Thursday, April 14, 2011

An Unfortunate Man Uses A Public Bathroom

Ugh
I hate using these
They’re always so dark and dirty
But I’ve really gotta go
I knew I should’a gone before we left
Now I look like some jerk
No, it’ll be fine
People use these all the time
This one isn’t too bad
Actually, the lighting is nice
And the tiles are clean
And…
Holy crap!
That goatee is longer than my arm!
And those eyebrows!
Those horrible, horrible-
No
Just look away
Oh god, he’s gonna kill me
Keep looking forward
Keep looking forward
Oh man
Why did that tile feel so sticky?
That shouldn’t be sticky
What if someone vomited?
What if I just stepped in piss?
Just don’t think about it
It was some soap
Yeah
Just some soap
What if my foot smells like piss?
Nope!
No.
Just go in the stall
Everything will be better in the stall
Not that stall
I’ll just hang my coat here
What if there’s gum here?
That’s so gross
Who would do that?
Alright, now we’re ready to-
Aw man
Someone’s in that stall
Why do they have to be there now?
Awwwww Maaaaannnnnn
I hope they’re almost done
They just sat down
What if they’re waiting for me to finish?
What if we’re stuck here forever, waiting?
I’m gonna die here!
His pants aren’t pushed down very far.
Are mine too far?
Does he think it’s weird how far down they are?
Is it weird?
No
What’s weird is thinking about it
Why would I even do that?
Ugh, he’s blowing his nose
How can you blow your nose on the toilet?
Whatever
Maybe if I just look away I can forget he’s there
Hm hm hmmmmm
La laa…
Lookin’ over here
I wonder how handicap people use the bars
Do they need to hold themselves on the toilet?
Does it make me a bad person for coming in here?
What if a handicap guy has to crap?
Does autism count as a bathroom handicap?
What’s that noise
Is someone gonna kill me?
Oh
Silly me
Just the lights
Oh crap
That noise totally came from me
The dude there is gonna be disturbed
He’ll think I’m weird
No, this is the bathroom
Those noises are allowed
Is burping allowed?
He’s shuffling his feet
He thinks I’m weird
Oh man
What if the smell sticks to me?
Everyone’s gonna think I’m gross
I should shower when I get home
I bet there’s a hot girl out there
One from school
She’ll tell everyone I’m gross
I have to make sure I don’t stink
Hope nobody needs this paper later
Two rolls outta do it
Woah!
Why did that flush?
I wasn’t done!
It did it again!
Oh no
I broke the flusher
They’re gnna arrest me
Oh man
Oh man
How does this thing work anyways
That little light?
How does it know?
Is it a camera?
Maybe it goes to a room where they push a flush button
Creepy button guy
I think I’m done here
….
So now it won’t flush?
I’ll just stick my hand over that for a minute
There we go!
Okay, gotta go now
Finally outta here
Just gotta wash my hands
Oh boy! Foam soap!
A couple extra squirts won’t hurt
Ha, it’s a mountain
Quick rinse
Not that quick
Who sets these timers?
Who can wash their hands that fast?
Whatever
No paper towels
No problem
Just wipe off my pants
All good
The nightmare is over
Oh, hey, it’s Chloe!
She smiles
She’s coming over
Wait
Now she’s frowning.
“What’s that smell?”

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