Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"Y" Aren't You a Vowel? - Minor Note

If you read this post, you might have noticed that I stopped putting the letters in quotations after announcing that I consider the letter "Y" to be a female. I'm sure this bothered some grammar nazis, but I didn't do it blindly! I chose to remove the quotations at that point because it also revealed that the alphabet, at least in that context, are characters (not the phonetic kind). Last time I checked, character names don't go in quotes (usually).

"Y" Aren't You a Vowel?

When I was a kid, six and seven, my elementary school designated me educationally incompetent on the sole basis that I had ADHD. Despite my insatiable appetite for words (and my ability to read and comprehend at a level several grades above my peers), the school dictated that I required "special help" with what they called "Language Arts". Each morning I would be summoned away from the usual classroom and ushered into a dark room with scratchy carpeting, dingy ceilings, musty air, and some weird cubicle walls that rubbed like sandpaper. In this dark corner, seated at a long table alongside four or five other kids I never bothered to really acquaint myself with, I was "taught" to read.

Y'know, that thing I already knew how to do. Because my ADHD didn't actually make me a moron, I aced everything with ease. Five minutes into the class and I was done with my paperwork and had earned the privilege to play one of those cheap 90's educational computer games. The ones with puppy dogs flying airplanes and dropping the appropriate letters onto bridges to help a pig cross the canyon. Instead of just giving the pig a lift in the airplane. I dunno, man, just give him a ride over. Who the hell wrecked the bridge going to his house, anyway?

Whoops, ADHD. Anyways, I wasn't stupid, so these "special" classes were really no trouble at all. It was kind of fun, getting everything right. The other kids called me the "Human Dictionary", which was a very welcome stroke to my ego. Even the teachers were often pleasantly surprised with my uncanny ability to understand the lesson on the first go (though most of the time, I understood the lesson before it had even begun. It isn't that difficult to come up with five words using the letter "G"). There was one thing I never quite understood, and they weren't ever able to teach me. Maybe this is why I was in the special reading group, but I don't see why. My thoughts never impacted my ability to perform. They were just ramblings, actually of the sort I post regularly.

When it came to the letter "Y", I just didn't get it. I still have a lot of trouble with it--not using it, just understanding its place in the world. I have this habit of personifying everything, and in my mind "Y" was lonely being neither a vowel nor a consonant. It was made fun of by both groups and wasn't allowed to play their reindeer games. "She", actually. Y is a girl. Anyways, I decided that Y simply was a vowel, and there was nothing more to it. None of this "sometimes" nonsense. She's a vowel. Done deal.

The teachers didn't really like that.

I always made sure to write "sometimes" when filling out worksheets, so I was always correct academically. But every session would end with a class discussion, which I typically dominated, where we would talk about the lesson, but sometimes about current events or whatever other topic happened to show up. Frequently these discussions devolved into debates between myself and the instructors on the letter Y in which I would argue that Y is simply a vowel and there's nothing more to it. In an attempt to appeal to my reasoning, the teachers argued that Y couldn't be a vowel because there were no words in which it pronounced its own name. Even the word "why" forces the letter to pull from I's bag of tricks.

There's probably a little validity to that argument. After all, there are instances where the other vowels are called by their names. One of the first things a child learns about vowels is their variant pronunciations (which I believe were referred to as "hard" and "soft" noises, which might be why I use such terms when referring to certain syllables). Y lacked a hard or soft sound, opting instead to have a very wide assortment of available sounds pulled from its cousins. Still, I couldn't accept this as true. In my mind a word using Y by its name existed by simply hadn't been discovered yet.

Everything was about discovery, you see. Discovery or creation. I imagined a whole group of scientists working day and night on our letters, trying to uncover their meanings using mathematical calculation and powerful computer simulations. I was certain there was a team of expert alphabetologists toiling away at the mysteries of the language to uncover the coveted "Word of Y". Alternatively, I also imagined a group of engineers running various new words through test group after test group, like a new product, to determine which word would work best at representing the letter on its own.

So what I said to the teachers was: "They're working on it."

Almost reasonably, the teachers told me I was wrong. There was nobody working on turning "Y" into the vowel she so desperately yearned to be, and nobody ever could, because Y wasn't a vowel and that was that. After a few bouts with these certified child-handlers, they began growing angry with me, often yelling at me, because that's what adults do with children. Yell at them in the hopes of either shutting them up or making them finally understand that "you are wrong, I am right". Unfortunately for them, my mother was a yeller as weller, so I knew how to yell right back.

And the funny thing is: I still think they're wrong. Of course there isn't any organization of coat-clad colleagues busily constructing new and exciting words and digging deep into the ancient recesses of the Earth to find that one word which uses Y in all her glory. However, you don't need a white coat and a Ph.D. to create a new word. People do it all the time. "Ain't ain't a word" until it suddenly was. That's kind of the beautiful thing about language. It's an always-changing, evolving concept with the sole purposes of suiting the needs and wants of the people using it.

Right now it's probably true that Y isn't a vowel. She's a semivowel, of course. Really, though, she doesn't have to be. We simply have chosen her to be. We have designated that role for her. And we can, at any time, choose to grant her the status of "vowel" and pop off a word which utilizes her name. Of all the vowels in the land, the, Y would be the best. Not only is her name honored with a word, but she has the talents of I and E, too. She also offers her services as a glue to bind certain words together.

Maybe "They" aren't working on it, and maybe "They" never will. That's fine. But dear Y, I promise you this: I'm working on it.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Video Game Review: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (The Legend of Zelda: Collector's Edition) (Nintendo GameCube)

Ocarina of Time was one of the very first video games I got for the Nintendo 64 back when I was about eight or nine. Of course, I had very few games in those days, so most games from my single-digit decade are among "the very first". Back then I loved it. I mean, I never 100%ed (and to be frank, I still haven't), but I cleared pretty much every challenge. I found every Great Fairy, got every item... then, like now, all I was missing was the last couple of hearts and a few dozen Gold Skulltulas. Despite that, I remember playing the game for hours. Of course, Majora's Mask came around pretty soon, and Ocarina of Time was well on its way to being completely forgotten. It didn't help matters that I somehow lost track of the cartridge (along with the majority of my N64 games of the time... still can't find my Turok games or Golden-Eye, among a handful of others), and despite receiving a free copy of Collector's Edition with my Nintendo Power subscription, I still managed not to play it for more than ten whole years! Occasionally I'd load it up and play through the Great Deku Tree, but after that I'd find myself drawn right back into Majora's Mask, and so Ocarina went relatively untouched since my original play through.

