5 Classic Characters Who Should Join the Brawl!

Man, I gotta say, I've made a few entries in the past two weeks which have been pretty rough. How am I supposed to narrow it down to just the top five characters from any franchise when so many franchises have a top twenty? Or thirty? This is even more difficult when you're looking at a company's entire pool of potential players. Fortunately, I got to cheat a bit thanks to some older franchises continuing on into the current day! Still, things got pretty hairy around here. Lolo and Lala stuck around this list right up to the bitter end, but they eventually got nudged off by our number one champ here. I can't imagine having to do this with the entire set of characters and a limit of just thirty or forty (actually, I can, and it would be heaven.)

So just who should return from the brink of time to grace out consoles in the near future? Let's take a look...

5. Balloon Fighter

Balloon Fighter's a pretty obvious and solid choice, so he'll be hanging out here at the bottom of the list. It's clear that Sakurai adores the character and actually went all the way into late production with him for Melee, but the Fighter got cut for supposed gravity issues. It's unsure if history was repeated when it came to Brawl, but what is certain is that Sakurai's love for Balloon Fight never waned, and the big fish made an appearance as a cameo in the Ice Climbers' Summit stage. This nameless warrior is actually one of the more mysterious Nintendo characters, without even trying to be. What exactly is he doing up there, hanging by a pair of threads? What's with the birds he's knocking out? Is he some kind of public safety officer? Nobody's quite sure, but everyone sure finds him charming! It wouldn't be any surprise at all if Mario's fashion consultant arrived to take part in the Smashing glory of Nintendo's ultra omega all-stars, and anything which could be said in support of this has been already explained by folks much cleverer than I. However, I still find myself clever, so have a taste of his potential move list!

4. Duck

Most people don't view the titular Duck as the most memorable member of the Duck Hunt cast, but without his role in the game, there'd be no game. Mercilessly shot away by the player, these ducks are actually just as cartoonish and expressive as the caustic canine who captures them. It might be difficult to imagine them at first, just a regular ol' duck flying around, but look at the logics of the game they come from. The dog routinely transforms his paws into hands, complete with thumbs, and supposedly manages to switch between quadrupedal and bipedal movement. It's clear that these characters exist in some kind of Looney Tunes land, and it isn't a stretch to imagine the Duck's wings morphing into Daffy Duck palms to scoop up weapons and grab edges. Personally, I'd be thrilled to have the purple pecker quacking about.

3. Mach Rider

I'll be honest, Excitebiker was almost on the list, but I thought two motorcyclists would be redundant. I know who the more popular choice will be, but I opted for the one who isn't exclusively defined by his wheels. Mach Rider here is a major bad ass, kind of a Robocop meets Ghost Rider type of guy. He's armed to the teeth and armored head-to-toe, and despite being one of the good guys, I'd like less to meet him in a dark alley than any of Nintendo's supposed villains. Even the great Ganon looks like a dancing clown compared to Mach Rider. His solid 80s Metal design combined with modern grit and a touch of Ninty magic, and we've got a real winner here. Hell, maybe now would be a good time to revive the character in general. Think about it, Nintendo. Mach Rides U. Come on guys. Give it a chance.

2. Bubbles

Few of might know Bubbles, the bizarre red fish who starred in Clu Clu Land and its remake, Clu Clu Land D, but she was one of the original NES heroes back in the day. I'm actually kind of surprised she hasn't crossed paths with Starfy considering the similar subject matter and settings, but hey what do I know? She has, however, abandoned her aquatic adventures to compete with Kong crew in jungle climbing competitions, having appeared as a guest in the GBA's Donkey Kong: King of Swing. Bubbles is an exceptionally bubbly character, and can bounce away from almost any surface, though she is susceptible to sharp and prickly things. That's okay, though, because she can combat such obstacles with a sonic blast capable of immobilizing her enemies. She isn't a particularly relevant character, even by my standards, but I love her dearly and feel that she's perfect Smash material. There's actually a lot of cool things which could be done with her spinning gimmick and, like Mach Rider, there's probably potential in current technology to at least give her a WiiWare Wiirelease.

1. Muddy Mole

Muddy Mole is by far the top classic Nintendo character I'd like to see show up in the next Super Smash Bros. title. He's an unlikely hero with a character design which is almost like a Monty Mole, so it would be pretty fun watching him come up against the Super Mario Bros.. Not to mention that his sole Game Boy outing is perhaps one of the coolest maze/dungeon games available and probably set most of the standards for any modern take on the genre, including plane-hopping. Muddy is a more than capable combatant with a penchant for bombs and huge rolling balls, and I can imagine a lot of cool combos coming out of his natural digging abilities and his small but useful arsenal. Really, if any character gets revived, I'm hoping Muddy here will manage to dig in under the face and make it clear that he's got what it takes to blow away the competition.

Co-Created By the Mystery Man

• Chapter One
• Chapter Two
• Chapter Three
• Chapter Four

Food Reviews

• Premium Crispy Chicken Club Sandwich (McDonald's)

2-Bit Comics

2-Bit Comics is a series of books, published monthly, which collects and reprints classic comic books to put them back in the public eye. Each book is published in a large 8.5 x 11 inch format for maximum readability and contains up to five issues from the same series in the order in which they were printed (in the cases of smaller runs the book will only collect whatever exists.)

By clicking the numbered links below, you will be taken to the individual CreateSpace sales page for that book. You may also purchase the book through Amazon if you wish.

#1: Canteen Kate (Amazon) - May, 2013 (Blog Post)

#2: Zip-Jet: Supersonic Enemy of Evil (Amazon) - June, 2013 (Blog Post)

A-to-Z

This post is probably more for myself than for anybody else, considering that I have a total of six whole people who actually read my fiction (and almost none of them end up at my blog), but perhaps this will serve some potential use in the future should I acquire any devout followers (oops, letting the grandeur get to me again!). As I've stated in the introduction to my book, Adolescence, I absolutely despise the thought that I could be revising again and again continuously until the end of my life. I want to reach an absolute end on my projects, although I want to do so while allowing readers to experience each step of the process (I, for one, know that I prefer some of my earlier drafts over some of my later ones despite their less practiced voice and skill). To that end, I've decided only to revise any given piece so many times. If you have picked up Adolescence on some Kindle or equivalent app, you'll have noticed that the end of the book features earlier drafts of the included stories which are all distinguished by a letter ranking. "Fairy Glasses A" is an example, and is also the first version of that story I wrote.

I've come to the decision to simply reach "Z" and end it. If I can't figure it out in twenty-six copies, it's not going to be figured out. I might break the rule (in which case I will move into lower case letters, ex: "Aa") as I get a better grasp on the personal grammar and spelling I'm working out for myself, but any structural changes will cease at Version Z. I doubt, however, that many stories or poems will ever reach that number of rewrites. There's a point where I just have to draw the line and say: "No, this is how it canonically happened."

