Film Review: Predator (1987)

It's really sad, actually, that I hadn't seen this film until just the other day. I pretty much knew everything about Yautja (that's the Predator species) from obsessing over them and reading the wikis endlessly after being introduced to both the Predator and Alien franchises through the first Alien vs. Predator film, which I loved every second of despite never watching any of the prior films (I did, however, own an Alien toy as a child). I only ever got around to watching Predator the other night, and intend on watching Predator 2 and Predators later this week before moving my way into the Alien franchise, working to AvP and Prometheus.

To be honest, the first few minutes of the movie dropped my expectations ridiculously low. Unfortunately, I only have the film in a full screen format, and that didn't help one bit. The set up was bad, the acting was... well, not great. The first few scenes play out like a top of the line B-Movie, but that's still a B-Movie. A B+Movie, I guess. Anyways, seeing all these beefcakes march out with their penis-pistols didn't do very much for my anticipation, and I was so afraid that I was going to be completely disappointed in this film.

In some aspects, it is a disappointing movie. Generally, though, it is not. Right away, though, the sheer stupidity of our bunch of protagonists--who are supposedly the greatest military mercenary unit in the world--was astounding. They're tasked with rescuing hostages from a delicate situation, but upon finding the enemy camp, they proceed to blow the living shit out of everybody with bazookas and grenades. They literally find the people they are supposed to rescue and drop bombs in front of them. "Rescue" does not mean "kill". I had huge issues with this simply because of the lack of any logic whatsoever.

The rest of the film, though, is pretty good. We're treated to a romp through the jungle as the Predator studies, tracks, and slaughters the world's finest in an environment completely alien to itself. I don't know if I watched this right, but I had more fun exploring the Predator as a creature and wondering how it viewed us, and what it was thinking. It's made very clear that he has more of an interest than just in killing, as the Predator appears to be studying us as a species, and observing our culture and language. Ultimately we know that this knowledge will be used to figure out the most suitable strategy for disemboweling us, but that's okay, because watching this creature learn about its adversary is a very rewarding experience.

I also have to commend this film as being the only one I've ever seen do Monster-Vision right. Granted, this movie's Monster-Vision is actually thermal vision, but I'm okay with that. Later in the film the Jungle Hunter removes his helmet and we get to see how it actually views the world, and this wasn't nearly as impressive as the thermal vision. I found these segments to be simply unenjoyable to watch because it was difficult to see anything at all. In retrospect and after reading about the way a Predator sees in the high infrared spectrum I can understand and respect, from a creative perspective, what was going on, but as a viewer I didn't like it so much. It would have made more sense to me for a creature as advanced as the Predators and as focused on hunting without a naturally (at least, without a demonstrated) powerful sense of hearing or smell, it just felt like the Predators should have had a wider range of vision. It's obvious the species puts a heavy emphasis on sight, and I feel like that should have been their strongest natural asset, so Predator-Vision should have been more colorful and less murky, in my opinion.

Although, something I thought of just now which I'm sure the creators haven't ever thought of but I think is interesting: perhaps the Predators did not naturally evolve as hunters like humans did. I guess this kind of goes against their other physical assets, claws and mandibles and such (although perhaps this served other purposes, such as digging and draining the juice from thick-shelled fruits?), but maybe the Predators only became hunters once their technology advanced enough to enhance the senses which they were lacking. I think that would make an interesting back story, that of a race which was not naturally all that powerful to have developed power which drives it to constantly test its limits and assert that it has, in fact, become an extremely dangerous being merely through determination. Just something interesting that popped into my head. Maybe I'll expand on that in a later post.

What did bother me about the portrayal of the Jungle Hunter was the inconsistency of his honor. Billy chooses to battle the creature alone with only a knife in what is an honorable duel, but it is implied that the creature merely shot him down the way it shot down everybody else. This doesn't work with what we know about the Predators as a species, but it works even less because later in the film the creature shows honor when battling Schwarzenegger's character (Dutch) by disarming itself, removing its armor and helmet, and going all down to its natural strength and abilities. What I know of the Predators, and what was implied in several other moments of this film, is that the Jungle Hunter would have accepted Billy's invitation to duel, and would have combated him without armor, without helmet, and with only a melee weapon of comparable use to Billy's machete. It's possible that all of this happened off-screen, but that's not what's implied.

