And beyond that, he is the only cartoon character with an all-star status high enough to transcend the laws and expectations of everything in the known universe.

Exhibit A.
Even without stealing aspects of the King Mickey character portrayed in Kingdom Hearts, the Mouse has starred in way more than enough adventures to have a comprehensive and idnetifiable list of moves. How about borrowing a little from that Epic Mickey that was so widely talked about for so many years? Oh, and that was a Wii exclusive? How very delightful.

Not to mention that you could rumble through Mickey's House of Mouse. The cameo possibilities alone are enough to make me want this pipsqueak trading blows with Mario and friends ASAP.

4. Batman


Thought this list couldn't get anymore batshit insane? Well, I haven't gotten to number five yet. 

Wouldn't It Be Cool If Terry McGinnis and Red X Were Part of the Current DC Universe?

DC's new 52, spawned by the Flashpoint story arc, has gotten the gizmos in my head grinding in ways I'd almost forgotten they could. It had been years (read: days) since I dared to imagine a plausible reason for why certain characters could appear in the DC Universe as it existed then, and even longer since I imagined my favorite character from that great Teen Titans animated series showing up to cross staves with Robin. What with Jason Todd turning out to be the new Red Hood and all, that seemed less likely than Mother Mae-Eye making a comic debut.

Which isn't too unlikely considering Bat-Mite, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and Ambush Bug exist. Although Larry seems more likely, but I earnestly hope neither of these villains make it into the canon. They have a way of sidetracking things.

It also seemed that any return of the ill-fated Terry McGinnis, star of the hit animated series Batman Beyond, as far as the main continuity was concerned were entirely out of the question. Despite DC yanking Harley Quinn out of the DCAU and into their main universe, a number of better, more sophisticated characters were left to perish in the realm of forgotten 90's and early 00's cartoon series.

Although there have been some seriously sweet cameos.
Of course, this is where the thought-machine between my ears comes in. You see, this terrible little device churns out far more material than it knows what to do with, both original, and fan. And naturally, it's come up with a way to incorporate Terry McGinnis and Red X into the main DC continuity in a way that would satisfy fans and accountants alike. It satisfies fans by kicking ass, and it satisfies accountants by having the potential to release two titles that are connected well enough to market together. Actually, they're connected pretty damn well.

Let's start by introducing just who these characters are. I'll begin with Terry McGinnis, the Batman of the future. He's just as grim as his mentor, and just as stubborn as well. Terry prefers to do things his own way, which tends to put him at odds with any more traditional heroes he teams up with (like Static, who I might add, is currently part of the main DCU). Also like the more well-known Batman, Terry has a whole list of unique gadgets to help him out of just about any situation. And his suit looks badass.

I'm the Batman.
Red X was originally an alias used by Robin (Dick Grayson) in the Teen Titans animated series to trick Deathstroke and become his apprentice (in an attempt to defeat him.) After this plan's inevitable backfire, the Red X costume was stolen by someone who then decided it was his life's mission to best the original Robin. It was often speculated that this second Red X, who quickly learned how to handle the suit which basically used modified versions of Robin's own arsenal, was actually Jason Todd based exclusively on the fact that he at one time mentions that he and Robin had the same master (Batman). His identity, however, is never revealed. Also, he has a badass costume.

And you get a big, red X. On your crotch.
Now how do both of these characters, who are largely unrelated, manage to fit in the main DCU continuity, without messing up either of their own continuities, the main continuity, and being so closely connected that I had to put them into the same post and not give them each the individual unique article they deserve?

Terry McGinnis, being in only one of infinity potential futures for the DCU, could easily have his own title set in his time period. They could even tie this in with other future-set titles like The Legion of Superheroes if they wanted to, but that's not really something I'm going to talk about. The Batman Beyond title that my brain matter is proposing here, however, would, because of certain circumstances, be set "before" events in the main DCU, despite actually happening decades later. Are you with me? You will be.

Time travel is a common comic book trope. So much so that DC superheroes are constantly buzzing around from one century into another, indiscriminately punching holes through reality and totally warping actual historic events for the soul shattering reason of: "Because I felt like it."

And also "Because crossovers are cool."
As we can see above, Terry isn't exactly a stranger to this whole time-hopping phenomenon. It really isn't too far fetched to say that maybe Terry gets sucked out of his own era and blasted right into that of the main DC Universe. Which goes a long way to explaining my contrived and terribly confusing description of the order of events a paragraph or two above. You see, the Batman Beyond series would have to take place before Terry gets sucked into the modern era, so any adventures Terry has in the modern era happen after the events  in the future even though they're happening in the past. Got it?