That out of the way, I'll use this post to explain how I'm going to be handling the print editions of my books: I'm not. Not exactly, anyways. It doesn't seem likely that Adolescence will see print in its current form, mainly because in order to deliver the same experience, I'd have to release the book in full color to accomodate the photographs and sketches. I've decided to do something different with print and will be releasing a time-to-time collection called "Welcome to the Multiverse." This collection will be numbered using the same comic-styled box I use to number 2-Bit Comics, and each book will be printed in pure black and white at approximately 150 pages to the issue. Actually, you'll be seeing Glitch the Gaming Gremlin show up much more frequently than he has been since the closing of 2-Bit, primarily as a sort of gatekeeper for my printed works. Interesting, because it's so far from his original intended purpose as a gaming gremlin. I don't know if I should try to work him back in that direction or not. On the one hand, I could reform this blandly-titled blog back into 2-Bit, but I mean, I already ended that chapter prematurely and should probably just deal with it. If I change up my title and url every year, bad things are going to happen to my viewership. My focus is also much more broad now than I had intended it to be with 2-Bit (which was strictly going to be gaming originally). Granted, I still do talk about games an awful lot, but the focus and intent of my blog has changed to strictly being... me. The blog is to be about me, about what I do, about what I like, and about being a window into my soul (for my eyes are empty and lifeless.)

(I'm working out this new thing with parantheticals which I just came up with during the post. See, I don't understand the difference between quotation marks and parentheses. They serve almost the same purpose, although they indicate different actions and tones. As such, it makes sense to me that their uses should be grammatically identical [I'm attempting to streamline the language in a hierarchy of characters.] However, my previous form had been to end sentences after the parantheticals had closed. I realized this is not true of dialogue, where the sentence is ended within the marks. As such, I am modifying the behavior of my other parenthetical symbols to match dialogue behavior. The process might be rocky, and I haven't worked it all out yet.

(For example, you'll notice that paragraph became rather long so I ended it openly and started this one with a fresh paranthesis, just like one would with dialogue quotes. My original reasoning for ending the sentence after the parenthesis was for instances where a parenthetical was used in the middle of a sentence or at the end of a phrase which would be separated from a following remark by a comma. It made more sense to me if that comma were on the outside of the entire parenthetical phrase, and it seems that such form has made sense to a number of other individuals. However, I now see the benefits [aesthetically and functionally] of having such marks within the parantheses. I also see the faults I had originally thought of. It seems that I may have to rethink my treatment of dialogue quotes as paranthetical units, though I think I will try out modified comma placements instead. Considering it now, though, commas within paranthesis will look messy and screw with the flow of a phrase. I'm so confused as to how to handle such things. Perhaps I will have to amalgamize my previous thoughts. Humorously, I believe I will eventually evolve into the already set standard I sought to improve upon in the first place. Only time will tell, I suppose.

(For the time I believe I shall consider dialogue a distinct matter, as I am none too keen on including the comma after the quotation marks. I suppose it makes sense when considering it as replacement for a period, which is not done when using other parentheticals. That does, though, beg the question of why do we not use commas within parentheses to end that statement? Oh, so confusing to me. I'm also wondering whether I could avoid this mess by using the em-dash for mid-sentence tangents. Of course, following an em-dash with a comma would be ridiculous, and I'd still have to set apart one portion of the sentence from the first. Briefly I liked having found a solution to the question "Em, comma, or parantheses?", but alas, I found only more mess.

(Of course each letter does not behave in a uniform fashion either. Perhaps it makes the most sense, to myself, to apply special rules to each side-denoting character and simply live with that. Of course, I still have to figure out a rule for when to use a comma or when to use an em-dash, as in the last sentence. Such a maze, our language is.)

That was a much longer tangent than intended. Dear readers, that is perhaps your first glimpse into my habit of monologuing to help myself reach an understanding about something. I will not remove it or make it more brief because, as stated above, this blog is for the defining of myself, and I feel that little exercise a perfectly good demonstration of just what that means. For those curious, yes, you have seen similar self-discussions in the Mystery Man stories, and will continue such in the future.

I think this post has gone on well long enough. Enjoy your midnight, kiddies, and hopefully I'll manage to catch up on my serials before retiring for the evening.

(Seriously need to get this balance of work and play under control...)

5 Yoshi Characters Who Should Join the Brawl!

Nintendo's decision to break up the Mario franchise from its spin-offs in terms of representation has been fairly controversial, particularly for the Wario and Yoshi series of games (even more controversial [okay, it only pisses me off] is the boring ass decision to make the Wario games represented by a standard "W". Couldn't they have at least used the bucket from Mario & Wario as the series icon, or even just some garlic?). However, there's no denying the importance of these franchises. Wario actively maintains two lines of games (and has featured in several others), and Yoshi himself headlines a number of titles, with two new ones planned for release in coming months. But are there any characters lurking around Yoshi's Island worthy enough to support the dedicated dino in the Super Smash Bros. arena? Let's take a look!

5. Hookbill Koopa

If there's one thing Yoshi's Island gets right (lol, it got everything right) it's bosses. From Salvo the Slime to Sluggy the Unshaven, each boss is a defined and memorable addition to the game. While Hookbill might seem to be the least inspired of these dastardly dingle berries, it can't be said that he hasn't done a fair share of inspiring. Being the first representative in the line which would become the tubbo Koopas, Hookbill's seen a number of offshoots over the years, such as Paper Mario's blind bully, Kent C. Koopa. Hookbill here actually isn't quite himself, as his large size is the result of Kamek's magic. Regardless, he seems quite well practiced with his abilities, and will give even talented Yoshis a run for their money.

4. Raphael the Raven

Arguably the third most important character to come out of Yoshi's Island, Raphael is a brainwashed Raven who combats Yoshi on a miniature moon. Managing to survive exploding into a constellation, Raphael returns in Tetris Attack still under the control of the malevolent Magikoopa, but is finally freed by Yoshi. He then moved to Lavalava Island where he assisted an adult Mario in defeating Lava Piranha and rescuing a Star Spirit. Raphael hasn't been seen in quite a while, but his Ravens show up from time to time in other titles. He had cameos in both Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl as a trophy and sticker respectively. While I'm not quite sure how Raph would play in a Smash title, his natural ability to stick to surfaces could make him a pretty cool (and potentially overclassed) addition.

3. Shy Guy

While the Shy Guys first appeared as invaders of the dream land known as Subcon, and have continued to prove themselves as pesky pains in Mario's side, they've been shown to be more frequent antagonists of the Yoshis, often making use of more creative contraptions to defeat their famished foe. Shy Guys possess a large variety of skills, ranging from tribal rain dancing and talent with extending spears to more modern mechanical masterworks, such as flying packs and giant mecha. While Smash might typically be the exclusive domain of specific combatants, it isn't against allowing in representatives of significant species. The Yoshis themselves prove this point, as do the Pokémon. The significant impact Shy Guy, and other creative and recognizable minion characters, have had on Nintendo's history and success are undeniable. Perhaps this masked menaces are just what's needed to give the little guy a fighting chance.