Additionally, at the end of the film, after the Predator is defeated it does not admit to its foe that it has lost in an honorable fashion, but throws a tremendous fit and decides that it's going to blow everyone up. I know the Predators have the whole honor-suicide thing, but you'd think that in situations where they are obviously invading another planet for their hunt and hunting that planet's native species (as opposed to when hunting the Xenomorphs, which the Predators have put into the planet purely for sport and must contain as to prevent them from destroying the rest of the ecosystem), they'd instead utilize something more like seppuku or maybe simply a lethal injection.

Not only is the Predator a sore loser, though, but it cements the fact that it could potentially be a rogue and psychotic member of its race by cackling like a generic villainous mastermind as if to say: "Sorry, fucker, but I never lose!" Not only can the Jungle Hunter not accept the fact that it was bested in the hunt, not only did it not give Dutch a warning about what was going to happen during its honorable suicide, but it took great pleasure in knowing (well, believing) that it would turn a loss into a stalemate. I call bullshit on this guy, especially since the Predator culture is shown to be very tribal and honor-based. They either need to come back in a future film to explain that Jungle Hunter was an escaped psychiatric patient (or a banished one?) and that actually sane Yautja admit defeat and finish themselves quietly. With the exception of perhaps a large-scale conflict with another race or tribe, because all's fair in war.

Perhaps not a fair criticism, but while I'm on the topic of the Predator, the invisibility technique is simply awful. I mean, I know it's an old movie and all, but I'm not really inclined to take it easy on the film because of that. The invisibility is poor, the energy blasts are pretty poor, and the athletic stunts remind me of old Star Trek episodes. The costume is also not the best, but it's not anything too bad outside of one scene (arguably one of the best scenes) where it's clear that the fingers are part of a suit and that the actor had a difficult time using them.

That scene is a really interesting scene where we see that Jungle Hunter has been wounded. He's slinked off to some distant tree where he opens his wrist compartment and... there's a medical kit inside! He disinfects the wound and sews himself up, screaming in pain throughout the entire process. I don't know why I liked this scene so much, but I did, and I think maybe it's just because it lets us further study the Predator as both an individual and a species, and that's just something that gets my pseudo-intellectual rocks off? Who knows. I liked this scene.

The non-Predator characters are pretty much completely unlikeable. They're all generic beefcakes who shout things like "Faggot" and talk about getting "Pussy" all-too-frequently. Naturally the only two likable human males are the two who don't have much dialogue. You've got Dutch, the leader, who manages to be all-business with a sense of humor, which is a difficult balance to get. There's also Billy, the Native American tracker who, while fitting a stereotype, is really cool and probably my favorite character. Billy's tracking prowess is immense, probably bordering on superhuman.

There's also Anna, introduced because the creative team realized a movie full of cocks doesn't appeal to the adolescent male demographic. Anna plays a larger role in the film than most of the other characters, but she isn't particularly important and her inclusion is completely see through. It was nice to see her, but that's the only purpose she served, granted she did provide some reason to show off how Predators don't attack the unarmed. She leaves once her usefulness has run up so we can quickly get back to the strong men blowing things up.

As far as the plot goes, well, it's kind of basic. The strongest men in the world are lied to by the government (naturally), sent on what they believe is a rescue mission but is really a mission to steal documents, the significance of which are never revealed, only to end up on the wrong end of Jungle Hunter's triscope. There's actually a lot more to it than that, but that's really all that matters. There is a certain attention to Dutch after the other characters are slaughtered and he's tasked with taking out the Predator solo which adds an unusual layer of depth to such a banal plot, and of course the bits where we get to analyze the Predator creature, which helps to keep the viewer engaged and elevates this particular movie above the majority of similar sludge.

All in all, I came away really liking this movie. It isn't a great movie by any standards, but it is a good movie. Maybe I just like movies. Regardless, it's not a bad movie, and I'm going to give it a seven out of ten, though there were times for much of this review that I had wanted to give it an eight. Seven is good though, as it does have its fair share of flaws and, well, I hate inconsistent internal logic.