Hot on the heels of the steaming turd that is Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects, I found myself desperately wanting to play a Zelda game. My first thought was Spirit Tracks, which I haven't been able to finish. Unfortunately, the microphone on my 3DS doesn't play well with original DS games, and the top half of my DS Lite recently went out like a fire on a cold night. Fortunately, I have no shortage of Zelda games, and was about to dive into Majora's Mask for the umpteenth time when Ocarina of Time begged and pleaded and cried from the revolving select screen of Collector's Edition. Satisfying the littler critter's cries, I pressed "A" and sat back.

This decision couldn't have made me happier.

Actually, that's a lie, because it definitely could have. There's a lot to find wrong with Ocarina of Time, and I'm going to try doing it without comparing the title to the far superior Majora's Mask. I think the most grating aspect of the game had to be Epona, which is weird, because I love her. But boy, she is one stubborn mule! It doesn't matter how many carrots you feed her, that horse just will not jump if she doesn't want to jump, and she has a weird habit of rearing up whenever you get anywhere near something she doesn't like. I mean, her hit box is huge! Most of the time, navigating around Hyrule Field upon the horse's back is seriously more laborious, and it often doesn't beat the tumbling alternative. I mean, it'll probably get you around more quickly, but the blind fury I felt at times far outweighed that benefit.

Oh, speaking of Hyrule Field, I think I'll also use the review to bitch about some of the common bullshit complaints this game receives.

But first, more negatives! The game can be pretty cryptic at times, and like a lot of older adventure games and RPGs, it has a habit of not actually telling the player what to do next. This happens within dungeons themselves quite frequently (how I loathe thee, Forest Temple), but it also happens pretty often between story events. Now, there isn't anything wrong with not directly spelling it all out for the player, that just adds to the mystique and challenge, but there is something wrong with the game giving you no hints at all. This becomes tedious in later levels when you have a lot of abilities at your disposal, and you realize that there are at least three songs you could play to reveal the key you need. Each song is going to take about a full minute to execute once you've typed it all in and Link finishes up his playing, and this gets really tiring really fast.

Oh, and then it turns out that none of the songs work. Neither do any of your items. It's not even a matter of not having the proper item yet in most cases, and actually, I'm not even going to count those (mostly) because once you get the proper item you're stricken with that "A-ha!" moment, and it feels good, chap. However, there are times where you just flat out don't know what to do, and even after finding the solution in the guide, I couldn't help but squint my eyes and think: "What? How does? Fucking sense that still don't make."

Contrary to this, the Water Temple is easy as piss, not all that infuriating, and probably my favorite temple in the game. To be honest, I loved every second of that, which is weird, because I absolutely hate the Great Bay Temple in Majora's Mask. Go figure. Anyways, I found the Water Temple to be really well designed. It was kind of the perfect balance between difficult and doable, with the exception of the boss and sub-boss, which are utter bullshit on both accounts.

My other major complaint, other than a few minor hiccups here and there, is the items. Not all of the items, and not even how they're executed, but just... some of the items. For instance, you obtain the Silver Gauntlets in the Spirit Temple, the second-to-last dungeon in the game (unless you count bonus dungeons like the Gerudo Training Grounds, which I will get to in a moment), and about an hour after you get them you are replacing them with the Gold Gauntlets. What was even the point of giving us the silver ones? Absolutely no time has passed, certainly not enough for us to care about the upgrade. Not to mention that there is all of one location on the map where you're going to need the Gold Gauntlets to access anything. It's a useless upgrade, made specifically to move its dungeon along.

The dungeon-specific-key-item is a common complaint among those who would decry Ocarina of Time (and much of the Zelda franchise), but it's not really a huge issue. Not nearly as huge as they make it out to be. Yeah, the Gold Gauntlets peeve me, and the Mirror Shield, while awesome, has a similar role, but most of the items are utilized to pretty good effect in basically every dungeon after they're obtained, and also serve to increase the player's abilities to explore Hyrule. Even items which serve their primary purpose exclusively in their dungeon prior to the Gold Gauntlet fiasco serve other purposes for players who are willing to be a little impromptu. For instance, the Megaton Hammer makes short work of pretty much everyone. It's like the Biggoron's Sword, but a hammer. It rocks.

I do have a complaint with the Ice Arrows, though. They're a bonus item, so it's possible to complete the game without them, that are found so late in the game that there isn't any point. You acquire them between the Spirit Temple and Ganon's Tower, and they serve no function at all. This... bites. Ice Arrows are kind of a staple of the franchise, and they can serve a lot of neat purposes, but here they're just a tacked on extra that don't help very much in battle and drain magic which could have been used for something much better (like Din's Fire, a spell you acquire early on). I don't think the Ice Arrows are even required for any sidequests, making them a completely useless item. All I can imagine is that they were already programmed into the game (probably for the removed Ice Temple, parts of which were probably cut into the Ice Cavern mini-dungeon), so Nintendo decided "Well, why not?" and through them in.

Despite its flaws, the game really is superb. Some portions of it do seem to drag on or become tedious, such as traveling around Hyrule Field as a child or without Epona, but it really doesn't take as much time as it seems, I promise. A lot of work went into characterizing the world, and everything is vibrant and full of life. Even minor, generic characters such as shopkeepers and shared-model civilians will be memorable due to some great dialogue and unique personalities. There's the knight who wants a mask for his child, the knight who wants a little more excitement in his life, the knight that takes bribes, they're all different, unique characters, and it really does wonders for the game. In addition to these charming little details (which I adore, and which really suck you into the world), there are simple moments of pure fun, such as watching the hulking Darunia overcome with joy and busting out some funky dance moves, or later in the game with the tiny Saria riding atop his head (okay, I just love Saria and Darunia. Ruto, too).

In addition to having an immense and developed cast, OoT offers an incredible world to explore. Don't be off-put by the game having appeared on the N64, it looks beautiful. To be honest, a lot of modern games are just too busy to really focus on what makes for a great aesthetic. OoT has beautiful visuals in spades. Link has never looked better, Hyrule has never been so pristine, and it really just pulls you right in. It's very welcoming and yet at the same time evoking all the right feelings at all the right times.