2. Kamek

If Yoshi were to have a primary antagonist, it would be Kamek, the first of the Magikoopa and Bowser's personal nanny. Before the Koopa Kingdom reached all across the Dark Lands, Kamek here was their leader, and he raised the fierce king all by his lonesome. Of course, doing so required eliminating the competition, and so it was that Kamek hunted for the infant Mario Bros.. Kamek is a powerful sorcerer capable of altering world environments and granting vast power to his minions, among numerous other things. Even in more recent years the old timer has shown himself to be a more than capable opponent, confronting the adult Mario and Luigi and even Princess Peach in her lone solo outing. He's probably the most significant character to come out of the Yoshi's Island franchise, and it would be a serious shame not to at least consider him for a second egg rep.


1. Star Children

Yoshi's Island DS introduced us to the Star Children... actually, we already knew them, but it showed us just how special they are! Peach, Luigi, Mario, Donkey Kong, Wario, Bowser, and Yoshi (not shown. The Star Child Yoshi is actually the Yoshi of Yoshi Story and Super Mario World fame, while the Yoshi protagonist of Yoshi's Island, Yoshi's Island DS, and Yoshi Touch & Go could have become the village elder from Paper Mario) were all destined for greatness. Each one has a unique ability, and most of them have played roles in other Mario titles, such as sports spin-offs or RPGs. I kind of lied when I said that Kamek was the most important character to come out of the franchise, because it could easily be argued that these youths are the true stars... but we technically already knew about them. Either way, the bottle-fed brats have been working their way into the hearts of fans ever since Baby Mario made his first return alongside his adult counterpart in the Nintendo 64's Mario Tennis. From that time on, they've proven themselves as bizarrely distinct characters. I can think of a few really cool ways to utilize them as well, although all tend to involve the concept of a revolving door of play styles, a gimmick which has been utilized twice already. Still, if there's one thing Smash has taught us, it's that anything is possible.

5 Kool Kongs Who Should Join the Brawl!

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) I talked about the five third-party characters that I'd most like to see tearing it up with Nintendo's finest, but now we're taking things back a notch into the Big N's stable of simian superstars. Kongo Jungle's simply krawling with kool kritters, and there's no shortage of demand for any one of them (even Kiddy's got his fans). However, as much as I'd love for every member of DK's long reaching family monkey around, there's really only five characters who deserve a chance at the Smash battle royale...

Note: As much as I love Diddy Kong Racing and its entire cast of characters, I'm going to assume they currently belong to RareWare and won't include them in this list. If I could, there'd be no Kongs.

5. Funky Kong

Donkey's funky brother is a fan favorite whose popularity has propelled him to participate in some surprising games in recent years. Despite being a pacifist, Funky seems to be a more than proficient combatant and exceptionally skilled with weaponry. He single-handedly created the Kong's crazy arsenal in Donkey Kong 64. This macho mechanic is also responsible for pretty much every piece of modern technology in the Northern Kremisphere, being able to fashion a hovercraft out of some splintered wood and an old tire that would put James Bond's gadgetry to shame. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he built all of DK's racing karts and tennis rackets.

Still, as popular as Funky is, I've never been a big fan. While I can think of plenty of ways to differentiate him from DK in terms of play (such as focusing his style around the gadgets he invents), I wouldn't be particularly excited about his inclusion. I wouldn't be disappointed by it, either, though. And as far as Kongs go, he's probably among the more deserving of the crew.

4. King K. Rool

So maybe I lied when I said they were all going to be primates, but the Kremling King is at least sapient. He's been missing in action for a while, being ousted by the vikings and tikis, but there's no doubt that this fierce Feraligatr is DK's most menacing match-up. Now, I know most of you will be thinking: "Number four? Four? Sir, your head is clearly up your crack if you think K. Rool shouldn't have the number one slot on this list! He's almost guaranteed to show up this time around." I'd like to say that I actually really want K. Rool to enter the fray, and he's personally number two on my little list of desires. However, I like to put the obvious ones a little sooner in the article, because how many posts do you want to read about the same characters again and again? Sure, maybe you're the kind of person who constantly needs ass-pats to confirm that, yes, your opinions are appreciated and shared with the community, so naturally you seek out articles which reaffirm your narrow taste and reflect your opinions back at you, hopefully with some more energetic rhetoric than you could hope to muster on your own.

I don't like writing those articles. I like to make people shrug, tilt their head to one side and say: "Huh". As much as I want K. K. Rool to rip up ol' K. B. Koopa, I want to show you guys a couple other really cool candidates, too.

And without further ado...

3. Lanky Kong

Lanky's a bit of a loner when it comes to the Kong Klan. Nobody's quite sure where he came from or how he got here, but we're all so glad he did! Being a bit of an absurdist character, I suppose one could say that Lanky Kong fulfills the role of a less-villainous Wario, although he's also managed to retain his class over the years. I think Lanky actually has a lot to bring the table that he hasn't been allowed to demonstrate, as his playable appearances have exclusively been the fantabulous Donkey Kong 64 and Donkey Kong Barrel Blast. His natural ability to stretch to any length could come in quite handy on the battlefield, and he also has a pocket full of impish circus tricks, including the unique talent of inflating himself like a balloon. Lanky can also switch things up by running around on his hands, which make him faster than when he tries to lope upright. Of course, it comes at the cost of occupying his arms. This clowny Kong hasn't really been given the proper opportunities to demonstrate his usefulness and his potential as a character, and that's a real shame. I think there's a lot of cool things that can be done with him, and I'd love to see that toyed with for the next Super Smash Bros..

2. Stanley the Bugman

I'm not quite sure if Stan here belongs on this post considering he originally appeared in Greenhouse, a Game & Watch system release, but his most important role has been as the protagversary of Donkey Kong (or Cranky Kong, but I think that's all hooey) in the black sheep sequel Donkey Kong 3. His trademark bug spray has already been utilized by Mr. Game & Watch in the Smash series, but there's probably quite a bit more than can be done with that particular gimmick. Not to mention the potential bug army he could unleash upon his foes (perhaps teaching DK the meaning of irony and tossing a beehive on the old ape's head). Supposedly Stanley here is actually one of Mario's cousins, presumably from a separate branch than the Warios, and he's been kind of terribly neglected for decades. Actually, his most recent appearance has been as a trophy in Super Smash Bros. Melee, which is sad. His primary color is already blue, so he should have probably been the third man for the New Super Mario Bros. franchise, not to mention the fact that he's just about the only Mario related character not to have been revived in a sports title at some point. Maybe it's time to bring this little guy back to his former glory... after all, he is one of the only actual Nintendo characters to be featured in a cartoon.