Hopefully you'll all get to see this review.

We all know how perfectionist the Predators are...

...And...

...

...Do you hear ticking?

Why Do We Even Have Consoles?

The past couple of days people have been complaining about the X-Box One with a series of legitimately complaints, because quite frankly, the X-Box One is going to suck. There's no way around that. The marketing decisions behind that machine are absolutely bonkers, and they're going to dig themselves the biggest, deepest grave I've ever seen a gaming company dig itself into. That aside, the whole ordeal has resurrected one of my age old complaints, dreams, and realizations, and that is: why the fuck do we even still have video game consoles?

A lot of people complain when I say this. They talk about "healthy competition" and, well, okay. I still don't need to buy a Disney brand DVD player to watch Tangled, and I don't need to buy a Warner brand CD player to listen to Linkin Park (People still listen to CDs, right? Linkin Park is still licensed to Warner, right? Linkin Park is still relevant, right?) The competition argument just doesn't make much sense to me, and neither do the separation of our utilities.

We live in a time when we don't need video game consoles, not exclusive ones anyway. Hell, I'm amazed the home video market still exists with video game consoles being capable of playing videos of both the DVD and Blu-ray formats in addition to playing games in addition to having Internet browsers in addition to having a billion custom apps in addition to also handling music in addition to having a thousand output opportunities in addition to handling all of this media from a USB hard drive. But you know what else does that?

A computer.

Now, I'm not going to tote the computer "master race" bullshit, because I actually don't do a whole lot of computer gaming. Home computers simply haven't developed in a direction that pleases me, but that doesn't mean they can't, and they definitely should have. A long time ago. We're at a time when pretty much every family as a local Wi-Fi network, so there isn't any reason variously sized monitors (televisions) could be displayed around the home each one syncing with controllers, remotes, whatever.

But even taking a step backwards from that, let's look at a computer tower. Most of them can handle gaming, despite all the ubernerds bitching about the necessity of a high performance system. I have a pretty ratty set up, always have, and I've only ever had minimal issues with gaming. Nothing that's any worse than my dedicated consoles have given me. Progressive TV screens are already pretty much computer monitors, and it wouldn't be that difficult to include an RF input on the back of the tower for analogue televisions. This is something which can be done. Why isn't it possible for games manufacturers simply to release their games on DVDs and Blu-ray discs like everybody else, and allow those things to be played on the average PC?

Let me take a brief moment to explain that when I say "PC", I refer to all home computers (Macs, Windows, Linux, doesn't matter). I know this is probably wrong, and it might confuse some people. I've heard a few people use PC only in reference to Windows. Whatever. To me it means "Personal computer", and that's about it.

Some people complain about "Oh, well, but the ingenuity! The consoles with their controllers and their motion controls! How would the Wii work?" and to that I say: USB peripherals. Is it so hard to imagine plugging the motion sensing bar into a USB port? Controllers, too? Or maybe just a type of wireless receiver which accepts the commands of various controllers? This isn't rocket science, and this isn't difficult to figure out. Would it hold games back? No, absolutely not.

If anything it would keep them relevant, and that's part of the real problem here, isn't it? If people retained the ability to play old games, publishers would lose the ability to repackage them. That's what the real reason for the removal of the GBA slot on DS systems is. Kind of weird how that happened right alongside the launch of the handheld WiiWare market, which was closely followed by the handheld Virtual Console, isn't it? Same deal with the recent Wii models and the Wii U not being able to handle GCN games. Expect a GameCube Virtual Console soon.

All the hubbub about the lack of backwards compatibility on the X-Box One? Sony tried it with the PS3? It's all to force people to rebuy games they already had. These corporate overlords don't want people being able to use the same copy of a game generation after generation. They want to repackage the same thing instead of innovating. This is a major issue.

All it would take is one operating system dedicated to keeping formats playable and simply adding new formats alongside the old ones. This is something PC developers haven't quite figured out yet, either that or they pull the same bullshit the game corporations do. I can't play my old copy of Sonic R for some reason, because my computer is advanced beyond Windows XP. That's not right. It's also talk for another post.