And boy, it's got a musical score to match! The Ocarina of Time soundtrack is legendary, and for good reason. The game's primary focus is on music, an instrument is even the title of the game, and it delivers. Every night is brilliant and pleasing, even the sound effects are incredible. There are some weird sounds that really pull together to create a unique Zelda experience, and it simply does not disappoint. With a host of original, beautifully designed tunes as well as gorgeous renditions of franchise classics, this is pretty much the definitive video game soundtrack.

Dungeons, with few exceptions, are cleverly designed and really are a treat. They're fun, intuitive, and they'll get all kinds of gears turning in their audience before it's all through. Typically those gears are good, thoughtful gears and not teeth-grinding ones, but occasionally... In addition to the dungeons, players will find no dearth of sidequests and explorative opportunities. There are a whopping one-hundred Gold Skulltulas to seek out in the land of Hyrule, not to mention all the extra items, health upgrades, spells, and faeries. This game will keep you captive for a good long time, and you'll love pretty much every second of it.

As great as Ocarina of Time is, it isn't perfect. There were enough moments that had my eyes bulging and my temperature rising that I can't give it a straight up A or even a high B. I mean, it's a beautiful game, and to not play it is to do yourself a great disservice, but it really is only worthy of an eight out of ten.


Oh, I should mention: I forgot to talk about the plot in this review because I had already gone into it in pretty great detail earlier this week. You should check it out if you don't mind the spoilers!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Co-Created by the Mystery Man: Chapter Four

"So you know what else is illegal?" Mystery Man sauntered up the strolling driveway. It snaked its way half a mile up a hill between yards of evenly-trimmed, forest green grass. About halfway up, the driveway split and wrapped up the other side of the hill, merging again at the enormous front doors of the pristine mansion. In the center of it all was a fountain, naked cherubs dancing in the sparkling water and—"

"—And pissing all over the yard."

Behind the abrasive assassin, far down at the beginning of the luxurious lanes, rose a pillar of black, carrying on it the crackles of a blazing fire. Inferno is probably more accurate. No part of the guard house was as it had been before the question mark-clad crusader arrived.

"Hey, you gonna answer me or what?" Mystery Man scratched his head and glanced up irritably. "We aren't back to the 'Pretending Mystery Man Isn't Real' game again, are we? Even after all I've done for you?"

With a sigh, he shook his head. "Seems we are. Guess I'll just tell the butler then."

The mercenary marched up the steps, listening with satisfaction at the click of his heels on the stone. He mounted the top step, looked at the door, grabbed the knocker hanging from the lion's mouth, and promptly dove back to the drive with fingers in his ears.

There was an earth-shattering crack as smoke bellowed out over the doorway. Wood splintered in all directions, even hitting Mystery Man, though his suit absorbed the bits that did. It had hardly begun to clear before he made his move, dashing through the cloud holding his breath, katanas drawn and ready to go.

To his surprise, the suit did little to protect his eyes from the smoke. They watered over, blurring his already blinded vision. He stumbled forward, nearly tripping over a flipped tile. When his balance was regained, he found himself smack dab in the center of an assembly of very large men. Very large men, with very large guns.

"I don't suppose you'd care to explain," Mystery Man began, wiping at his red-sore eyes, "how my cross-dimensional supersuit can't protect me from a little smoke?"

Of course, Mystery Man had forgotten that the suit is not always an otherworldly portal. If his entire face were hidden behind such a structure, he would surely suffocate as the oxygen was pulled into parts unknown instead of his lungs. He stomped his foot, angered at having made such a moronic mistake.

"Moronic my ass! I'm angered at not being well-defined you stupid, son of a—"

The bullets rained down on him. Suddenly brought up to speed on his vulnerabilities, Mystery Man tumbled away, knowing that he could not depend on each slug to crawl through into another realm. He kicked out the shins of one man, who buckled just long enough for the hero to swoop up behind him and press a sword against his neck. It was classic human-shield, and it worked just as well as ever.

"Guns on the ground and your hides outside, or this guy gets gutted." Mystery Man squinted through the stretched fabric of his suit. When nobody moved, his voice filled with gravel: "I'm not joking, jackwads! Move!"

Not a soul turned. They all stood still as statues, silently calling on the hero's bluff. Then one moved, and before Mystery Man could react, the security man in his arms was dead.

"That wasn't cool, guy!" Mystery Man let the guard drop to the floor. He raised his swords, poised and ready.

"What you want, mook?"

The voice was laughably 1950s. Mystery Man turned to face its owner, a short guy with a big stomach. He was bald, old, and reeked something of stale cologne.

"Oh, I just dropped in to say 'Hi'." Mystery shuffled his feet shyly. "Oh, and y'know, I guess I might as well hit you with this, since I've been carrying it the whole story here: Y'know that asking someone to a kill a guy is just as illegal as killing that guy? I know right, go figure!"

"I don't know what you're talking about." The man waved dismissively. "All I know is there's some wacko dressed up like a goth Riddler blowing up my yard. An' if he don't make a sweet deal right fuckin' now, he's dead."

"You guys always gotta play it tough and dumb, don't ya?" Mystery Man turned away, talking over his shoulder at the line of armed men. "Don't they? Always pretending to be so innocent. Listen Captain Chili Cheese Fries, I know exactly what you've been paying for and I know exactly who you've been paying to. I'm part of the guild, got it?"

"It's funny you should say that." The voice was light and elegant with a hint of comfortable humor. It was a voice that brought memories to Mystery's mind. "So am I."

At last he had appeared, and Mystery Man knew this would be the last time they'd meet face-to-face.

At last he stood before... The Nudist!

Minor Self-Examination

It's weird that all of my fiction works with the concept of a multiverse ruling everything while I spend much of my time attempting to fit the works of other creators into a single universe because I hate it being all over the place.

What the hell, me?

I Hate Zelda's Timeline

So I just finished Ocarina of Time, which will be reviewed shortly, and it really struck me just how nonsensical the plot goes. I mean, it never did make sense to me, even as a kid, but looking at it now I can see what could have happened to make it all coherent, but then Miyamoto had to come out with his grand timeline and murder any single sliver of sense in the face. I cannot possibly rationalize Miyamoto's timeline at all, and I swear he just fucked it all up because of his ridiculous habit of loathing stories.