McGinnis's face the entire future is doomed.

Enter Red X.

Terry can't jump around the world wearing his Batman uniform. That would attract far too much attention from the exact person he can't afford to attract any attention from. He needs to hide himself from everybody. Citizens, villains, heroes, and Batman. His face is one that can be seen by nearly nobody, and his super identity has to be one that currently isn't in use. At all.

We all know where this is going. Get on with it.
Having lived in the future and read up on the history of the superhero community, Terry McGinnis knows about Dick Grayson's brief and failed stint as Red X. Knowing exactly where the costume is stashed away, and exactly how to break in to get it because he probably walked by it a half-dozen times in his own reality, he steals the alias and becomes the current Red X.

Which works right in with absolutely everything Red X ever said in his own appearances that would even remotely hint at his identity. Having once stated that he and Robin had the same tutor heavily implied that Red X was actually one of the two (now three) future male Robins, however it also leaves open the possibility that Red X is actually Terry McGinnis because he was trained by Bruce Wayne too.

Robin: "I thought you didn't like playing the hero."
Red X: "Doesn't mean I don't know how to."
Terry would totally say that.
As Red X, Terry sets off on his quest to return to the future which could easily put him at odds with Red Robin (Tim Drake), Nightwing (Dick Grayson), or literally any other member of the Batfamily that he could go on to antagonize and become a sort of rival with. The main reason for this would be the very direct way that Terry goes about doing things. If he needs a component for a time machine, and the easiest way to get that component is to steal it from a high-level-security facility, he's going to go right ahead and blast his way into that high-level-security facility.

And that's only the tip of the iceberg of what the hell my brain has done to this poor universe.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wasn't There A Turtlezord?

When I was a kid, I loved Power Rangers. Not the cruddy samurai things they're trying to pass of as spectral-costumed heroes these days, but the good, old Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. They were defenders of justice, simple designs, and arch enemies with the letter "G". These were the days of Jason, Trini, Zach, Billy, and Kimberly, and Tommy, the first live action Vegeta. Doggie Cruger? Is he related to Freddy?

Yes, yes he is.
Actually, I think I'll give Doggie a pass because his real name is Anubis. But anything else from this era (excluding Overdrive) is subject to the absolute worst kinds of torture the denizens of the internet can come up with. Go ahead. I gave you permission. Let's see it.

I take it back! I take it back!
For my whole life I would fondly look back and remember the good old days of Power Rangers, back before I knew what acting, plot, and special effects were. The days when my life was dancing around the living room butt naked pretending to be the Nakey Ranger, the god-like seventh Power Ranger who beat the snot out of Jason, was best friends with Tommy, and had absolute power over all eight of the original Dinozords.

Even the Turtlezord.

Tyrannosaurus. Sabertooth. Mastodon. Triceratops. Pterodactyl. Dragon. Long-Neck. Turt-
Nate, what the hell are you talking about?
Unless my memories are absolute fucking liars, there was a Turtlezord, and he served pretty much the exact same purpose as Titanus (the brachiosaurus) but didn't suck when it came to handling puddles. I also kind of remember him being a better shield than the mastodon head, but that memory is really fuzzy and not exactly to be trusted. The point is, I clearly remember a gold and green metallic turtle climbing out of the surf and having a brutalized Megazord climb in his back.

But the internet tells me I'm way off the mark on this one. The internet tells me "Unless you're talking about some shitty new Zord, you are a dumbass." I don't believe the internet for once in my life. This Turtlezord has been a fundamental truth to me since I was in diapers, and I'll not have the internet telling me how wrong I was. 

So I beg you, rest of the internet, tell me. Tell me, please, that there was a Turtlezord swimming around with the Dragonzord in Angel Grove Harbor. I need to hear these words.

Or a picture would be cool, too.

Image sources:
None of these sites appeared obscene, nor did they appear to link to anything obscene. If they do, in reality, link to anything pornographic in nature, or are in fact pornographic themselves, please let me know so that I can quietly pretend I never linked to them in the first place. Thank you.

EDIT: Almost immediately after making this post I discovered that I was thinking of Tor the Shuttlezord, who assisted the Thunder Megazord, not the Dino Megazord, which my memory had fumbled. Oh well.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

5 Things to Do With An Unsexy Love Life That Won't Help At All

So you're getting older. You're like twenty-four now, right? College is behind you, the days of the swinging hips are over. You find yourself having these unsettling desires to stay in the same relationship for more than a week. The only problem now is that you have no idea what to do with it after that week. It's not that your significant other is unsexy, it's just that, well, you've already seen that sexy and you just can't handle seeing the same sexy once you've coaxed some anal out of it.