1. Dixie Kong

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I know I said that I like to get the obvious ones out of the way first, but Dixie Kong really is the most deserving of the number one spot. She's starred in two of her own adventures and supported the Kong family through eight others, not to mention her habit of shooting hoops with the Mario gang and her supporting role in a number of comics and cartoons, and Dixie is by far the most important Kong in the franchise aside from Donkey and Diddy. Combine that with her recent reveal for Tropical Freeze, and we've got a character who's got both a legacy and modern relevance. A lot of people would like to see her paired up with the dinky Kiddy Kong, and while I admit that might make for some pretty cool maneuvers, I'd much rather see ponytail pulling her own weight. She's more than capable of doing so, and there's no reason for her to continue carrying Kiddy in her shadow. Her build might be similar to Diddy's but Dixie is guaranteed to be a fighter unlike any other.

Print-on-Demand: Save the World! (And a Bit About DLC)

I got to talking with a friend a couple weeks back and we were discussing the way DLC is handled by the current gaming industry, and I got off on a bit of a tangent about the whole thing which has been rattling around in my mind ever since. This is something I've been meaning to talk about for a while now, but for whatever reason (read: depression) it keeps getting put off indefinitely, but just yesterday I stumbled across a bit of news that rekindled the whole thing:

The legendary Donkey Kong Country trilogy has been removed from Nintendo's Virtual Console services.

This might be old news to more active gamers, but I've been making it a bit of a point to avoid downloadable games, particularly those controlled by Nintendo. It was such a relief for me to learn that New Super Luigi U was also released as a stand alone package, even though I don't have my hands on a Wii U yet.  I'm not sure if those who already purchased the games will be able to redownload them should something unthinkable happen to their already installed copies, but I have a distinctly terrible feeling that, no, they'd be gone forever. Nintendo really does not have a good handle on how to go about the whole download deal, and up until recently I believed they were the only ones. Not true, unfortunately. And it's time to put a huge change on the whole "DLC" concept.

DLC has been one of the greater things to happen to games in our generation, but it's been seriously mishandled by, well, everyone. I have personally found myself ripped off by content and games rendered unusable by licenses changing hands or updates which remove certain programs or even the simple advancement of systems. I'm beyond tired of this, and there are very simple solutions which would be cost effective for developers and publishers.

Primarily I'm speaking of Print on Demand concepts, which is pretty much the easiest fucking thing on the planet.

I love DLC. I love adding characters to my roster. I purchased every pack for Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2, and I've been after the Gold Edition of the first game simply because that DLC is no longer available over a network. I don't love how DLC is being used. Why is it that digital content is so precarious? Why can Amazon (did I forget to mention that this post is about more than just games?) delete books off of customers' Kindles without a refund? Why can any corporation do that? It's utter bullshit at its finest.

There's a real simple solution to this mess: add an option in your digital marketplace for your users to purchase (perhaps at a slightly higher price) physical containers for their content. I would love to play Dillon's Rolling Western, but I'm not going to as long as it remains exclusively digital content. I can't trust Nintendo with that. Why can't I order a Print-on-Demand physical disk for that game? In this model the outlying collectors like myself would handle the manufacturing costs right in the order itself. We pay for the game, and we pay to have it copied onto one of your silly little 3DS SD cards and shipped off in a case with a piece of paper printed off for the insert. That's all this takes. That little extra bit of processing and I can safely play Dillon off a card as long as my card doesn't break.

It doesn't have to stop with digital games, though. It's beyond possible for game companies to put DLC installation packages on SD cards or game discs for those of us who want to assure that we can play as Juggernaut indefinitely. It's real simple. The customer orders up the install disc, the company prints off the disc using the money from the order itself, and a week or two later the customer receives the shiny new install disc in the mail and can--hey, check this out--install the DLC content right off that disc onto their hard drive. No network needed.

It's ridiculous that we, as consumers, are letting the industry heads bully us into a digital realm. Make no mistake, things are certainly going that way. It won't be long before physical product is completely removed from the market.

YOU DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

When that happens, you will be completely at the whim of your corporation. There is no reason for this. Corporations should be at your whim. They are offering a product to you. Make it clear that the deal they offer right now is not sweet enough. There is no reason for corporations to pretend that this very simple technology does not exist. I know they want to. If they do, then we can't share things with out friends and families. If they do, they can reissue games and books whenever the original run goes out of print or is outmoded. If they do, they can strangle just that much more money out of our wallets.

But the fact of the matter is: that technology does exist. I use it every day. Lots of people use it every day. There is no reason it should not be utilized to give customers at least the option to order their content in a physical container.

It's time to take the industry back.

5 Third-Party Characters Who Should Join the Brawl!

It's been a while since I've let loose my Super Smash Bros. for Wii U wish list (last time it was F-Zero). That bums me out, because I've been wanting to get around to this one for a while. Damn Life keeps getting in my way! Anyways, I've finally got a good writing day, and I'm inking all over it. Are you ready? Here's my top five third-party characters for the next Super Smash Bros.!

5. Frogger

Frogger is one of the Golden Age gladiators that entered the gaming arena before consoles were even a speck on the radar. While he might have once been the talk of the town, even garnering enough acclaim to star in a segment of the Saturday Supercade show, Frogger's been kind of out of sorts the past couple of decades. While his colleagues, Pac-Man, Mario, and Bomberman have all continued to grace gaming platforms everywhere (and even Q*Bert has recently found a place in the Hollywood limelight), Frogger's been hopping in the shadows. He's starred in a number of titles over the years and gone through a major design overhaul, but non of his sequels have quite taken off the way the original did. Regardless, when I think of video game superstars, he climbs right into the top ten, and most people have played some version of the original Frogger since it's been ported to most every system. Like with Pac-Man, Frogger's redesign takes a little getting used to, but it's not so bad once you give it a bit. And, little known fact, this ample amphibian is a member of Konami's pantheon, meaning he chills with Solid Snake between foiling Swampy's schemes. This connection, as well as Super Smash Bros. U's emphasis on classic character revival, makes me want to see Long-Tongue's debut just a little more.

4. Crash Bandicoot

Once upon a time Crash Bandicoot was the face of Sony's PlayStation. Born and bred as a rival to Mario and Sonic, Crash led the PlayStation (along with his ally, Spyro the Dragon) on a successful crusade to the tippy top of the marketplace. That history's all come crashing down in recent years, though, with the brazen bandicoot making the voyage for cleaner shores, including Mario's own personal swimming pool. Crash is as important and relevant to gaming as Pac-Man and Mario are, and his absence from PlayStation All-Star Battle Royale came as an incredible shock. It would be pretty darn sweet to see Nintendo scoop this one right out from beneath Sony's nose, and he really wouldn't stand out at all. Crash is one of the few third-party characters that would feel right at home with the rest of the Smash SuperStars.