To spoil the ending (and some of the middle) for all you youngsters: Young Link grabs the Master Sword at the Temple of Time, but the spirits within the sword (with our knowledge of newer Zelda titles, it could have been Fi that made this decision) decide that Link is not yet ready to claim the sword, so they put him into a coma for seven years. While Link is sleeping, Ganondorf manages to take advantage of the opened Temple of Time and takes a piece of the Triforce, using it to conquer much of Hyrule. Link wakes, awakens the Sages, then defeats Ganon and locks him in the Evil Realm. Zelda then takes away the Ocarina of Time and sends Link into the past so that he may live the life that was taken from him. He returns the Master Sword to its pedestal and seals the Temple of Time.

This doesn't work for a few reasons. One: Ganon is still alive in the past, and will still wage war on Hyrule. Two: The Door of Time is not opened at the time Zelda returned Link, meaning he's going to starve to death in the Master Sword's alter. Three: Sending Link back this early in time will mean there now two Links running around, unless we work with the assumption that the Hero of Time possesses the unique ability to exist in the fourth dimension, meaning he can only exist in one place in time ever. I see that as unlikely.

Oh, also, there should now be two Master Swords, since Link brought his back in time with him.

I see two possibilities which I can sit with. The first is my least favorite:

The Link you play as travels back in time, but discovers that there are now two Links and two Master Swords. He disappears into the Lost Woods and winds up in Termina. He eventually returns to Hyrule, though he has been twisted by the evils of the Lost Woods and becomes Dark Link.

Issues: this theory presumes that there are two Eponas and that Link somehow retained the Ocarina of Time after Zelda sent him back to the past.

That theory doesn't really work for me. Neither does Miyamoto's, which goes as follows:

Link is sent back in time and informs Zelda and the King of Hyrule what is going on. Knowing what they know now, they do not gather the Spiritual Stones, not allowing Ganondorf to enter the Sacred Realm, and kill Ganondorf while he is still mortal.

Issues: As if the King of Hyrule would listen to a kid with some crazy stories, and by not clearing the dungeons Link has just condemned Lord Jabu-Jabu and the entire Hylian Goron civilization to extinction. There's also no way to assure that Ganondorf will not obtain the stones by some other method, considering that he is actively seeking them.

I should also mention here that my theories will not adhere to Miyamoto's split timeline, because I hate it. Here's how I think it all goes:

Zelda sends Link back in time intending for him to live his lost childhood. Link does what he's supposed to, returning the Master Sword (which must be exempt from the laws of time, much like the Sacred Realm) to its pedestal and closing the Door of Time (which must only be closed when the Master Sword is in place). He goes to Zelda to inform her of the coming tragedies, and she grants him the Ocarina of Time. At this point Link probably attacks Ganondorf directly, but realizes he cannot harm him without the Master Sword. Reluctantly, Link again gathers the Spiritual Stones and draws the sword, only this time he discovers that his prior experiences have made him worthy of wielding it even as a child.

He goes through the temples as a child and awakens the Sages. With their help, Link manages to defeat Ganondorf as a child and before Ganondorf is able to truly harness the power of the Triforce. Link then leaves Hyrule in search of Navi, setting in motion the events of Majora's Mask (explaining how Link has both the Master Sword and Ocarina of Time in that game, despite returning them at the end of OoT).

Issues: Link performing all actions of the past assures that his adult future never happens, meaning he has no knowledge of the coming events nor as he gone through the trials which have deemed him worthy of wielding the Master Sword without going into a coma. (This is actually an issue in all proposed theories).

The only theory which does not cause a paradox is one in which Link is sent back in time, has both the Master Sword and Ocarina from the future, and disappears into Termina while his other self is in a coma. He then becomes Dark Link or remains in Termina as a hero there. This (and the theory above) could explain why the moon's trademark grin is not present in OoT during any time which can be visited.

Another possibility (this one with more emphasis on Majora's Mask) is that Link is actually wearing Majora's Mask or during the events of that game he is being in someway tormented by the spirits of the Lost Woods. I don't really buy into the alternate dimension thing, and it would add to the creepiness factor knowing that Termina is just some messed up compilation of Link's memories from Hyrule. This could also explain how the Terminian Link has the Master Sword and Ocarina, despite that being an impossibility.

But in short: just... fuck time travel. Seriously.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Video Game Review: Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects (Nintendo GameCube)

Have you ever played a terrible game? No? Then look no further than Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects! This game has all the staples of an awful experience: game-breaking glitches on every stage, repetitive missions, incoherent plot, shitty graphics, sloppy controls, piss-poor camera, lazy original character design, boring music, crappy sound effects, and the ability to throw players into situations where all of these faults come together to rip open your ass (some insane people have taken a masochistic liking to this type of game, dubbing it "NES Hard"). The only moderately okay thing here is the voice acting, and that's... it's not really that good.

You might think that I'm exaggerating greatly to stir up some sensationalism, but I'm not. I'm only exaggerating a little bit. There are some moments when I was genuinely having fun here. Of particular note is the web-swinging action of the web-swinging characters, a mechanic which is kind of rhythmic and engaging on its own. I could basically swing around with Daredevil all day and have a good time. Some of the boss challenges can also be enjoyable once you get a pattern down, but for the most part they are an unmitigated disaster.

Let me start with the glitches. There are so many of them that you'd think the game was actually built around the concept of being unpredictable. Attacks will do inconsistent amounts of damage, enemies will frequently remain locked in "Rage Mode" for the entirety of a fight, you will fall through plenty of walls, the could-have-been-fun wall-running mechanics (which remind me of Mirror's Edge when they work) are absolutely broken as shit and will simply decide "You die now", enemy characters seem to exhibit speed and reaction timing which are utterly impossible, as well as the ability to cancel out of any frame at any point for the purposes of wiping you all over the floor, and the list just goes on. My favorite is the "Play through the game twice to unlock all of the bonuses only to have your file become corrupted and erased immediately after the rewards screen" glitch. I just love it.