What I'm really getting at here is this: we, as the consumers, shouldn't have to put up with these "dedicated" machines when we could have easy and unlimited customization at our fingertips. We should no longer have to put up with having three billion devices plugged into our TVs and power strips and jacking up our electric bills. Technology is at a point where we can literally do with one device per television which is capable of handling all of the media. Hell, that device could even be the television.

Don't worry about your precious competition, though, because it's still going to exist in a number of forms. Who develops the best controller, who develops the best motion device, who develops the best games? Of course we already have an active competition between PC developers, so that part of it shouldn't be tough to imagine at all.

There's no reason for companies to insist on all of this hardware any longer. The way I see it, people need a total of about four things, three if you imagine the TV as capable of containing the necessary computer components: a home media device, a handheld device, and possibly a dedicated eInk e-reader for people, such as myself, who can't stand reading on the harsh screens of the other devices. Unless, of course, they figure out how to incorporate eInk in with the other screen styles, in which case, rock on. The only other potential device I can imagine is some equivalent to the laptop.

Consoles? DVD players? Phones? Remnants of a bygone era. Reminders that we are all under the thumbs of people trying to halt progress, to halt freedom. But more than any of that political stuff, reminders that there are people who are just trying to ruin it for everyone, and we're all just trying to have a good time.

I think it's about time we started actually doing that.

No Promises

It's already half past midnight here, and I haven't gotten around to Brrda this week yet. I don't know if I'll be doing it tonight, he might be late tomorrow, he might not be here at all this week. To be frank, I'm tired, I'm angry, and I don't really feel much like writing fiction right now. I've been fighting with CreateSpace for a full day straight, finally think I got everything how it needs to be, and that's just taken an immense toll on me. Most people have it right, just baby steps and bit by bit. I don't do it like that. I wanted to know exactly how the hell this CreateSpace thing works, so I grabbed it and ran with it for twelve straight hours from nine PM to nina AM last night through this morning, slept from ten-fifteen AM to five PM (completely fucking over my sleep cycle, and man, is it hurting), and from the second I woke up until about an hour ago I did not eat, move, or any other such thing. I simply worked on figuring out how the whole system works.

On the one hand: now I know.

On the other: it has thrown me so out of whack with everything else.

I'm reacting rashly, my face seems to be stuck in a scowl, and I feel like a bomb. One feather more, and that's it, ka-boom!

So I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I have so much shit to do, so much getting backed up. But I'm just so tired. I don't know. We'll see.

But no promises.

Fire Flower and Ice Flower: Subspecies?

When I was a kid and a fledgling gamer I had four favorite video games: Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 2, Super Mario Bros. 3, and Super Mario World. In truth, I had a lot more (Chip 'n' Dale: Rescue Rangers, Tiny Toon Adventures, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (SNES), etc.), but these four Mario games were the ones I liked the most, because even as a child I could feel the origins of a mythology around them. These games presented a whole world of thoughts and ideas for me to explore, and the contradicting gimmicks and functions of the game environments provided a whole wealth of potential nuances even the designers might not have thought of. Of course, to a four year old there aren't any designers. The Mushroom Kingdom was as real to me as the dining room or the kitchen, and I studied it as such.

One thing that always had my attention was the mysterious behavior of the Fire Flower. Even disregarding the age-old debate of whether or not Mario must consume them or just touch them (it differs depending on media!) and whether he throws the fireball or spits it (he throws it), there was always its bizarre behavior in the 8-Bit NES version of Super Mario Bros. 3. In Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World, and all instances in Super Mario All-Stars, the Fire Flower gave Mario a change of attire. His overalls and cap became white, his shirt either stayed or became red depending on the game. This has changed slightly over time, with the shirt and overall colors switching places, but it has generally been a constant pattern of white and red clothing.

And a sudden feeling of badassery.

Despite this theme, which has remained throughout all Super Mario series games (with the exception of Super Mario Land 2, which needed to get around a black and white color scheme) ever since the days of the SNES when it was solidified as 100% canon. However, there was something different about the effects of the Fire Flower in Super Mario Bros. 3, something which has stayed with me ever since my wee early years. This is something that I loved simply for the novelty of it when compared with the traditional fire suit. I've always made sure to include it in my fan game plans, my movie plans, any kind of plan involving a creative effort in the Mario universe has seen this detail included at some point.