3. Bomberman

Like Frogger, Bomberman is a classic all-star with some unlikely connections: actually, the same exact one! While Bomber's games might be developed and published by Hudson Soft (a company which is already intimately linked with Nintendo), they're actually a child company to Metal Gear Solid's Konami. This connection has shown in the past, with Bomberman coming up against Snake in a previous Smashclone known as DreamMix TV World Fighters way back in 2003. Not only that, but this guy has also matched wits with the egomanic Wario in one of the earliest gaming crossovers: Wario Blast: Featuring Bomberman! for the great gray Game Boy. Of all third-party characters, Bomberman is one of the few to actually deserve a chance at the Smash awards... but there's two others who might take a little priority over the rumble-ready robot.

2. KOS-MOS

I admit that KOS-MOS' inclusion on this list is partially due to my insatiable appetite for out of place characters, but it's also partially due to her not being out of place one little bit once you think about the connections she has. First of all, her trilogy of PS2 RPGs is held in pretty high regard by fans of multiple genres (both JRPG fans and SciFi fans get pretty into it), and the first two titles were completely remade for the Nintendo DS in Japan. These titles are part of the long reaching Xeno RPG series, which began with Xenogears, became Xenosaga, and after Nintendo's acquisition of Monolith Soft became... Xenoblade Chronicles, break out success for the Nintendo Wii. Not only does KOS-MOS' franchise have a direct relation to one of Nintendo's own, but her trilogy is actually owned by Namco, who, I might remind you, is attached to the Smash U project. Bamco is also a huge fan of giving her cameos wherever possible, and she's rumbled with pretty much all of their line up at one point or another. KOS-MOS also provides the opportunity for a lot of flashy techniques, what with her ability to summon outrageously large plasma cannons. Really, this is one character I'd pay just a little bit extra to see throwing down with the rest of the crew.

1. Pac-Man

At one time Pac-Man managed to save the gaming industry, something Mario would due when the market began to grow again stale. This launched the probable pizza into instant stardom, and he became the first video game character to star in his very own half-hour program. While he fell by the wayside as gaming evolved, and went through a new change almost every decade, Pac's been there through it all and he's given nearly every genre a chance. From the arcade classic to Tetris knockoffs to point-and-click adventures, Pac-Man's a really well-rounded hero. Oh, and did I mention that he's Namco's mascot and Mega Man's perpetual rival? I didn't? Well I have now! If any third-party character deserves to join the ranks of Nintendo's finest, it's this guy. And if I were confident about anything regarding this new pair of punch-parties, it's that Pac-Man will most certainly be there to prove that some things never go out of style.

Comic Review: Godzilla, King of the Monsters #2 (Essential Godzilla) (2006, Marvel Comics)

The second issue of Marvel's Godzilla, King of the Monsters continues directly where the first ended. Godzilla, injured and angry from his encounter with SHIELD, flees beneath the surf and rises in Seattle, which he promptly levels. The Godzilla-destruction is seriously not anything special, and has already become stale since its excessive exposure in the first issue. Fortunately this is all relatively sped through as most of the book is human characters, which is something we need right now as Godzilla has not been fully personified.

Of particular note is Robert Takiguchi, who follows a very traditional manga path for his character (interesting how the Japanese character follows that path. It makes me wonder if Doug Moench read up on Japanese comics before writing this series). He's a young and restless grandson who's very passionate in his beliefs and wishes to force others to see things the way he does, often by shouting over them. He's talked down and falls away into quiet brooding, watching SHIELD take the tyrant from a distance, of course with some ominous last-panel words.

In short there isn't too much I can say about this issue that I didn't say about the first one. I'm still worried about this little journey growing very stale very quick. However, this second issue gives me much more hope. The characters are all starting to find their voices, and that's really adding a savory flavor to it all. We're also exploring Godzilla in ways similar to how audiences got to explore the Predator in the 80's film, and that's always a cool thing. Also, the removed color was much less bothersome in this issue. I'm not sure what that says for the original volumes, but it's certainly a boon for this black and white reprint.

It's certainly a step up from what came before, and y'know, it was actually kind of good. There wasn't anything particularly wowing about it, but I'd definitely read this issue again. Like all good things, Godzilla #2 blasts by with a seven out of ten.

Curse of the Undead King: Chapter Five

About fifty thousand years ago.

"We shouldn't be here," Plt whispered. "We're supposed to stay in the caves or the cellars until we're called on. Mrrda, you know what happened to Poul..."

"Ssh," Mrrda breathed as he bent a large leaf aside for the young lady. "I want to show you something. Don't worry, I come this way all the time."

Plt tiptoed past, taking slow and deliberate steps to prevent the dead and dry forest floor from cracking beneath her feet. Her big, brown eyes gazed up at Mrrda, speaking loudly of fear and life.

"Don't worry," he added reassuringly. Then, a bit more darkly: "They don't like it out here. It's too alive."

Mrrda wasn't much for lies. As the pair continued on under the stars, they found that the night became far less still as they marched away from the towering city of their masters. The crisp bed of dead leaves became a wet mulch dotted with greens and crossed and hatched with slippery, veiny vines. Bugs buzzed by, their wings drumming quickly as they fled the screams of tree-dwelling bats. The air became thick with pollen and humidity, coating the surrouding jungle in both yellow dust and slimy sweat. Each step seemed to make something slide, breathe, or pop—a sensation not unlike the berry-stomp.

"Where—"

"Ssh," Mrrda breathed again, this time putting a finger to her lips. "You'll see soon enough. You don't want me to ruin the surprise, do you?"

"I don't like surprises." Plt crossed her arms and puffed out her lip. An unwise choice for one traveling in dense forest. A lively stick rolled beneath her foot, causing her to stumble forward. Her hands, tucked neatly away in her armpits, were too clumsy and tangled to wing-out for balance. Mud caked up her knee as one leg slid into the earth, but a firm grasp held strong on her elbow, saving the rest of her from the same fate.

Mrrda smiled down at her, swallowing a laugh but coughing up the chuckle. "You have to be careful. No ground is steady here."

"I can see that," she huffed, digging nails into his bicep and yanking herself up. "Maybe that's why they make it stable."

"Whatever stability they achieve," he let go of her arm as he spoke, "is merely a side effect of their quest for despair."

Longbugs sang for the pair as they pressed onward, pushing past reaching branches and the weeping curtains of willowy trees. At last they came to a place where the leaves were pressed on a cool night breeze. The wind carried with it a sweet scent, something like honey. It was almost too sweet, almost sickening, but still on the side of pleasant. Mrrda watched as Plt closed her eyes and took it in, her slender nose wiggling in the air as she sniffed gently. With a grin he grabbed what he knew to be the last wall of leaves and ripped it aside, revealing a field of stars in a valley beyond.