This game doesn't stop being a dick when it decides to work right, either. Hell, even the cutscenes are jerks! The very beginning of the game introduces you to an admittedly tear-jerking moment in which we see Captain America vaporized, Hulk buried, and Punisher's shirt snagged up on some twisted metal poles while a Gatling gun rests where he stood. We later discover via the story mode that characters who are "Killed" by the invading forces (the "Imperfects") are not actually dead, but are simply put under some kind of mind control. Despite this, Captain America, Hulk, and Punisher are not going to be anywhere near your playable roster. I guess Cap is in the PSP version, but Punisher and Hulk are not. Do you know how excited I was to see Punisher in one of these Marvel crossover games? He never gets in on any of this stuff! Marvel vs. Capcom? No Punisher. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance? No Punisher. Marvel Nemesis?

"HOLY SHIT IT'S PUNISHER!"

No Punisher.

That's not to say the roster is bad, because you actually have a pretty solid line up of guys here. It's just... you can't go teasing us like that! Not cool. Who you do have are Iron Man, Spider-Man, Daredevil, Magneto, Thing, Human Torch, Storm, Elektra, Venom, Wolverine, and a handful of original characters: Niles van Roekel, Brigade, Solara, Paragon, Fault Zone, Wink, Hazmat, and Johnny Ohm. Unlike most people, I actually liked these new characters and I'd probably pick up a new game if EA decided to fix this dump and simply release "Imperfects" as a stand alone project or something. Most of their origins don't make a whole lot of sense, but they could be ironed out easily enough.

I do have to complain about Storm, though. Not because she's a bad character, but because they made her fight in a bikini. Now, I'm not some 'kini-hatin' prude or anything--characters that wear swimsuits into battle are just fine in my book. Storm, however, is not such a character. As far as I know, all of Storm's costumes have been pretty covering. My favorite is always going to be the white one from the animated series, but even her modern uniforms are still fitting for the character, despite being a little more revealing. Storm is okay showing off some legs or her belly or whatever, but I'm going to say underwear is a little beneath her.

So this game has all of two modes: Versus and "Story". "Story" is in quotes, because there isn't one. Sure, there are cutscenes and the characters interact and all that, but there isn't any story to be found. The heroes magically learn about this thing called "Paragon" without ever being told, everybody automatically knows where they need to be, and it's just a random bunch of people beating each other up at random places. That's okay in itself, I guess. That's what games are. I just think I would have rather they not tried to pretend there was a coherent narrative here instead of insulting my intelligence.

The only actually enjoyable things in the game are the comics and cards you unlock after completing a mission. In my version I got a Fantastic Four story and a Tomorrow People story. The comics are presented as motion comics with a narrative that doesn't actually read the word balloons. The narration is all unique and kind of distracting for anybody who actually wants to read the text on the screen. Y'see, you can't do both--it fries your brain trying. You either get the narrative or you get the comic, and it's kind of a bummer. Despite this, the Fantastic Four story is actually pretty cool. I can't say anything about The Tomorrow People, because my game flipped out and fucking erased it. I'm just going to buy the comics anyways, I guess.

Look, in short: this game is awful. Simply awful. There are some cool ideas in it and I think it had the potential to be wonderful, but it just fell flat under the weight of all the wrong. The glitches, the game-breaking difficulty, and the dreadful, boring, dark tones all detract from the game. The camera finds much joy in flying away until you're off-screen, and y'know, then you die. I enjoyed a total of about five minutes out of the entire six or seven hours I played this game, and I can't recommend it to anybody. I do, however, want EA to revive the concept and the Imperfect characters and try to fix this, because there's something good waiting to be polished out. Unfortunately, this is not good. It's not utterly dreadful, but it's pretty damn close. Even a four would be too much praise. Three out of ten for you, Nemesis, you piece of shit. Where the hell'd I put Utimate Alliance? I need to wash the taste out before it becomes permanent...

Monday, July 8, 2013

Co-Created By the Mystery Man: Chapter Three

"You know what's weird?" Mystery Man asked, slumped back in the folds of a patched, green armchair with his arms dangling limply over the sides. His head was tilted to one side of his neck, as though too weak to keep it erect. Without a word or change in posture the black suit disappeared, melting into the pores of his skin. Beneath it he was a dirty-looking individual, with dried flesh cracked up and down like a dessert rock. Prickled hairs, not long and reaching like some folks, poked out like quills on most all but his face, which had the endorsements of a coarse beard. One arm swung up unnaturally stiff, bending awkwardly to press the nipple of a brown bottle between his lips.

His Adam's apple bobbed as he chugged it down. It burned the whole way, but it was a sensation he'd come to love over the years. When the bottle was empty (it had been full when raised) he tossed it to the ground, not caring to cringe as the more enthusiastic bits sprayed up at his knuckles.

"It's weird," he paused for a minute to wipe the brown dribble off on his shoulder. "It's weird... It sucks when your creator begins to doubt your existence. Doesn't it? When you know that whatever force it was which put you on Earth begins to wonder if maybe you were a bad idea? Can you imagine your mom coming over to you one night and saying 'Son, you're a gigantic disappointment to your father and me. Now before you cry, I just want you to know, it isn't your fault. You actually haven't done anything wrong that I didn't press you to do. It's just... well, Son, we weren't ready. We couldn't have known that we weren't, but we just aren't. It's better if you leave now, Son. Leave now, and never come back.'"

He reached for another bottle. There was an airy [i]ting[/i] as his fingernail touched the glass. A simple miscalculation tipped it away. It landed with a thud, then rolled across the wooden floor until finally bumping into a raggedy stuffed rabbit. Mystery Man stared straight ahead, his dark eyes unblinking.

"'Alright, Son, climb back up in the vagina'."

He shook his head before sliding a hand over his face and sighing.

"You should have known, kid. You should have known. I mean, you made us to be mass produced. You made us with the idea of running a company, not of handling it alone. You made us as a media franchise, not a bunch of stories on a blog. We weren't even novels, man. We were comics and cartoons, couple of games. We aren't supposed to end... how the fuck can you keep up with this? And you have twenty more of us you want to write?" He threw his hands forward dismissively, tossing off some spit for good measure. "Good luck with all that. You should probably just do us up like the movies, Jack. Beginning, middle, end. New story. None of this continuous narrative bullshit you're trying. You'll never be satisfied with it. Never.

"Of course, you had to go and try it out, huh? Just had to. Look what you've reduced me too, kid. Look at me."

His disheveled appearance and stained underwear was enough to send even the most hardened men away in fright.