What is it?

In Super Mario Bros. 3 the Fire Flower does not change Mario's outfit into the traditional, and now iconic, red and white fashion. Instead it changes Mario completely. His skin, his shirt, his hat, his overalls, even his shoes, they all change. They all take on a degree of orange pigment. Darker on his outmost layers, lighter at his inmost. Its as though this Fire Mario is a living embodiment of the blazing energy which runs through him.

For a long while, after I grew up enough to understand creative conventions like "retcon", I simply chalked it up to being a cool part of the creative development of Super Mario, and that's really all it is. And that's fine, because I still personally love that stuff. The evolution of a franchise and its conventions, it's all very fascinating for me (and I think that's probably a driving force behind the decisions I've made in regards to how I handle my own fiction). However, I also still love pretending these worlds are real. I love putting myself in the middle of the grassy hills and dissecting different flowers from different regions to see why this one has this effect or that one has that effect. That aspect, though, the imaginative one, it was largely lost to me for a number of years. More than ten, probably. Something, though, something brought it back. Something happened that made me remember my theories about this mysterious second-generation of Fire Flower.

This happened.

After two decades of fans everywhere thinking up knock-off flowers to coexist with the Fire Flower, and after two decades of the Ice Flower being at the top of that list, it finally happened. Out in the reaches of space Ice Flowers blossomed on distant planets. Grabbing them gave Mario similar abilities to those of the native Fire Flowers, though they enabled him to throw ice balls instead of fire balls. Their first appearance brought with them a change in form far more drastic than their burning brothers: they transformed Mario into a living ice sculpture, picture perfect to skate atop a set table at a fancy wedding.

You don't need to have been paying too much attention to see what this is similar to.

Any attention at all, really.

This was cool, I thought. I still do. It's a very dynamic transformation, really showing off that Mario is composed of ice. This Mario embodies every aspect of the frigid element and shows that he has complete mastery over it. Water hardens at his step, he skates across any surface like a pro. This was awesome. Awesome... and familiar. And one title later, it was going to get a whole lot more familiar. Eerily familiar. New Super Mario Bros. Wii brought back the Ice Flower, and showed the world that it had more in common with its predecessor than we had ever cared to realize...

That eye-shattering combination of colors up there is the suit worn by Mario in all other instances of the Ice Flower. No longer an abominable snowplumber, this Ice Mario can't skate across surfaces or freeze water. Instead he's nearly a carbon copy of the Fire Mario with a snowball-belching blue shirt and cap. While still a useful power up, it's nowhere near as stunning as it was in its original incarnation. Really, the decision to change the suit design was baffling, and it still is. While it does bring a better sense of unity to the franchise, it makes me wonder why they didn't do it originally.

And that wondering restarted the in-universe apologist within me.

It occurred to me then that there must be multiple species of elemental flower with similar properties, some more potent than others. While one branch of the Ice Flower family is powerful enough to turn Mario into a sculpted swan, another branch merely designates a change in clothes. The same is true of the Fire Flowers, with the Super Mario Bros. 3 form being very similar in aesthetic tone and intent to the Super Mario Galaxy Ice Flowers.

While I know this is all just developing stuff from one game to the next, and that none of it is really not intended to be coherent, I'd like to see them make it coherent. I'd like to see Nintendo incorporate both styles of elemental flower in one game. The weaker, now-traditional Ice Mario alongside the more stunning Galaxy version. I'd like to see the common Fire Mario blasting balls while the blazing orange one lights up enemies and environments at a touch.

I know it won't happen, though. Which is okay. Because the longer it doesn't, the longer I get to think about what other elemental flowers are out there waiting to be devoured. And ultimately, the imagination might just be a whole lot more fun to play with.