Or maybe you aren't totally shallow and you just happen to notice that: Hey, there's some fun shit the missus and I haven't tried yet! Let's give our lives a little adventure!

So if you're either one of those guys, here's a few things you probably don't want to try.

1. Sexy Ronald McDonald

If you still live like you're in a frat, or if you still are in a frat because you provide the dope and the freshman give you hope, you probably like your sex the same way you like your food: fast. So it only makes sense that maybe you'd want the best of both worlds, right? After all, food is good, sex is good, everything's all good.

Wherever you're going with this better not be wearing a bra.
Wrong! This is not good! This is the opposite of good! Of all the sex and food ideas in the world, this is pretty damn close to being the unsexiest and the unfoodliest. For starters, who the hell wants to lock lips with Ronald McDonald after a sex change? I'm not sure about you, but I seriously don't think "secret sauce" is the best start to a romantic evening.

I still don't see a problem. She looks kind of like Felicia Day...
No sir, no. You don't see the problem because this particular woman has been glorified by stage lighting and Photoshop. Even with these unnatural enhancements clearing away the acne, the fact that computers currently don't allow you to inhale the rankness of moldy buns, and the knowledge that "OH MY GOD IT'S A WOMAN", you still can't deny that her wig does not set right and her face is somewhat contorted into that evil scowl that you kind of know means that McDouble in her hand is actually made with the still beating heart of the last man who popped her tomato. Face it man, she is going to kill you.

What? You don't believe me? Tell me how your wife looks right now. She hasn't noticed you following weird porn fetish searches and accidentally stumbling onto this post full of hamburger goddesses, so she's probably smiling and watching Lifetime in the other room, right? You stick her in that yellow uniform, and I guarantee the next sandwich she makes will consist of "exhusband sausage."

Here's an angsty looking teen if you still don't believe me.

2. Sexy Lobster Costumes

Every Halloween you show up at an awesome party where most of the women are wearing bunny ears and leotards, a few others are sporting whiskers and a tail, and that one weirdo who doesn't realize that Halloween is solely for self-exploitation and decided to eat a pizza before arriving so her teeth would be yellow enough to match the rest of her zombie motif. 

She just doesn't get it...
But amongst all the scantily clad animals appealing to the feral beast inside us all (but we're not furries, we swear) there's another who somehow didn't get it. Or maybe she did, and she just got it wrong. Either way, the one thing no guy ever, ever wants is a tugjob by Edward Scissorhands.

You're coming a little close to "No Fucking Way", Miss.
In a way this goes right back to food. Most guys see lobsters as food. Delicious, awesome, once-a-year, expensive seafood that I can't eat because I hate going to the emergency room. Attempting to lure in your guy, or any guy, with food is typically going to backfire, but sometimes it doesn't But just in case it does, this particular girl decided to try fishing for furries as well. Unfortunately, lobsters are just really fucking weird, and nobody wants to get their soft, squishy bits anywhere near one.

You don't have much of a calling as a Yoga instructor, either.
Maybe talk to the zombie girl? At least her costume looks like something.
3. Freaky Ass Anime Eyes

Some people really like anime, I get it. I'm one of them. Fullmetal Alchemist, One Piece, Chibi-Vampire, anime can be pretty cool shit. When it's a drawing. A bouncing, wet, glistening, covered-in-vanilla-ice-cream drawing, but still as a drawing.

This is not a drawing!
That is scary as all hell. I don't even think I need to describe how terrifying that is. I'm going to be having nightmares for a month. Goodbye, libido, because from now on all my mind is gonna see is a pair of static Powerpuff Girl eyes staring hungrily at my soul. I can accept furries, I can accept those weird guys who want to pork the exhaust pipe of their cars, and I can even accept that some people might want to eat a hamburger while doing the deed. I cannot accept the fact that anybody, anywhere, at any moment of their life regardless of the intentions and whereabouts of a bedroom would want to look into a pair of soulless black holes plastered to the center of their girlfriend's face.

Because holy shit.
4. Video Game Monster Cosplay

Despite the title, I'm going to focus this entire segment (that is, this paragraph and possibly one other) on a single picture I chanced upon last night while searching for an infamous  character who has an affinity for eggs. You see, I was innocently wondering why this character hadn't gotten a chance to compete in the seventh Mario Kart Grandprix. Well, it turns out, that this is why:

Oh my mushrooms!
Whoever thought that wearing a Birdo face in a French maid outfit was a good idea was disturbed enough. But whoever had the bright idea to drape the whole thing in "nightmarish goth" is a seriously disturbed individual with a combination of fetishes the likes of which can only be rivaled by those weirdos who hide out in port-o-potties to catch a taste of scat.