"Yeah, cute. That's what my story's supposed to be. Cute. I'm the funny guy, the wise cracker. I'm your reality-breaking smart ass. But I can't be that right now, can I? You know why? Because you decided that I needed a serious side. How lame is that? Well, guess what? It comes out when my god considers ditching me because he bit off more than he can chew!"

For a moment he was silent. Then, after some calming breaths which seemed only to cause further upset: "Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to you, and to the readers. I know I'm not supposed to be like this. This isn't what we planned."

His expression softened before disappearing behind the returning black veil. This drunken oaf was Mystery Man once more, and he was all but prepared to take on the world.

"Yeah, that's it. You're actually having fun now, aren't you?"

He stood from his seat, shifting his weight from side to side.

"Wedgie. Anyways, you gotta remember, kid, I'm here for [i]you[/i]. You might be sharing me with everybody else, but my purpose here is for you. You've got it inside you—sometimes you even let yourself know that. I can hear all the words, guy. I can hear every single one. That blog about Howard the Duck and Huey and Louie? I heard it. That bit of math you scribbled out to plan your leisure and your work? I heard that, too. I hear it all, so I know you can do it. Of course, this is all part of the plan, isn't it? I mean, it's improv right now, but your grand ultimate goal... that consider situations like this, didn't it? I know it did, actually. I heard it.

"You're like Batman that way. You planned to incorporate your own shortcomings. How fucking incredible is that?"

He reached deep in his chest, ripped out that favorite katana of his. With a whoosh it cut the air, and Mystery Man struck a pose only a heavily-inked ninja could.

"So what do you say, man? You gonna keep going? You gonna show the world and yourself that you [i]can[/i] be a good writer? That you [i]do[/i] have some really awesome stories to tell?"

From outside came the ring of sirens and the flash of blue lights. Tires whirred over wet pavement, and a smile creeped over Mystery Man's face. He dashed toward the window and leapt without a thought. Tumbling in a spin, reaching into his neck for another sword, plummeting face first.

As the air rushed past and through him, Mystery Man called out: "Yeah! There we go kid! That's it! You got this!

"Cowabunga!"

Who is the Father of Huey, Dewey, and Louie?

Donald's delinquent nephews are among Disney's most popular characters... arguably even more renowned than their dear unca'! Despite their 75-year history and frequent starring roles, the trio has remained something of an enigma. They are constantly shipped from relative to relative, bringing to wherever they go a series of unfortunate events--events which typically see them removed from their brief bedplace. In all this time, you'd think an explanation would be given as to just who their father is and what he's up to that has left his three children relatively homeless. The most I can find (and we, the human race, have done extensive research on the topic of cartoon ducks) is that their mother is Della Duck (a character who has seemingly been dropped from canon) and that they once hospitalized their father with firecrackers. Other than these brief instances, we have no clues as to the history and family of these poor poultries.

Actually, I think I know the answer.

The nephews' father is never seen because he is no longer of that earth. I'm not saying he's dead, mind you, just that he isn't around any more. Before I get into that, though, I'm going to characterize Della in ways which make sense to me:

She is not seen with her children because she is a mentally unstable drunk currently housed in a rehabilitation clinic. This is not evidenced by any sort of canon, but it makes some sense with the history I am about to bestow upon her.

Back to the father: his name is Howard. Howard the Duck. That's right, Marvel Comic's infamous fowl is actually the father of Disney's triumphant trio. Yes, I am saying this simply because of somewhat recent business acquisitions. Those business acquisitions, however, provide simple solutions to a great many plot holes on both sides of the equation. Howard the Duck is the unseen father of Huey, Dewey, and Loie--unseen, because he currently resides in a completely different dimension. Della, having witnessed Howard's interdimensional abduction, has become stark raving mad since.

This makes sense in a couple of other ways as well. Howard originally appears very similarly to Donald and his extended family, so much so that Disney actually sued Marvel (which is probably responsible for the shitty "real" duck body Howard's soul currently inhabits). Howard's home world "Duck World" is inconsistently shown as a world inhabited only by ducks and a world inhabited by many different anthropomorphic species. This falls right in line with Disney's "Duckverse", which is supposedly only inhabited by ducks despite being a spin-off of the Mickey Mouse franchise... oh, and there are also occasionally non-ducks shown.

It makes perfect sense that the Disney-looking duck character would be pulled out of the Disney-created Duck World, and it definitely fills in the holes for the nephews.

I demand this storyline. I demand it now! I also demand Disney's Hercules versus Marvel's Hercules.

Do it Disval. Do it now!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

List of Fictional Characters

Wario Land 4 (GBA) DS Insert


Yoshi Topsy-Turvy (GBA) DS Insert


Tales of Phantasia (GBA) DS Insert


Sword of Mana (GBA) DS Insert


Super Mario Advance 3: Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island (GBA) DS Insert


Super Mario Advance: Super Mario Bros. 2 (GBA) DS Insert


The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (GBA) DS Inserts

Silver Label:



Black Label:


Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga (GBA) DS Insert


Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3 (GBA) DS Insert


Super Mario Advance 2: Super Mario World (GBA) DS Insert


Little Shop of Horrors: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (Audio Cassette) Sega Genesis Insert

So one day I learned that audio cassettes can actually fit in some of the Sega Genesis game cases really well. Now, I only have one whole audio cassette and it's The Little Shop of Horrors: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, which I only exclusively because I am a nut when it comes to Little Shop of Horrors. I've watched the musical about a dozen times, saw a show in Boston (which was awesome) when I was about thirteen, have seen both black and white and colorized versions of the original B-Movie, and know most of the songs by heart ("Suddenly Seymour" is an exception). There's a whole three pieces of media I haven't gotten my hands on yet: two novels which don't actually use the title (which is trademarked) but the characters (which are actually public domain as far as I can tell), and an animated series which had somehow flown under my radar until recently.

I don't know how long I'll actually hold onto this little number, considering I'm all about upgrading and replacing the old with the new (if it's physical, anyway), but I think it'll probably stick around for a while and I wanted to display it up with everything else. You'll probably know this about old audio tapes, but they're small, and they don't exactly shelve nicely with more modern collections. Not to mention the little cases they came in tend to break way too easily. It just didn't feel safe to have this tiny little thing floating around my room. So, hey, I found a secret Genesis trick (some people have discovered the reverse) and made an insert! Wooh!

