Monday, July 11, 2011

Can I Get A Size Ten?

Seriously, my toes are not candy canes.
I don't know if anybody else has noticed, but shoes have seemingly taken over Facebook. Everywhere you turn, somebody has been tagged in a picture by one of their friends, but is the picture of them? Nope, it's of a pair of sexy, cheetah-print heels. Naturally the offending account is one of your friends, who must have activated an app of some sort and handed over the keys to their account while they were at it.

Sims Lite: Now with 50% more identity theft!
The worst part is that the app seems to hide the shoes somewhere on your account, making it impossibly difficult to find the offending picture and remove it before all of your friends and close family remove you. And they will, because people have a much easier time cussing at you for supposedly being a spambot than for rationally thinking "well, maybe they clicked something stupid."

Unfortunately it looks like there isn't really a direct connection between registering for any apps and getting your account hijacked by Nike's cyberterrorism division. Shoes can show up in your photo albums seemingly at any time with no warning or interaction with any other apps, barging through the doors of your password to piss off your entire list of friends. The only consistent connection between being a living billboard for Reebok seems to be being tagged in one of your friend's pictures. When your innocent and somewhat curious mind thinks "What picture of me could Tommy have taken? We haven't hung out in years! We've hardly even spoken since he snatched up my daughter and ran off to Iraq." and you, you poor, misguided soul, you, happens to click on the notification and find yourself visually assaulted by a Japanese woman's tiny feet blistering inside a pair of aquamarine clogs, you may be putting yourself at risk for toe cramps. The only conclusion I've got is that the shoes are spreading like some kind of crazy disease.

Stay away! I wear flops!
Luckily my rudimentary (that's elementary school for rude people) knowledge of web coding tells me that demonic shoe pictures isn't actually possible, at least not on the system Facebook has available to its users. So we should all be safe from platforms that we simply can't afford. Unless, of course, Facebook is in on the whole thing. Then we might as well all just move to Twitter.

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