Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Life Hack: Hot Dogs With No Buns?

Everybody likes hot dogs. They might not admit it, but they like them. You like hot dogs, I like hot dogs, your secret half-sibling likes hot dogs, President Obama likes hot dogs, hell, even Galactus likes hot dogs. They're easy to make, they've got 100% of the unhealthy fatshit your brain insists it needs (it's a liar, by the way), and you can toss in some onions and green beans if you feel like pretending it's a balanced meal. What could go wrong?

You forgot to buy the rolls. That's what will go wrong. That's not even "could", that's "will". For a reason.

We've all been there. Famished after a hard day of playing Sonic Adventure, we crawl across our house to the stove and fire up the burner for something quick, something easy. Something already cooked and just needs to be reheated. Then we find out... there are no rolls. And who on Earth wants to eat a hot dog without rolls? That's like eating watermelon without machine-gun-spitting a few seeds at your sister. It just ain't right!

Most people, and myself until a week ago, bit the bullet and just grabbed a regular slice of bread, clumsily rolling it around the hot dog and cursing the bakery gods.

Like that.
It isn't pretty, and you don't want to risk putting it down for a second, but it will have to do. Unfortunately you will, more often than not, end up dealing with shit like this:

Not okay.
That bread just splits wide open. It wasn't meant to be rolled tight like that, and heaven forbid you want to use any ketchup, it'll soak right through the damn thing and you'll spend half-an-hour in the bathroom trying to wash tomato and vinegar off your wrists. Well, I'd had enough of this bullshit! I was going to figure something out, bakery gods be damned!

So I did. And now I'm about to teach you the secret of delicious, bready hot dogs when you've got no hot dog bread around. It's so simple I can't believe it never occurred to me sooner! Once you learn this magical technique to hot dog eating, you'll never go back to make-shift rolls again. I promise. I also promise that you'll smack yourself in the forehead four dozen times for never thinking about doing this sooner.

First get your hot dog of choice. I prefer the expensive all-beef kind which call themselves "Franks" and think they're something special. Though, to be frank, they really are. I've never spent the rest of my afternoon knelt before a toilet learning how many cockroaches they can stuff into one roll and still call it "people food" with these pricier dogs. Those sickly pink puppies that cost a buck a pack, though? Yeah, don't touch those.

Anyways, back on task, you've got yourself one mean lookin' dog there. I think it was probably a pit bull. Now comes the part you've probably never thought of: I want you to cut that dog in half. Not the traditional way, don't cut it right down so you get two dogs. I want you to cut this bad boy the long way, so you've got two dogs with a flat side each.

There, that's good. Now we need the bread. You're going to need two slices of your favorite kind of bread. Today all we had was white, though I prefer wheat. But meh. Lay your dogs across one slice of bread with the flat sides touching the bread. It should look kind of like a bacon sandwich minus the eggs.

Once you've got them all set and ready to bed, dump on your favorite condiments. Ketchup, mustard, relish, it all works. You can even chop down some onions and sprinkle them over the whole thing.

I actually don't usually like ketchup on my dogs, but I took one for the team.
All condimented? Good. Slap that second slice of bread right over the first one. You've now got yourself a sweet ass hot dog sandwich, and it won't roll away. Flip the bird to makeshift bread buns and enjoy never sweating having rolls for the rest of your life. Bon appetit!

Disclaimer: I know I said never to worry about rolls again, but if you still have rolls after the hot dog is consumed, and the rolls happen to be located down the side of your body like mine are, you should probably still worry about them and maybe not eat hot dogs for a few months. Try salad instead.

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