Of course they weren't really stars—they were flowers. Flowers with petals that twinkled like stars, casting golden light into their valley at the bottom of a grassy knoll. Though they certainly seemed to match the stars in the sky. Lanterns in the darkness above, candles on the darkness below.

The reflections sparkled in Plt's eyes. At once she rushed ahead, her bare feet pounding on the gentle grass with soft thwops. Mrrda tore off after her, quickly matching her pace and following her in a tumble into the field. The flowers were deceivingly wet and strong, not pulling up as the two danced through them. They grabbed each other and spun, Mrrda lifting Plt into the air so she could see the miles and miles of majestic glowing grace. At last his arms ached and he set her down. Promptly they fell over, resting on their backs and enjoying the warm kisses of the wet petals.

"What are these?" Plt asked at last, her breath heavy from the sudden excitement.

"Flowers," Mrrda replied plainly. He managed to pluck one and pass it over to her. Plt clasped it in both hands and held it just below her chest as she stared up into the true stars.

"I know they're flowers... but what kind? Flowers that glow? Flowers that are warm and wet and so vibrant and alive? Flowers that smell (and taste) like honey?"

"Taste?" Mrrda turned his head. Plt faced him, a sheepish smile on her face. Between her lips poked the glowing remains of the flower he had handed her. They rustled a bit before disappearing with a gulp.

"I don't know if that's—"

"They smelled so sweet." Plt's eyes grew wide and pleading. "I couldn't resist."

Mrrda thought for a minute. "I'm sure it's probably okay..."

They were silent for a while, simply being together in the glow of so many stars. Each minute seemed to bring them closer together, until at last the warmth of the kissing flowers was combined with the warmth of their bodies pressed together, side by side. Their fingers closed tight on one another's hands. Mrrda's face was hot, an extra bit of sweat found its way to the surface. That's how they stayed, for a while, getting used to the feeling of each other's skin and the all the sounds of their breath and their hearts and the way their chests rose and fell each time they took in breath.

"Why don't you name them?" Mrrda asked after some time.

"Hm?"

"The flowers. Why don't you give the name?"

"I'd probably call them something stupid. Like 'Star Flowers' or 'Star Honeys'. I'm not very good at naming things. I probably couldn't even name my child."

The comment made Mrrda catch his breath. Pushing it away, he said: "Star Honeys is nice."

"Yeah?" She glanced at him, her face as red as his. The glow of the flower swam in the honey on her lips.

"Yeah."

They kissed then, long and slow and passionate. Kissed and held each other close until sleep came for them. They spent the night alone together, forgetting the world, forgetting their masters, forgetting all that was not each other, the moon above them, and their bed of Star Honeys.

Film Review: Prometheus (2012)

2012's Prometheus was said to be a pseudo-prequel to the ever-popular Alien franchise of SciFi/Horror films. Since, y'know, AvP is one of my favorite movies and all, I was seriously hyped to get a glimpse of this supposedly "Not Alien" Alien movie.

That was a mistake.

Don't get me wrong, Prometheus has a lot of awesome cinema going for it. You got explosions, crisp imagery, pretty good acting, decent dialogue. Hot actresses. The cast is nice and diverse, and each character behaves and sounds like a unique individual, regardless of how much of a stereotype they are. The first hour or so is actually all really interesting exploration of both characters and setting, with a lot of awesome development and build up that seriously engages the audience and throws you for all kinds of loops.

And it just keeps building!

And building.

...And building...

That's the problem with Prometheus. It builds. Now I get it, building is fun. World-building in particular is a blast. Unfortunately, there seems to be this trend, and Prometheus is hardly the only offender, of all build. Build, build, build. Rising action, rising action, rise, rise, rise. It's like a roller coaster that keeps going up, always building the suspense. But it never goes down. You just keep going up and up, forever. That shit gets boring after a while. Can you imagine being on that roller coaster? Up, up, up, and then at the very top of the track the train comes to a stop at a platform where some guy tells you "Welp, ride's over, kiddies. Everybody out". That's what it's like when a movie decides it doesn't have to follow traditional narrative form.

It hurts even more when you know that the decision wasn't made for any artistic or narrative purpose, but simply so the studio would have an excuse to make a sequel. Maybe that sequel will even be good and actually tie in all the loose ends, but if that's what they wanted to do they shouldn't have advertised or marketed Prometheus as a movie. Maybe a TV series would have been better, or perhaps its time to revive the old film serial format at a lower ticket price. If film studios want to create long going stories to keep audiences coming back, they need to stop pretending what they're making are actual movies. A movie is a confined narrative, beginning, middle, and end. That's it.

Even franchises like Iron Man, which continue pretty closely off of each other, have self-contained stories for each installment. That's simply how a movie plays out. When I pay, what is in this decade a ridiculous ticket price, to see a movie I want to see a full blasted movie. I don't want to see a prologue and have to shell out twelve more dollars two years later for the middle (and with the recent trilogy trend, probably another twelve another two years later for the epilogue). That's not okay.

Either make a six hour movie if that's what it takes, or make your film in a different medium. And definitely don't pretend it's a movie, and definitely don't price it like one.

Oh man, did that drive me nuts. And it's not the only thing that did, either.

Despite all of Ridley Scott's cries of "This is not an Alien movie!" it is most definitely an Alien movie. At least, part of one. Audiences which haven't seen or aren't familiar with the way that franchise works are going to be completely lost. You really do need that kind of knowledge to understand what's happening, and even with it you're going to be a little in the dark. You get to see some prototype Xenomorph stuff, which is all really cool. I was particularly a fan of the gigantic octopus face hugger. That was sweet. However, there's a lot of other weird stuff here which is never really explained (oh, but I'm sure it will be in the sequel). For some reason one guy who gets acid-blooded to death later returns as a zombie and slaughters half of the ship's crew. There's no explanation for this, and it's just chalked up to be "Alien Stuff". Alrighty then. The Xenomorph here also seems to be able to fit neatly within a corpse while fully formed, which is an utter failure in terms of logic.

Actually, logic is something this movie has none of. Of particular note is Ms. Vickers, the overseer of the mission. She's one of those nearly robot lady leaders who operates in a by-the-books manner despite twisting every written rule to push her asshole agenda. She has protocols for handling situations which she completely ignores, even taking the captain off deck to get her fanny patted. An action which leads to mass confusion for the crew throughout the film. Later on as the alien ship is falling out of the sky, she simply runs in a straight line as it tumbles along behind her, eventually getting squashed to death despite having damn near five minutes to run left or right and get out of the way. It's like she exists in an old video game or something.

Oh, she also has a surgical pod, but it's just for her. Yep. All for her.

Now, the whole purpose behind the Prometheus mission is to reach out into the darkest corners of space to find the Engineers, a group of extraterrestrial beings who created mankind by seeding the Earth with their own DNA (arguably the sacrificial Engineer could have been a reference to the Prometheus of lore). However, despite having raised the human race and giving them maps to locate the Engineer home world, the ETs seem to have decided, some 2000 years ago (odd, thinking about which particular non-Greek religious figure was born right around then), to eliminate us (with the use of the Xenomorphs as a biological weapon). Why is never explained.

