Friday, August 3, 2012

Wario is God (of the Nintendo Characters)

Hear me out on this one: Wario is God. That's right. Snot-finger is the supreme overlord, creator and guardian of every event in the Nintendo universe. Possibly every video game ever. And if not all of them, he's at least the omnipotent force behind some of the older titles (which actually would go a tremendously long way to clearing up some of those Donkey Kong inconsistencies I talked about earlier.)

So here's the deal: Donkey Kong the arcade game is playable, by Donkey Kong, in Donkey Kong 64. In fact, it's required that DK play this old arcade cabinet to get himself one of the golden bananas he's after. But wait a minute... if in the Nintendo Universe the events of Donkey Kong actually happened, how can Donkey Kong play that exact game? It shouldn't be a video game for Donkey Kong, it should be real life. A memory or something.

Well, you see. Donkey Kong for the NES/Arcade never happened. Neither did anything that you can play in Animal Crossing. What am I talking about? Why, I'm talking about how obvious this all is, of course! You see, all of these games were created by someone else who exists in the Nintendo Universe. Someone with an entrepreneurial mind. Someone who abandoned his old (and honestly, glorious) ways to open a video game factory and become one of the most successful men on the planet.

I'm talking about Wario (and if you didn't know that... you know... reading comprehension powers go!)

Wario opened WarioWare Inc. at some point because he decided "Damn, video games make money!" Yeah, we all know this, it's when he started sucking. But wait, wait. I mean, I hate how Nintendo is pushing this new farting garlic Wario biker shit just as much as anyone else, but it clears up so many things that didn't make sense about the Nintendo Universe. Like: Is Donkey Kong the same Kong from the original game, or is he Donkey Kong JR all grown up, or is he actually the original Donkey Kong's grandson? At what point does the first Legend of Zelda take place, and why is it so different from everything else? In the first Super Mario Bros. why is Princess Peach a redhead?

None of these questions need answers because none of them are real. I don't mean "Hey, they're video games, so they aren't real." I mean "Hey, they're video games within video games so they aren't video game real." And by this I mean: Wario designed and developed all of the old NES games. Donkey Kong through Kirby were all made at WarioWare Inc. Arguably they could be video game interpretations of real events, but that just reintroduces a whole ton of which Kong is which which (witch which is which) that Wario already proved didn't matter.

Thanks Wario!

If you take the idea further, the entire Nintendo Universe could exist as video games developed at WarioWare Inc., including the WarioWare titles themselves. And beyond that, every video game ever developed could be the result of WarioWare Inc. Think about that for a bit. Every video game ever was made because of Wario.

Huh.

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