Friday, January 13, 2012

5 Non-Video Game Characters I'd Like to See in Smash Bros.

If you spend any amount of time on my blog, you should have absolutely no trouble understanding exactly what Super Smash Bros. is and that I am inappropriately in love with everything about the damn franchise. Well, except for that random tripping nonsense they tried to shove at us in Brawl. And the randomly backfiring items. And some of the awful stages. I loved the Emissary though! Loved it!

Anyways, since some of you live under a rock (or Yertle the Turtle, I'm not judging), Smash Bros. is a video game franchise that pits Nintendo all-stars such as Mario, Donkey Kong, and Pikachu against one another in mortal combat. With occasional guest appearances by Sonic the Hedgehog, and some bloke in who doesn't shave - I mean - Solid Snake.

"Thought you were talkin' about me, Bub."
Typically when I create pathetic little fanlists of who exactly I want to see punching Yoshi in the face (that's a lie, I main Yoshi) I try to keep a few rules. The characters must have appeared on a Nintendo console (although usually I try to keep them Nintendo owned as well), the characters must have originated in a video game, and the character must not annoy the piss out of me. However, like all terrible, awful fans, I sometimes like to think "What if Naruto somehow ended up in Smash Bros.? Man, that'd be cool." And when that happens, you get things like this, because I do not feel like cluttering my Fantasy Smash Bros. set with this nonsense.

So I present, in no particular order, five characters I'd personally like to see in Smash Bros. that were born outside of video games.

1. Captain N

Kind of a given once you think about it. Captain N: the Game Master was a DIC cartoon in the late 80's and early 90's that detailed the adventures of Kevin Keene, otherwise known as Captain N, as he journeyed through Videoland at the side of the high-haired Princess Lana. Joining him were known characters such as Simon Belmont, Mega Man, and even an identity confused Pit. The ragtag team hopscotched from one classic video game universe to another, meeting up with Link and Zelda, Bayou Billy, and Donkey Kong along the way.

Basically this was the video game Super Friends.
Armed with his trusty Zapper lightgun, Captain N battled the forced of evil led by none other than Mother Brain, the most vile of all retro villains. Oddly, Captain N never encountered the Mario Bros. or their nemesis, King Koopa, although as mentioned above, he did cross paths with Donkey Kong. 

I must say, that shower cap is quite dashing.
Poor artwork aside, Captain N: The Game Master was basically Captain N: The Really Long Commercial That Demands You Buy An NES to Understand. Not only did this show insist that you have an NES, but it dropped in a dash of nearly every major title on it. Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Punch-Out!, Mega Man, even Duck Hunt. In one sense Captain N was Smash Bros: The Animation before there even was a Super Smash Bros..

Captain N, cheesy as he was, was a great celebration of all Nintendonerds everywhere. Almost all of Nintendo's big guns got a chance to shine in some animated spotlight, making sure that everybody had at least one episode they could watch. The Captain is a cherished and treasured part of Nintendo's animated history, so it only makes sense that he should appear in the greatest celebration of Nintendo's overall history. I mean, if ROB gets to be in to represent Nintendo's unfortunate history with add-on technology, then Captain N should have at least a little chance to represent Nintendo's cinematic history. A history which has been almost as important as their video games since the very beginning.

Plus with twenty years between now and the end of Captain N (holy crap, I'm getting old), there's a lot of room to reimagine the characters in a more modern, Smashing way. Just look at what they did with Mach Rider.

Cheesy 80's costume, prepare to be badassed.
Not only could they make him look cooler, but Captain N has some incredible moveset potential. Especially when it comes to appeasing N-Fans. His standard attack, obviously, would be the Zapper, the original Nintendo lightgun. Captain N could also utilize other NES-era add-ons such as the Power Glove. His Zapper has the additional ability to fire ice-Tetris blocks, and he wears the almighty Power Pad (an NES controller) on his belt which can stop time, allow him to jump great distances, and make him move at super speeds.

Being the only semi-plausable character on this list, it's my hope that Captain N will be showing up in a Smash Bros. title sometime soon, with Princess Lana showing up to lend a hand.

2. Dexter, Boy Genius

Younger readers are going to bitch and whine about how the "Boy Genius" title belongs to a chestnut headed oaf named Jimmy Neutron, but I'm going to have to give them a swift back hand and a stern, disapproving look because the original boy genius has always been Dexter. 

"This "Jimmy"... Is he related to Mandark?"
Originally I was going to give this spot to one of the Powerpuff Girls, but I just couldn't choose which one, and making them some kind of cooperative or tag character seemed degrading somehow. I also reasoned that Dexter seems to be Cartoon Network's Mario, showing up as the leader of the Cartoon Cartoons in all of their crossover events (he is the leader of the resistance in both FusionFall and Punch Time Explosion.)

Dexter uses his genius to better the world, acting as a savior and sometimes superhero wherever he may be needed, and whenever he can be arsed to get there. Not only has he managed to stop various alien races and rival super geniuses from enslaving the planet on numerous occassions, but he's also the only character with the ability to travel through multiple dimensions to unite the multiverse's greatest heroes.

Like in Punch Time Explosion, which I'm about to get to.
Like in Punch Time Explosion, which is, despite being a somewhat shallow, unfinished knock-off, the only Smash Bros. clone that managed to do it right. Or at least, almost right. It's heart was in the right place, it was just off the mark a little bit, and probably rushed on through by accountants. I hate accountants. Either way, it is the most notable Smash clone so far, and it did a pretty good job of delving into each show's individual histories to find out what makes them all likeable and unique.

Unfortunately they thought it was Cheese.
Because of his role in PTE, Dexter's movelist is largely already figured out. All that needs to be done is a bit of balancing and Smashifying to make him feel right at home alongside Ness and Jeff.

3. Mickey Mouse


Mickey Mouse is often considered the bane of everything positive and worth experiencing, even though he repeatedly proves that this reputation is absolute bullshit perpetuated by people too afraid of their own inner child to acknowledge anything different. On most days, however, I would not be so quick to add the Mouseketeer to my dream list of Smash all-stars. It is kind of true that once Disney is involved with anything, they rape everyone else who has any part in it.

However, as I quickly walked by my brother's bedroom I happened to catch a glimpse of two large white gloves bouncing across The Lake Shore. I had to do a double take, because for just that brief instant I thought that Mickey had somehow forced his way into Brawl, and that I just hadn't unlocked him yet. And neither had the rest of the world...

Fortunately for my sanity it turned out to be Mario, but the experience made me realize something: Mickey Mouse would look almost completely natural in this environment, with these characters, doing these things. Far more natural than almost every other possible cartoon character. And beyond that, he is the only cartoon character with an all-star status high enough to transcend the laws and expectations of everything in the known universe.

Exhibit A.
Even without stealing aspects of the King Mickey character portrayed in Kingdom Hearts, the Mouse has starred in way more than enough adventures to have a comprehensive and idnetifiable list of moves. How about borrowing a little from that Epic Mickey that was so widely talked about for so many years? Oh, and that was a Wii exclusive? How very delightful.

Not to mention that you could rumble through Mickey's House of Mouse. The cameo possibilities alone are enough to make me want this pipsqueak trading blows with Mario and friends ASAP.

4. Batman


Thought this list couldn't get anymore batshit insane? Well, I haven't gotten to number five yet. 

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