Nothing is ever fucking explained.

Agh, this movie makes me so angry. And really what it has is good it just needs to give some fucking answers. I don't dig the money-grabs in cinema lately, and this has been the most blatant example of all. Maybe I'll appreciate this film more when the rest of its collective narrative comes out, but right now this has pissed me right the fuck off. I can't give this movie a positive score, because it's not a movie. However, because it's a high-quality not-a-movie, I can't give it an absolutely shit score, and there are some pretty cool Proto-Alien things. So I'll give it a four out of ten. Maybe I'll appreciate it as a whole when the next one comes out, but I will never be able to appreciate Prometheus on its own. Never.

Comic Review: Godzilla, King of the Monsters #1 (Essential Godzilla) (2006, Marvel Comics)

As promised, I've finally cracked open my copy of Essential Godzilla (unfortunately "Cracked" should be taken literally. The second I opened it up the front page split halfway up the binding 3:) and gave the first issue a quick read. I spent a while wondering whether or not I should review this issue by issue since the comics aren't presented in their original form, but then I thought: "Mario Bros. Classic wasn't exactly a port of Mario Bros., but I reviewed that anyways. Might as well do the same for Godzilla."

And here we are approximately twelve hours later, my fingers on the keys and Godzilla tearing through my brain. I'll have to begin with the negative, I suppose, of which there isn't very much. In fact, the only real negative to this comic would be the fact that it was a black and white reprint of a color comic. Now, I have nothing against black and white comics. I read a large volume of manga on a regular basis, and it would be much less charming if it were all in color. Unfortunately, removing the color from something intended for it often damages it. It can now be fairly difficult to distinguish exactly what I'm looking at, particularly in action sequences when there is much swooshing and motion dragging. Explosions become blots of black ink, you get the drill. Taking the color out seriously hurt the comic, and I wish they'd release a more accurate reprint in full color (and on better paper... with better binding...).

Of course a book is only as good as its story. This being a first issue, there isn't very much of it (and I fear the rest of the series will continue that trend). We get some narration by a distant observer as Godzilla wakes from a forced hibernation within the confines of a glacier, something which I believe is fairly common for the big lizard. He then takes to immediately destroying anything in sight, which happens to be an oil pipeline in Northern Alaska. This story really takes Godzilla back to his most primal days, when he wasn't a scaly softy and simply a radioactive, green force of nature (like another certain Marvel hero).

We're also treated to a brief origin story, which is fairly different from the original one and isn't nearly as powerful. Godzilla was originally a metaphor for the destructive power of nuclear warfare. Now he's just an ancient beast, awoken by experiments (which are still nuclear, at least). Other than that he exists in relatively the same form with similar histories, and his two-decade ravaging of Japan is referenced several times throughout the book, leaving lots of room to interpret the majority of the film series as canon.

Throughout the chaos we are introduced to several human characters, including three of Marvel's classic heroes, all members of S.H.I.E.L.D.. The SHIELD agents, already being developed personalities, far outshine the series-original humans, who are right now a rather bland bunch of plot-drivers. I'm hoping they'll develop a little more as the story progresses. Interestingly, it looks like our antagonist/protagonist (I'm not sure if we're supposed to be on Godzilla's side or not) is Fury's old war buddy, Dum Dum Dugan. I'm not familiar with the Dugan character outside of the Captain America film, but he's very stylish and defined with his constant bowler hat and all. I'm pretty excited to get to meet this new character, although he isn't quite as thoughtful as I'd have liked from the figurehead of the Howlers.

Ultimately the book is passable, and actually pretty good at times. I feel as though the writers were a little trapped, though, and while the series is building in some interesting directions with continuing threads, I'm worried that it will quickly become monotonous. There's only so much that can be done with any individual character, and while Godzilla would probably make a great sometimes-character, I don't know how he can handle a monthly on his own. There's also a lot of forgetting I'll have to do, because the Godzilla in my head is more of an anti-hero than an uncaring beast. I'm sure somebody out there is capable of writing a very thrilling Godzilla story that takes it all in lots of wonderful directions, but my first impression of Godzilla, King of the Monsters is that "This isn't it".

But it hasn't been bad yet. Maybe a little boring, but not bad. I'm going to give it a six out of ten, because there isn't really much going for it yet. Here's to hoping it all gets better!

Fire Lily: Chapter Two

The shower ran for forty minutes before it fell cold. Not that it mattered to Lily. She wasn't in it. Getting wet would just get in the way. But her mom couldn't know what she was doing, that she was lighting up, and the rainfall made a great sound screen.

She snorted and furrowed her eyebrows. It just wasn't working. She slammed her eyes shut and tried to remember. The first time was the most vivid, but the second and third were pretty clear, too. Her memories danced from one to the other, dropping the wrong things in the wrong places. Her mattress in the girl's room at school, the stall in her living room where there should have been a couch. She groaned.

"Focus," she muttered. "Just pick one."

The memories taunted her, tossing her bureau into the living room and dumping the TV by the stall. The only things right between the lot of them was the fire and the smoke.

"Okay," almost a sigh.

The smoke couldn't betray her. All three times it had been thick. Thick enough to hold. And all three times it hadn't bothered her. Her lungs took it in as eagerly and efficiently as it did the clean air. Not once did she sputter or cough. Instead it warmed her more thoroughly than anything ever had. It stirred in her belly, like a ball of tender, loving fire. It moved through her veins, licking into her fingers until their tips were beyond rosy pink and deep within the realm of blazing orange.

Her eyes snapped open. She could feel it now, straight from her thoughts. So warm. So comforting. She did it. She'd brought back the heat. After all the struggle and the doubt. She glanced at her hand.

White as bone. No sunset glow or primrose pink. The blaze snuffed out in her belly, and the heat left her limbs in haste. Instead of inferno came cold. More than before. It was the kind of cold that locks tight on the bones and leaves the front door open for its good friend, despair.

Even the lone tear that tumbled over her cheek felt like ice. The bathroom swerved and twisted. Something in her stomach leapt to her throat. The thrumming of the cold shower urged it on, seeming to become a sinister drum. Her fingers clenched the side of the sink, and her other hand the tub, as she hurled into the sky blue toilet.

Frosty sweat froze on her forehead as she caught her breath. Of course it didn't work, she scolded. You're crazy. Crazy crazy. Just a stupid crazy. She stared at her shaking hands, still clasping porcelain, knuckles white on the grip. A second wave burned up her throat, but she fought it back down. The stench of the last rush still hung between her teeth, a painful, sickening, reminder of her failure. Salty tears crashed to the bowls murky water.

Knk! Knk! Knk!