10 Bat-suits I Want to Be DLC

Talk of the town lately has been NetherRealm Studios' DC crossover fighting game Injustice: Gods Among Us for quite a while, and discussion hasn't slowed despite the game's release over a month ago, due in large part to the studios' reputation as a renowned dealer of DLC. They've been sure to keep the championship belt shiny with a number of bonus and downloadable alternate character skins and at least four announced additional characters, although it's rumored that more could be on the way. With no announcement of a ceasefire on the X-Box Marketplace, many have already assumed that we'll be seeing historic super costumes lining our virtual closets for at least the remaining summer months. While most people are wishing for iconic Batmen from their favorite story arcs, my tastes are a little more nineties...

I present to you, in no particular order, the top ten Bat-suits I want to miraculously find their way into Injustice: Gods Among Us.

1. Disaster Control Batman

I will unashamedly admit right off the bat (get it? ) that this list will be completely composed of gimmicky action figures from the Batman: The Animated Series toy line. Starting us off is a simple suit designed to prove once and for all that Batman is one of the good guys. Decked out in distinctive crossing guard fashion, Batman is ready and willing to serve and protect the innocent in the streets of Gotham.

2. Tri Wing Batman

Batman's Tri Wing suit isn't quite as elementally specific as his other costumes designed for deserts, oceans, or deep space, but it does have a distinctive Batfamily flair. Not too dissimilar to Nightwing's disco-era fashion sense, the Tri Wing costume probably won't strike fear into the hearts of Gotham's criminal underground, but it sure will look spiffy with the Bat's rhythmic combat techniques.

3. Cyber Gear Batman

I'm not quite sure what purpose Batman's Cyber Gear armor serves, but it sure looks damn cool. Of course, the costume's unique weaponry wouldn't be of any use in the Injustice battle arena, but it still looks pretty damn cool. With a distinctive neo-Egyptian motif, Cyber Gear Batman might not induce nightmares, but he enters the brawl with his own unique flavor of Cyber Fear.

4. Ground Assault Batman

Stylized like a piss poor MSPaint recolor, I didn't choose the Ground Assault Batman because of his coolness factor or because of his stark contrast to the traditional Batman suit. Nope. I'd like to see the Ground Assault suit simply because I feel it is an embodiment of every terrible tie-in toy idea from this era and all the eras before and after. This suit really does represent the worst that toy lines have to offer, and precisely what they have become famous for: clashing colors, nonsensical design scheme, and a total disregard for the character playing dress up.

5. High Wire Batman

High Wire Batman is both really cool looking and slightly symbolic. You see, Batman's fabled sidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, got his start as a high wire act for a Gotham City circus. This suit combines fable with a slick aesthetic which seems simply electric!

6. Land Strike Batman

I'd like to see the Land Strike Batman for a few different reasons. To start with, the black and orange costume scheme is reminiscent of Halloween, which is a pretty nice fit for the Batman persona. Secondly... it just looks pretty cool.

7. Lightning Strike Batman

I'm not sure if the Lightning Strike suit is designed to insulate Batman against electrically charged opponents or if its function is to give his punches a little juice, but the Flash-inspired lightning pattern look simply shocking over his midnight black uniform.

8. Tornado Batman

Tornado Batman is an avid storm watcher, or maybe he causes the storms? These toys and the commercials never were quite clear on what, exactly, the suits were for. One thing's for sure, though: this one reminds me an awful lot of a Mega Man Robot Master, and that's never a bat thing.

9. Torpedo Batman

Torpedo Batman hits the beach and rides out on his patented Bat-Jet Ski to meet the waves. This is Bat-suit in particular I'd like to see crashing on the shores of Injustice Lagoon, simply because of its pure contrast to the typical same-looking cape and cowl.

10. Neon Talking Super Street Batman

Actually not a toy, the Neon Talking Super Street Bat-suit made its debut in the final episode of Cartoon Network's Batman: The Brave and the Bold as a mockery of the very toy line I hold so dear. A bit of an exaggeration on just how awful and misplaced the actual toys were, this costume sports a stark contrast in the form of streaking flames and red armor. Designed to accompany the Neon Talking Super Street Bat-Luge, this suit would be nice to see for both the novelty and for the possible incorporation of the Bat-Luge's unique Jarvis-esque voice.