I'm so glad I can delete this from hard drive now.
I'm not going to. It's so good at scaring people! 

5. Sexy Food (Just Stop Being Edible!)

You've noticed by now that three of these items are food-related. That should tell you that, yes, there can be too much of a good thing. But I'm going to step on my tongue for a moment here and tell you that sometimes food can be used for alluring purposes.

Like this, for example.
And this is okay too...
Not even Hugh Hefner is cumming near this.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012




Wouldn't It Be Cool If Space Ghost Was in the DC Universe?

Superheroes are pretty awesome, and though almost all of them have an undying love for cheese sandwiches, they all remain icons in the hearts of millions. For each time Iron Man gets blasted with a hypno ray, he's also been lashed with energy tentacles. For each Batman: The Brave and the Bold there's about four The Dark Knight Returns. The best comics are written by balancing the levels of cheese with the levels of awesome to create a buffet of the world's best flavors.

But there's a number of heroes who seem to be a little bit bipolar. The renowned Batman being one of them, but my favorite lies elsewhere in the outer most reaches of space. Someone who has been largely left in limbo for a great deal of time, although he has most recently teamed up with the Dark Knight to rescue his young wards and put an end to a scheme of the Creature King. I am an unimaginably huge fan of:

Can't you read? I said: "SPAAAAAAACCCEE GHOOOST!"
Space Ghost was Hanna-Barbera's most successful attempt at an action program, which means that it unfortunately suffered from classic Hanna-Barbera syndrome: low quality animation, recycle backgrounds, unedited plots, and doofy situations. Despite the world being stacked against him, Space Ghost (and his later knock-off, Birdman) managed to pummel and punch his way into stardom. 

More than a decade after the original cartoon had ended, Space Ghost resurfaced as a pioneer of the Adult Swim networking block, hosting his own celebrity talk show. While this was a great departure for both the character and the franchise, Space Ghost Coast to Coast lasted for eight seasons, and then came back for a brief stint in 2006. Most recently, however, the spectral savior of space has been seen in the opening segment of Batman: The Brave and the Bold having a fly-by conversation with his old chum Batman which quickly leads into a confrontation that forces the heroes to work together.

And then I came.
But it hasn't all been corny one-liners and half-assed action sequences for Space Ghost. In 2005 DC published a short but excellent Space Ghost miniseries penned by Joe Kelly and featuring stunning artwork by Ariel Olivetti.The miniseries remained faithful to the Space Ghost mythos and tucked itself neatly into continuity, explaining the caped Casper's origins, as well as his first encounter with his arch nemesis Zorak, and his adoption of young Jan and Jace. While remaining completely faithful to the continuity of the Space Ghost cartoons, the comic was more complex, and much more dark, showing how Space Ghost himself almost became more of a Punisher-esque figure after the murder of his pregnant wife and unborn child.

Despite Space Ghost's five-minute and forty-four-second team up with Batman, and his five issue series being published by DC Comics, the hero himself isn't considered a part of the DC continuity or universe. He's in everybody's heart, mind, and soul, but he's not in their bodies. And that's what counts. Having Space Ghost in your body.

Just think about how cool it would be to have Space Ghost palling around with all of history's greatest superheroes. Having coffee on the JLA Watchtower with Martian Manhunter, taking on the non-Martian Manhunters with Hal Jordan, swooping in to steal Lois Lane from under Superman's mighty nose. Oh, what good times could be had. Justice League Unlimited would have been a much better program with Space Ghost taking a little of that screen time, even if it were for just one episode.

You're lying if you think this doesn't cool.
"But wait, Nate. Even if Space Ghost existed in the main DC universe, he would be in the future, not from the current time."

Or, y'know, considering the nature of the character he could simply be from a different planet with human-like inhabitants. That would basically allow for every Space Ghost adventure to have at some point taken place in the main continuity with just a few minor tweaks to location names. Hell, Space Ghost could be galactically famous before he even sets foot on Earth, which leads right in to actually fitting that abominable Coast to Coast into the continuity.