Unfortunately, there are almost no proper scans of the album's artwork. I had to scan all of this junk way the hell up, and even then I didn't have a spine. I think I eventually nabbed my spine off a poster or something. Either way, sizing up always sucks.



And now you get some pictures of my beautiful face.






Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup (GBA) DS Insert


Golden Sun (GBA) DS Insert


Fire Emblem (GBA) DS Insert


Final Fantasy I & II: Dawn of Souls (GBA) DS Insert


Drill Dozer (GBA) DS Insert


Donkey Kong Country 2 (GBA) DS Insert


Super Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (GG) DS Insert

I'm actually surprised I haven't uploaded this one already, because I made it a really long time ago. It's probably because I haven't actually gotten very far with my Game Gear cases (they're a huge butt to make), even though it isn't like I have many that need to be done (actually, since I sold Sonic the Hedgehog 2, I only have to make one case for MMPR and use the old Sonic 2 case to house Star Wars, but whatever).

This is probably among my favorite inserts, and not only because I made it (mostly) myself. It looks like something they would have tried to sell to kids during the 90's, and that makes me feel all cool inside. The back cover is actually a poster I found on Google, and it had some blemishes that Maranda ironed out for me. The front cover is largely the same as the one which can be found on the Cover Project, and the screenshots and most of the graphics are also from that. However, I absolutely hate the grid-style Game Gear covers. I considered going with the purple stripes, but ultimately went with black because it's a more neutral color and goes well with just about everything.


Namco Museum (GBA) DS Insert

I'm honestly not sure where I picked up Namco Museum. It seems to have spawned in my copy of Hotel Dusk while I wasn't looking, but it also seems to have replaced my Pac-Man Collection, which ticks me off... a lot, actually. I loved that thing. Pac-Attack was kind of weird, but Pac-Mania and Pac-Man Arrangement are hours of good fun. Oh well. This thing seems to have Ms. Pac-Man, Galaga, Galaxian, Dig Dug, and Pole Position--most of which I like, but have on other collections (like those radical joystick packs that plug right into the TV).

This insert is nothing more than me pasting the silver label over a black one, simply because I like the silver one more. The original can be found over at the Cover Project. This is going to be a recurring theme with today's uploads, since all this really is just for my personal hobby collection. I only made a couple of the things I'll be uploading today. Anyways, this insert doesn't look too remarkable on the screen, but it's absolutely beautiful on paper. I'd go as far as to say that it's my favorite of the GBA inserts. That's probably because the design is heavily influenced by Ms. Pac-Man's design philosophy, and I've always found the stages and artwork for that particular title to be something special.


Saturday, July 6, 2013

Pac-Man All-Stars (Windows) DVD Inserts

It's been a long while since I've posted a custom insert, but I've certainly been making them! Since I recently finished the GBA portion of my current casing project (well, I missed one game, but it's currently MIP), I think I'll get back to putting these up. At least, I'll put up the ones I've edited/made up until now.

Let's start with the most recent entry: Pac-Man All-Stars. This is a PC game I had no idea even existed, but you can't really blame me--almost nobody knows it existed! I can't even find mention of this thing on the Pac-Man Wiki. I'm pretty convinced this thing's not a legit game (such is the history of our pellet-pressing pal). I mean, it's got Baby Pac-Man on the disc (all I could get of it, unfortunately). Pretty sure Baby Paccy exists exclusive in that crapfest cartoon and never actually made it to games. Regardless, she's kind of cute so whatever. If this is some kind of fakey thing, it's one I'm happy to have around.

Unfortunately, its scarcity and relative anonymity has made it difficult to come by scans of the box art. I could purchase a sealed copy from Amazon for thirty dollars, but that's steep for an old game I won't play often (or at all. These old Windows games are really hit or miss with new comps...) and already own. I did manage to find some back and front scans at a place called Eli's Software, which seems to have mysteriously gone down in the past hour... did I just walk into a creepypasta? Anyways, I got those, had to blow them up tremendously, and managed to stitch together a spine. Since Baby Pac-Man was too short to fit properly with the rest of the crew, I made her my little mascot.

I've made two versions since both seem to be in vogue as far as PC game inserts are concerned. I would have made the covers go with the Sonic one I made prior, but I intend on picking up Gems Collection at some point and selling that off, so now is a good opportunity to start fresh with my collection of Windows games. It kind of bugs me that there isn't much uniformity across PC game cases, so I'm going to have a copy of Dragon Age: Origins that sticks out like a sore thumb (assuming I ever build a large PC collection).

Here's one with what appears to be the more popular PC label:



And here's one with more Windows influence:



I'll upload the other things I've been working on tomorrow. This post has been hard as hell to write for some reason, and I'm fearing that I'm just too tired to get the language to work out right. Maybe I'll take this game for a spin... anyways, enjoy! Night, all!

5 Space Heroes (and Villains) Who Should Join the Brawl!

It's been a while since I wrote one of these Smash Wishlist posts (the last one being my Classic Characters post over a week ago), and I've been thinking about how I wanted to handle it. I'm starting to narrow down the franchises here, and what I found was that some of the remaining franchises didn't have enough notable characters to warrant their own posts. Somehow, these franchises have even less Smashworthy characters than F-Zero! This hasn't been easy, I tell you, but it's been rewarding. Today I'm going to cover Pikmin, Star Fox, and Metroid, as well as a pair of series which haven't seen any Smashtime yet, but probably should. So let's take a look at which rising stars are hiding out there... among the stars (the actual flaming gas giant kind).


5. Ridley


Let's get this out of the way; you all knew from the second you saw the word "Metroid" that Ridley was going to be on this list. Other than Samus, the draconian leader of the Space Pirates is the only Smashable character in the franchise (at least he was, up until the introduction of some marines in Other M). Personally, I actually kind of want Anthony Higgs to show up in some way, but I'd want Ridley to show up more. He rivals Ganondorf as Nintendo's most vile villain, and his sheer unwillingness to die is remarkable. The last of his species, Ridley is a misunderstood creature who seems to act on instinct, but is really a cool, calculating individual. He actually showed up as a boss in Brawl, albeit as a Master Hand clone, and now it's time he got an opportunity to hash it out with the rest of the Nintencrew.


