Monday, December 10, 2012

"About Abbott" by Lou Costello

BUD ABBOTT
A lot of people think Abbott is a jerk. I'm one of them. I've known him for years and years.... without time off for good behavior. He's the closest friend I have. In fact, I don't know anyone so stingy! I'm just joking. Actually Abbott would give you the shirt off his back. Provided, of course, you were the laundry man.

Does this begin to sound as though I don't like Abbott? It does? Good, then I won't have to start over again. Seriously, though, we're great pals. Why compared to us, Damon and Pythias had a mere nodding acquaintance. We've been together so long that I feel better equipped than even Abbott himself to write his life story. Besides, I can spell.

You've got to give Abbott a lot of credit. You really do. Nobody else would lend him a dime. What I mean is look at the big shot he is today. And he came from a very poor family! Gosh, were they poor! But what else could you expect with a crook like Abbott in the house? Yes, Sir, I'll take my hat off to Abbott, but I refuse to let it out of my sight.

I suppose you'd like to know how Abbott started his career. So would the F. B. I. All I know is that he claims to be a self-made man. Maybe he is, but frankly I think he should try again. He's bound to improve with practice. He's always bragging about starting at the bottom, but what's so hot about that? So does athlete's foot.

Abbott likes to boast that he drives the nicest car in town. Be careful. Don't leave your keys in the ignition. However, the automobile he has now is really a beauty. That's one thing you can't take away from him. But the finance company will the first of the month.

Abbott's always beating his gums about what a great physical specimen he is. I wish I had a body like his! The first thing I'd do would be take a shower. Maybe he has got a lot of muscles. But why doesn't he wear them? Last winter he went to Florida for his health. He couldn't find it. It must have been in some other state. I'll never forget the time I went to the gym with him. At closing time the porter tried to tuck Abbott away with the Indian clubs. For years he had me believing that he had played in a big Army-Navy game, all right. But it wasn't football! It was a poker game with two sergeants and a sailor!

People wonder why I always let Abbott do the thinking. It's just that I figure he needs the practice. He's got a nice clear mind. He never gets it cluttered up with any ideas. Abbott says I'm stupid. Maybe I am. But when I look at him, I know I haven't got a monopoly.

I guess I shouldn't kick. Over the years I've had a lot of fun. But not with Abbott! One Saturday night he asked me out on a double date. It really was a double date! I had to pay for him, too! I would have left in a huff, except that a taxi's faster.

Don't get me wrong. Actually I'm very fond of Abbott. Why I have him over to my house every single night. I wish I could remember to close the windows.

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