"Huh?" She pulled her head up and wiped her eyes. The sound seemed so distant and unreal. She wondered if she'd even heard it at all.

"Lily? Are you okay in there?"

So it was real. She opened her mouth to answer, but something gross scented her words. She spat it into the toilet and called out a little loudly: "Yes, I just swallowed some shampoo by mistake."

"Well don't make a habit out of it." A laugh carried beneath the door crack. "And do be careful with the conditioner. I assure you, as a dessert it is equally unkind."

"Okay." She rolled her eyes. Even for a librarian, her mother thought herself far too clever.

"Dinner is ready, so finish up." The clomp of shoes carried off, then hurried back. "And I'd prefer not to have an outrageous water bill this month. I don't understand why it takes you an hour when I'm only in there for twelve minutes."

The footsteps fell away again before she could respond. Lily sighed and looked down at the murky bowl. Her insides gave a final false heave as the mess swirled away, and she was alone again except for her rotting breath.

Why didn't it work? Why? Why? Why am I so crazy?

A cold tear glinted in the lamplight. She wiped it away, along with her thoughts. Her mother would get impatient if the shower didn't end soon.

The cold water was daunting, but for the lie to work she had to get a little wet.

5 F-Zero Racers Who Should Join the Brawl!

Hot on the heels of my 5 Zelda Characters Who Should Join the Brawl and 5 Pokémon That Should Join the Brawl posts comes something a little further out in left field: the five top F-Zero pilots who deserve a chance to shine in the next installment of Super Smash Bros.! These guys were shattering speed records a full nine years before a podrace was even a crayon scribble in George Lucas' coloring books. Naturally the most famous of this motley crew is the legendary Captain James Falcon, but he's not the only big time player in the F-Zero Grand Prix. Falcon's self-appointed rival, Samurai Goroh, even crashed the last Smash Party as a wild and unruly Assist Trophy. While most of the F-Zero cast are extremely unimportant characters even within their own franchise, they have a (sometimes) cool superhero vibe that isn't (always) easily forgotten, and naturally there's a core cluster of characters that really deserve a bit more exposure than they're given. Just who do I think should be speeding through to join the ranks of Nintendo's all-stars? Let's take a look!

5. Samurai Goroh

Samurai Goroh probably deserves to be a bit higher up on this list, being one of only a few F-Zero pilots of note (and as mentioned above, being popular enough to find his way in as an Assist Trophy in Brawl), but I don't have any particular love for this brute. He's kind of the Wario of the F-Zero franchise, being the burly, ill-mannered rival of the smooth-as-silk protagonist. Goroh might act like a punk and make a fool of himself, but he's no pushover. His skills with the katana are unrivaled, and he's got the uncanny ability to handle two! He's also one of the original four F-Zero pilots to have appeared in the SNES-bound franchise debut, so right away that boost him a ways up the ranks. And don't worry about his sudden upgrade from Assist to Player Character, he's got two disciples who could perform precisely as he did as Assist Trophies: his son, the impulsive Dai Goroh, and his jaded frenemy, Antonio Guster. While I might not be a fan of the slimy samurai, I have to admit it would be pretty cool to play as a swordsman whose style is defined by being unrefined. I almost want him to take a slot just for the contrast between himself and the more fanciful fighters, like Marth. Almost.

4. Deathborn

Deathborn is seriously bad news. Even the Emperor of Evil, Black Shadow, answers to his call. This champion of the F-Zero Underworld tournament is probably responsible for the great devestation which left Captain Falcon hospitalized long enough to have his DNA stolen. He's supposedly died a number of times, each time having his failed organic component replaced with a robotic one in a process which managed not only to revive him but make him relatively immortal. He's got one serious chip on his shoulder, and has his sights set on conquering the known universe by harnessing the focused powers of light and dark which have been sealed within the F-Zero champion belts. Honestly, Deathborn would have been a better candidate for the place currently held by Ganondorf as the slow-moving but ungodly powerful C. Falcon clone character. Maybe he can claim the title and G-Dorf can get his own move pool this time around. Deathborn definitely ranks as one of my first picks for any Smash roster, and it's really just a random draw between these top four. The only reason he didn't get the number one spot is, frankly, his name. I don't think Nintendo is going to be all that keen on having the name "Deathborn" repeated again and again alongside "Kirby" and "Pikachu". That aside, he's certainly got the intimidation thing down. He'd be simply stunning in an actual Smash battle.

3. Pico

Like Samurai Goroh, Pico is one of the original F-Zero characters, and ears a special spot in the franchise because of it. Unlike Goroh, however, Pico has remained in the background for most of the franchise. While there's no question that he is an extremely skilled and ruthlessly efficient bounty hunter, possibly even being more of a rival to Captain Falcon than Goroh himself, he really hasn't done anything important in any narrative. Not that Goroh really has, either. Still, Pico's one cool dude, and he seems to have some vague relation to the Koopa Pack, being a large, humanoid turtle and all. Actually, his being a space turtle kind of makes me wonder if he has more in common with Michael Bay's Alien Ninja Turtles than anything else. He does kind of look like an evil Leonardo. Anyways, Pico is one of the cooler characters on the F-Zero roster, and he's a visually unique character that would really liven up any Smash battle.

2. Jody Summer

Jody Summer might seem like an odd pick for the number two spot. She has almost no importance in the games themselves, and in her only unique cutscene she does little more than dance with a sparkly ribbon. However, she plays a larger role in the events of the anime. Being some kind of space cop, I'd expect that Jody has at least some combat experience and a few toys to mess around with. Jody also seems to be a favorite among developers, having trophies in both Melee and Brawl, and often being shoehorned into most F-Zero promotional material. It's really no wonder though, because despite being extremely undeveloped, Jody is a character that just sticks with you. Her position here might simply be one of nostalgia, as she was one of the few F-Zero racers I actually cared about in my younger years (her and Bio Rex were my F-Zero X mains), but there is something about this particular character that seems to strike the right chords with a good amount of people.

1. Black Shadow

Captain Falcon's arch-nemesis, Black Shadow is a murderous lunatic with a penchant for chaos and destruction. Before Deathborn came onto the scene, it was Black Shadow who ran the criminal underground with an iron hoof. Like his goody-two-shoes enemy, Shadow wears an animal-themed costume, his being a bull. He's probably one of my favorite supervillains, let alone F-Zero characters, in terms of costume design (although his voice acting and dialogue leave a lot to be desired. When will Nintendo hire an actual script write? [The answer: Miyamoto must retire]). He doesn't quite have the threatening bulk of Deathborn and he isn't quite as stunning as Pico, but Black Shadow definitely has a  stylish blend of Loki and Magneto with just a dash of Venom, all of which are good things. He was a little top heavy in his appearance in F-Zero GX, but with a little tweaking, I'm sure he'd be a force to be feared if he ever got the chance to lay waste in Super Smash Bros..