4. Mike Jones


Not really a space hero in the traditional sense, Mike Jones has saved the world from the threat of alien invasion on at least two occasions utilizing little more than his blistering baseball pitches and a yo-yo. He might seem like an aloof show boater, but that's only because he is. This hero from StarTropics actually shares a lot with fellow Nintendo All-Star Ness (and his predecessor [and Jones' contemporary] Ninten). While Nintendo seems to plug a pair of bananas in the ears when fans start blabbing about this young hero's exploits, there's no denying the quality of the games he's led us through, and the size of his fan base simply can't be ignored.


3. Charlie


Charlie hasn't quite proven himself in the eyes of the market, and it might have made more sense to some for Alph to have taken this place on the list, but I think Charlie is a better candidate for the role. The new Captain in Pikmin 3, Charlie leads his two crewmates to the Distant Planet to recover food for their starving world. It's important to note that I'm not advocating replacing Olimar, which is precisely why I chose Charlie over Alph (also, Alph looks dumb). Charlie's frame lends itself to a heavier Pikmin-Player, which would compliment Olimar's speedy play style. Additionally, Charlie would not utilize the five known Pikmin species. In their place, he would take advantage of the Winged and Rock Pikmin introduced in Pikmin 3, individuals which can be used in new and exciting ways, as well as any other new Pikmin species introduced in the upcoming title. He could also take advantage of the Bulbmin which were regrettably neglected from Olimar's team in Brawl.


2. Krystal


Krystal is Fox McCloud's main squeeze, and she really should have been in Brawl. Her rise to stardom came about during the GameCube era with important roles in both Star Fox Adventures and Star Fox: Assault. Though she later appeared as a major player in Star Fox Command, she didn't quite carry the same weight as in previous roles. Regardless, Krystal provides the key opportunity to introduce a truly unique Star Fox character, if not a simply unique character in general. Her blend of staff-wielding mysticism and modern weapons mastery (she's been shown to be a particular fan of grenades and Gatling guns) makes her a force to be reckoned with, and an interesting character with a lot of variety and potential. There's no reason to let this foxxy lady sit out yet another round of Nintendo's Finest.


1. Space Demon


It's time for another episode of "Character You Don't Know", starring your favorite host and mine: Nathan DiYorio! Today's topic: Space Demon--a beast so powerful and so obscure that Nintendo doesn't even have official art for him. All that exists of this unknown arcade villain is a logo and a 4-bit sprite in a game with such low distribution that you're likely never to see a copy. Ever. It's kind of interesting to me that Nintendo has not rereleased their pre-Mario arcade titles on the various Virtual Console incarnations, but regardless, I feel the Space Demon could provide Smash with a pretty neat character. There's a lot of room to work with here, as his abilities aren't very well defined. Really, all we now about this guy is that he's a demon from space. Oh, and he's pretty bad news. This one guy's got the galactic fleet up in arms, and I think having the game named after himself catapults the cretin right to the top of Nintendo's Most Wanted. After all, when was the last time you played Bowser for the NES?

Friday, July 5, 2013

Curse of the Undead King: Chapter Six

Mrrda's skull rolled away, bouncing off small rocks as it tumbled into the bushes. The tree behind where it had been splintered at the trunk. With no leg to stand on, it toppled over, laying across the road and reaching out in all directions with its needled arms. The beast who had thrown the punch whirled around and loped after the head. A mistake.

Neither it nor its cohorts saw the ribcage digging its fingers into the earth and dragging itself away from the dead wood. It crawled until it had found its sword, which it snatched up with all the grace of a buffalo at a wedding. The apes turned at the clatter, just in time for their humble leader to get an eyeful of his carelessness. He pushed out the first bit of a pained howl, but it quickly died into a quiet rasp and then to silence as his corpse copied the tree.

Its two followers glanced at one another before roaring savagely and making a dive for the bones. They missed, their fists finding only solid cement. The ribs danced away, as though snatched up by an angry wind. Soon they were joined by the lost legs and small bits of powder, and finally by the skull as it floated up and out of the foliage. The reconstituted king marched forward with menace, its eternal smile somehow a scowl. The ape-things shivered, but put on an angry facade. It was torn apart as Mrrda leapt onto one of them, digging his knees into its chest as he pummeled its face.

The skeletal sire was not as powerful as these beasts, not even as physically graced as Brrda, but he found the sharp edges of his frame sufficient in making ribbons of its fleshy face. It cried loud and deep. Warmth dripped from both its wounds and its eyes. Mrrda did not stop. He was not known practitioner of mercy.

A large hand came upon his spine and ripped him away from his prey. Without missing a beat, his skull swiveled around on its neck, glaring into the eyes of the youngest of the creatures. He shrieked loudly, like a banshee. The cry echoed far into the night, chasing off even the largest of moose and bear. There was more struggled between them, but in a few minutes it was over. The king stood proudly upon the body of the first fallen, sword in hand, awash in the red that spilled out of the beast on its end. That carcass slapped the pavement and Mrrda turned hotly on the last one standing. The one whose face was tattered at its feet.

Mrrda heaved all over, as though panting. A fierce roar tore through its teeth. The faceless one was off, disappearing into the wood from whence it came. Mrrda waited a minute for return, for reinforcements, but none came. At last he leaped triumphantly back to the road, and returned the sword to its place between his ribs. He gave one final glance to his fallen foes before continuing on.

Others still had to suffer.


***


Morning came not long after Mrrda hit the road. As it did, it revealed a small town hiding in the shadows of the mountains. Mrrda perched on a downward slope to admire it. The architecture was unusual. When he had left the living, things were built primarily of stone and wood. There were some other materials for more refined individuals, but nothing like what he saw below. And nothing quite so dark, for that matter. The structures were all small and dark, with obvious errors in their measurements. Roofs slope this way and that, tiny doors swung unevenly on their hinges. The doors themselves were remarkable. Such structures were only used for gates.

Just what are they keeping out? he wondered. His mind flicked back to the ape-beasts. Could such creatures be tormenting his descendants? Could they be responsible for his humans locking their dwellings? They were certainly capable of it. Even with the curse on his side, Mrrda had been given trouble by such brutes.

Who leads these people that would let them be at the mercy of such barbarians? Have I taught them nothing?

A sort of anger welled up within him.

This is not the world I had imagined. Let's see just how far my people have fallen.

With that he set off toward the town, his mind already locked on disappointment.