Coast to Coast is a cash-in. The Space Ghost on Coast to Coast, at least in my fabled continuity, isn't the real Space Ghost. He's a television actor portraying the famous hero in some kind of comedy talk show. You don't even need to go into a terrible lot of detail to explain away eight seasons of this garbage. One issue of a Space Ghost monthly comic could feature the actor under attack by a confused criminal, who gets soundly stomped by the real Space Ghost, and everyone lives happily every after.

Because pretending the bad stuff doesn't exist is just way too easy.
"What about Jan and Jace and that ridiculous fleabag they drag around with them? Nobody liked those guys!"

His name is Blip. And he's a monkey. And moreso, even those characters have an untapped wealth of potential. They're Space Ghost's adopted children for crying out loud. Living your entire life with Space Ghost and not picking up any tricks or tools of the trade would be like living with Batman and never donning that flashy Robin costume that only ever made sense for Dick Grayson because it was his circus uniform but let's not go into that. Jan and Jace are competent heroes on their own, and do possess limited versions of Space Ghost's own abilities. While they can't fire heat rays or ice beams or project stasis shields, they can become invisible, fly, and have a certain degree of demonstrated super strength.

Of course, we can't have them mucking around with Space Ghost all the time. Just like how Batman needs to ditch his younglings and do the dark and gritty, Space Ghost needs room to not be a cheesy Hanna-Barbera character. So what exactly do we do with the twins?

Don't we have a team composed largely of teenage versions of the big time superheroes? Don't we have two teams like that? Weren't they both on TV? Isn't one of them airing new episodes this damn season? Oh yeah, yeah, those are things. All you have to do to legitimize Jan and Jace without having them ruin Space Ghost is drop them into the Teen Titans. That works like a freaking charm.

Look, Jace, we don't shit all over our title character anymore!
Blip becomes a comedy relief character who lives in Titans Tower and never, ever, under any circumstances leaves. And maybe you want to diversify things because having two characters with the same powers in the same book is taking up too much super roster? They get into an argument and Jace storms off to join Young Justice or the Outlaws. Problem beyond solved, characters awesomely developed, and Space Ghost no longer locked into being child friendly.

And luckily DC just had one of their famous "oops, we fucked up the universe again" events that could make all of this more than possible. Flashpoint reset events in the DC universe to a point where "only the shit we did well happened. Everything else didn't. So just... forget about it." If DC ever wanted to introduce any of their (or their parent company's) other potential IPs into the mainstream, now would be the time.

And isn't that what DC has been good at since the very beginning anyways? Captain Marvel, Plastic Man, Blue Beetle, The Question, even the Green Lantern were all characters who were ate some point purchased by a different company and then integrated into the main DC continuity. This has been how DC has operated since the very beginning, and there's absolutely no reason for them to stop now. Especially when they have so much potential sitting in their own filing cabinets.

A Short Writing Exercise

So here I was wondering how I could better myself (and also procrastinating) when the otherwise worthless research I was doing into a certain animal actually gave me just the idea! I should describe an animal, that closely resembles a more common animal, without making any sort of link between the two. And so I set off to do just that. While the result is definitely not anything groundbreaking, it is what it is: an exercise. If you'd like to humor me a bit, leave a comment to let me know if you figured out just what I was describing. If you don't like games, you can find the answer by clicking here.

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Through the bushes I spied a curious creature. It was a head shorter than I, who stands at 5'6, but a a foot longer than I could lay without my arms outstretched. Black-hoofed feet clopped along the barren plains, puffing small clouds of shrubbery dust. It stopped at a small tuft of green and ducked its thick neck low, curling away loose lips to chomp on the blades with broad teeth.

The ears, which resembled rolled newspapers, swiveled when my weight shifted over a cracking twig. It bolted upright and cocked its head to one side, giving me a view of its thick, impenetrable black lenses. The eyes were not large given the size of its long face, and were it not for the way they glistened when met by the sun, I would have confused them as an extension of the elegant black stripes that lay proudly upon its white fur, like the majestic brush strokes of a feudal Asian artist.

It swished its long, broom-like tail and sniffed the air with its charcoal muzzle. The wind dragged across its short mane, bending the feathery bristles in rippling waves. I saw its nostrils flare twice, and its mighty breasts heave between its forelegs, and then it was off. Galloping into the distance so fast and so free that I half-expected it to sprout wings and disappear into the horizon.

As I began to lament having scared off such a magnificent creature a tingle ran down my spine. The tall grass behind me parted ways, and before I could move my ears were filled with a horrible, echoing roar.

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Again, if you think you've figured it out, I'd much like to hear your answers in the comments section below. Feedback is, after all, the best editor. If you decided to cheat and click the link above, then shame on you 3<