Those of you who have stuck around for this long (and let's face it, the article has been mostly pictures. If there was too much reading for you, well, why are you on the Internet?) are probably wondering why I would want to see all these batzarro costumes instead of, say, a Nolan-verse styled ballistics uniform, or the ever-popular Red Rain vampire Batman. The answer is simple. I want alternate costumes, not the same costume with a slightly different look. These toy costumes are a notable part of Batman's history, and their diversity would add some variety to Injustice as opposed to some of the more desirable Bat-suits, which will simply maintain the one-dimensional status quo. Maybe it's been my Super Smash Bros. upbringing, but when we get alternate suits, I want some really diverse alternate suits. Even if that means—no—especially if that means taking the concept of a character and twisting it on its head with a more contrary set of colors.

Curse of the Undead King: Chapter Three

Thousands of Years Ago

"This is not what I wanted." Richnua stared into the golden chalice, swashing its contents—red juice from tanative berry—from one edge to the next.

The Great One's grimace was as deep as his long face, which, while humanoid, was certainly quite long. He scoffed, casting a sharp gaze at his shackled servant. Spitting pink upon the slave's back before throwing down the chalice at his feet. "Fix it. Bring me what I asked for."

"My apologies, Master Richnua," the servant said with some sincerity, though his teether were clenched tight. "Right away, Master Richnua."

The slave grabbed the chalice and hustled off, trying to ignore the saliva dripping into his shorts. He stalked the corridors like a disgruntled boar, dodging large pink puddles and bumping shoulders with those foolish enough not to give him the right of way. Huffing and puffing, both with anger and with the effort of dragging the three-foot chalice. This was the daily routine for him, and his muscles had stopped aching long ago. Now his arms were as big around as watermelons.

He shoved a purple tapestry which hung from the ceiling. Steam burst out from behind it, as if to welcome him into the kitchen. It was his least favorite place to be, always so crowded and humid, even when compared to the tropical jungles of the Great Empire. Others like him, others who frequently wore the spit of their masters, others who were too small to be anything but slaves, busily dashed from room to room preparing every whim of the Great One's great guts.

The kitchen servants were wise to the slave's temper and cleared a path for him from one doorway to the next. They knew by the cup in his arms and the pink on his back what he needed. They nodded politely at him, but he nodded none in return. There was no surprise among them.

The outer air kissed his sweating biceps as he left the steamy kitchen. A calming breeze combed through his hair and wiped tenderly at his brow. He stopped and raised his chin, letting the golden handles slip from his fingers. The cup fell and a great cong rang out from its bowl, but the slave didn't care. He was too smitten with the embrace of the wind, too teased with the scent of fresh bloom. Too taunted by the idea of freedom.

"Mrrda. Hey, Mrrda!" A pleasant voice that brought him back to his miseries.

"Plt," the slave greeted, taking up the chalice once more. He hauled it across the grassy field to where his friend stood ankle deep in a tub of mixed and crushed berries. She stomped slow and easy, one foot after the other, squishing juice through the tubs bottom into a large collecting bowl below.

"Wrong juice again?" Plt gave him a knowing smile.

"As always. I guess he wanted blue tanative, not red." Mrrda propped himself by an elbow on the large cup, watching his lifelong friend with interest.

Plt was Mrrda's oldest friend, a fact he reflected on whenever he saw her. His oldest, he reminded himself, because the others had all been murdered.

"Well, I can't help you right now. I'll contaminate the juice here if I step out."

"I know," he said. "I'll wait."

***

Bone dust was scattered in the grass like an ancient snow. There was a whooshing noise as the particles became tornadoes, swirling around the pile of bones and slurping the chalky powder off the bent grass. The whirling winds trampled over the dull femurs and fingers, pushing the grains into the cracks where they came together as one. Up rose the skull, raining curious insects off its dome. They all fell away, with the exception of a stubborn centipede strung up on an eye socket.

One by one the bones drifted into the air. They floated quietly toward the skull, attaching where they fit best. It was not long before the Undead King was whole again. He glanced at the crater in his right shoulder, the missing bits of sternum and collar. They called to him faintly from the floor of the chopper and the threads of Tycoon's coat. They called over miles, begging for the return of the king, but the trail was lukewarm at best.

