Monday, December 10, 2012

"Concerning Costello" by Bud Abbott

Concerning Costello
Bud Abbott

When you write about Costello any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is not coincidental. It's preposterous! Even as a boy Costello was noted for having a very level head. It's still the flattest thing you ever saw! You've heard, of course, that he worked his way up from the bottom. But why did he go back down again? One thing I'll have to grant him is that he can really take a joke. He always takes my best joke, the thief!

Did you know that he was voted one of the world's ten best dressed men in 1923? The only trouble is that he's been wearing the same suit ever since. No, wait! That's not quite right. He did buy a new suit the other day. And it fits like a glove! Indeed, I think it would make a swell catcher's mitt.

Costello has a fine physique. I'm really not fooling about his build. You should see him in a bathing suit! That magnificent torso makes the lifeguards look sick! Not only does it make the lifeguards look sick.... everybody turns green! He's fortunate, too. He never gets sunburned. The sun doesn't stay out that long. Costello doesn't go swimming any longer, though. Not since the day the little boy begged his mother to buy him that nice beach ball.... the one that talked.

Incidentally, Costello's building himself a new home. However, he's having a little trouble getting materials ever since they doubled the guard at the lumber yard.

I suppose you all know that Costello is very sentimental. That's not the reason he kept the first dollar he ever made, though. He was just afraid to try and pass it. He has the reputation of being a very lavish tipper, and I must say that it is deserved. Why I remember distinctly the time that Costello tipped a guy fifteen cents for saving his life. Yowsuh, he doesn't care what he does with his money, just so he doesn't spend it.

Is Costello a coward? I wouldn't go so far as to say that. But he certainly doesn't have any surplus of courage. He thinks he's a great ladies' man. I'll admit he does have a lot of phone numbers. But you've got a new telephone directory, too, haven't you? Last year he tried to join a Lonely Hearts Club. He sent in his photo, but it was returned with a note of rejection. None of the Lonely Hearts were that lonely!

I do not mean to imply by any of this that Costello is dumber than an ox. However. He isn't any smarter. He's the only man I've ever heard grind gears when he thinks. Listen to this: he was out one night with a beautiful girl. She looked into his eyes and whispered, "Tell me all about yourself." "What do you think I am, a squealer?" snarled Costello. Then there was the occasion I asked him to come with me to a fire sale. He refused to go. Couldn't see the sense of buying a fire in the summer.

I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have insulted Costello. Poor little guy, he takes it to heart so. I remember the last time I was mean to him. It was pitiful. You should have seen his face. Boy, did he need a shave!

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