Friday, July 22, 2011

Mario's Many Girlfriends

Mario seems to have built an identity as the Mickey Mouse of video games. Clean, brave, and noble, Mario treats all beings equally and always succeeds at presenting the moral standard. But deep in his closet, Italy's digital pioneer is hiding more than a few skeletons... or should we say brassieres?

Most everyone is pretty familiar with Mario's public sweetheart, Princess Peach, but they don't always know about the dames he's left behind to get to where he's at today. Mario's popped quite a few mushrooms in his day, and not all of them happened before he met the lovely Miss Toadstool. Today we're going to take a look at some of Mario's misfortunate madams and where they're at now!


Back in the days when Nintendo was merely a developer trying to make some quick cash on that recent "vidia gamez fad," Mario was still a humble carpenter and plumber working on construction projects and trying to live his life the way most stereotypical New York Italians do... hussy at a time.
We're not sure at what point Mario met this "Pauline" character, but we do know that apes absolutely adore her. The original Donkey Kong, now the crotchety old timer we know as Cranky, was the first of Mario's enemies and the originator of the plumber's profession of "Princess Rescuing," despite Pauline not actually being one.

Pauline continued to support Mario through a few cheesy cartoons and even joined him in Nintendo's Pinball on the NES. She wouldn't be mentioned for many, many years. It wasn't until Mario hit a midlife crisis and invited her into the Mushroom Kingdom to play the role of damsel-in-distress for the Mario vs Donkey Kong series that the harlot would return to darken Nintendo's doorstep. Like in her original appearance, Pauline is somewhat of an ape charmer. In this series she is constantly at the mercy of a love enraged Donkey Kong III, who seems to have completely forgotten about his engagement to Candy. Despite the wild antics of the modern generation Donkey Kong, Pauline usually finds his motives to be sweet, and the result seems to hint at a possible relationship between the two, or at the least the beginnings of one.

And thus, AIDS swept through the Kingdom.


Daniella is the least known of Mario's dames. She's the second Brooklyn gal to fall into his arms, and there's a pretty good chance she and Pauline have shared a bed. Her only appearance was in the dreadful Super Mario Bros. film that tried to pretend that it was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Of all the woman Mario's had to rescue, Daniella is the least developed, being nothing more than a typical Brooklyn babe with a pair of overly expressive Koopa shells.

This one might be the only actual skeleton in Mario's closet.

Princess Daisy

After hooking up with Princess Peach, Mario took a stroll to the neighboring kingdom, an arid desert country known as Sarasaland. While there he foiled the plans of the evil space invader, Tatanga, and rescued the kingdom's princess: Daisy.

Their meeting was even more hush-hush than Mario's brief stint with Pauline, and Daisy disappeared after just one gray appearance in Super Mario Land. What happened between the two has never really been disclosed, but after being saved by a giant, purple alien, we're betting that "innocent" kiss wasn't the stache master's only reward.

Unlike Daniella, Daisy has returned to many titles in the Mario series, becoming one of the more prominent characters in the spin-offs. In fact, she's appeared in so many spin-off titles that she has nearly adopted her tennis uniform as her main outfit, over the classical ballgown she used to wear.

Daisy is energetic by nature, and she has more than a hint of tomboy in her. Despite her adventurous and bold attitude, she knows how to get the men to do her bidding, and she even manipulated the Millennium Star in Mario Party 3 using her womanly wiles. Though this charm was originally far more innocent, we've now seen that Daisy is more than just a bit of a tease.

Despite her fling with Mario, Daisy and Peach seem to be the best of friends, and often make public appearances together. They work well as a team, and even seem to share some of the same abilities. Daisy has also been seen with Luigi, acting a little more friendly with he than most others. While Mario has managed to bury the past and stick with just one princess, Luigi is still cleaning up his sloppy seconds.

But I don't think he minds.

Princess Peach

Ah, Princess Peach. This girl's got such a fanbase, I doubt this portion is even necessary. Still, I must do all of Mario's lady friends injustice. Princess Peach has been Mario's longest running relationship, having lasted almost thirty years, despite the plumbers adventurous pipes in the early phases of the relationship. Something about this Princess just keeps Mario (and almost all male gamers) shootin' his fireballs, and it doesn't look like he's giving it up.

And that's not a problem!
Of all of Mario's mistresses, Princess Peach is the most capable. Despite being the girliest and most pampered of them all, she has continuously proven to be a skilled cleric and mage, and all around combatant. She's assisted Mario in two RPGs, went several rounds with Wart, and regularly beats the shit out of Nintendo's other all-stars in Super Smash Bros.. On top of all this, Peach has also been the star of her own title, Super Princess Peach, where she rescued Mario, Luigi, and Toad from Bowser with the aid of a talking umbrella. Even as baby Princess Peach was showing off her zest, helping the many Yoshis rescue the babies kidnapped by Kamek. Shown to be one of the Seven Star Children (which Daisy was not, which makes her the only "baby" character to not be a Star Child), Peach is predestined to be intertwined in Mario's future endeavors for a long time to come.

My castle!

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