Mrrda growled, reaching for the saber with cracking fingers. It made a grinding noise as it slipped firmly between his ribs. The blade shimmered in the light of the newborn sun, as though begging for blood. Another growl, a promise, The saber would have its blood. It would drink of the blood of Brrda and sooner, the blood of Tycoon.

The grass crumpled beneath his feet as Mrrda marched, for the first time, away from the Secret Lands...

Film Review: Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

Law Abiding Citizen is a movie I heard a lot about when it first came out in October of 2009. I was told it was an amazing work of intelligent fiction. Something that would shake my moral fiber and make me question the system I was raised in. A film that would really truly and open my eyes to the world around me. Everybody who saw this film demanded that I had to watch it, and after four years of not listening to them (and three years of having it sit on my shelf thanks to the dirt cheap deals of a bankrupt Blockbuster), I finally popped it into the ol' 360.

Boy, was that not worth the hype!

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad movie by any means. It's actually a pretty good movie. It's just not the Earth-shattering masterpiece I'd been led to believe it would be. Really this isn't anything more than an action-crime movie where the super genius villain is actually given an opportunity to show off his super genius. It's kind of like Die Hard if Die Hard wasn't also dumb as nails. And while the film does attempt to create a sympathetic villain, all of that sympathy is quickly washed away when we learn how batshit insane he really is.

Most disappointing, I thought, about the movie was that it started, and went on for quite a while, with a lot of promise of at least being a good crime drama. There are a lot of cool ideas going into the film, and the acting is all really good. The characters, while not particularly likable, are all fairly distinguished. I have a lot of trouble with movies like this which incorporate large federal/official settings and characters. Especially when it comes to the overweight, old higher up characters who all kind of look, sound, and act the same. I didn't have that problem with this movie, I could recognize characters right away. Even the minor ones who only speak once but then show up in the background of later shots, I could recognize them. That's a testament to how well done the characters and acting was in this movie.

Unfortunately, the incredible premise and the amazing first two acts of the film are overshadowed by the absurdity and disappointment of the third act. The first two acts are all set up with a bit of action, but you can tell this is a movie that's building and building just for the climax. Just for that payoff. And then it doesn't payoff. Instead we discover that the villain spent ten years digging into every cell of the prison just in case he ended up in that one. Somehow he pulled this off without anybody noticing. You know, the officers never noticed, the warden never noticed, and the inmates living in those exact cells being dug into never noticed. We also learn that the guards never notice when the villain uses these tunnels to not-so-briefly escape prison life and resume occupation of various personas he's created to infiltrate the legal infrastructure.

While it's a cool idea and a wild fantasy, it's a little too wild for the world that was constructed around it. Up until that moment of madness this was a film about an intelligent man who had rigged everything prior to his incarceration and how he was still going to terrify the entire city from within his cell, simply because he had studied everyone and everything and had built timed mechanisms to make it all exactly so. The the movie tells us "No, that's not how it happens, nope. Here's something even more absurd". That really hurts the film. A lot.

Regardless, it's a really well-made piece of cinema. The camera work is all very crisp, and despite having a bit of that shakiness which has pervaded recent film endeavors, you're never at risk of motion sickness. There's an artistic flair to a number of shots throughout the film, and that really does add to the quality of the overall picture. While it might be easy to see through it all as trying a little too hard to be intellectual and groundbreaking, that's actually okay, because it does work most of the time and on a lot of levels.

To wrap it up, really, even though I was disappointed with the payoff and the third act there is a lot of good in this movie which can't be ignored. And to those who haven't already noticed it, this movie will point out the obvious flaws in our legal system (although I do note that the system it proposes is also a barbaric one and the system we have created was to get away from all that kind of nonsense where we routinely executed the wrong person, often an innocent person who was unrelated to the crime. Yeah). It's not an amazing movie, it's just a step above most action type films with the primary focus on an investigation as opposed to explosions (though there are plenty). It's a film that will engage you, and that's ultimately what sets it apart from a number of other movies in the genre. If you want to be engaged, and trust me, you do, you should give this one a look.

I'll go ahead and say eight out of ten, since it really is a cut above the rest. Just not a terribly large cut. But still a cut.