Tuesday, June 25, 2013

5 Kool Kongs Who Should Join the Brawl!

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) I talked about the five third-party characters that I'd most like to see tearing it up with Nintendo's finest, but now we're taking things back a notch into the Big N's stable of simian superstars. Kongo Jungle's simply krawling with kool kritters, and there's no shortage of demand for any one of them (even Kiddy's got his fans). However, as much as I'd love for every member of DK's long reaching family monkey around, there's really only five characters who deserve a chance at the Smash battle royale...

Note: As much as I love Diddy Kong Racing and its entire cast of characters, I'm going to assume they currently belong to RareWare and won't include them in this list. If I could, there'd be no Kongs.


5. Funky Kong


Donkey's funky brother is a fan favorite whose popularity has propelled him to participate in some surprising games in recent years. Despite being a pacifist, Funky seems to be a more than proficient combatant and exceptionally skilled with weaponry. He single-handedly created the Kong's crazy arsenal in Donkey Kong 64. This macho mechanic is also responsible for pretty much every piece of modern technology in the Northern Kremisphere, being able to fashion a hovercraft out of some splintered wood and an old tire that would put James Bond's gadgetry to shame. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he built all of DK's racing karts and tennis rackets.

Still, as popular as Funky is, I've never been a big fan. While I can think of plenty of ways to differentiate him from DK in terms of play (such as focusing his style around the gadgets he invents), I wouldn't be particularly excited about his inclusion. I wouldn't be disappointed by it, either, though. And as far as Kongs go, he's probably among the more deserving of the crew.


4. King K. Rool


So maybe I lied when I said they were all going to be primates, but the Kremling King is at least sapient. He's been missing in action for a while, being ousted by the vikings and tikis, but there's no doubt that this fierce Feraligatr is DK's most menacing match-up. Now, I know most of you will be thinking: "Number four? Four? Sir, your head is clearly up your crack if you think K. Rool shouldn't have the number one slot on this list! He's almost guaranteed to show up this time around." I'd like to say that I actually really want K. Rool to enter the fray, and he's personally number two on my little list of desires. However, I like to put the obvious ones a little sooner in the article, because how many posts do you want to read about the same characters again and again? Sure, maybe you're the kind of person who constantly needs ass-pats to confirm that, yes, your opinions are appreciated and shared with the community, so naturally you seek out articles which reaffirm your narrow taste and reflect your opinions back at you, hopefully with some more energetic rhetoric than you could hope to muster on your own.

I don't like writing those articles. I like to make people shrug, tilt their head to one side and say: "Huh". As much as I want K. K. Rool to rip up ol' K. B. Koopa, I want to show you guys a couple other really cool candidates, too.

And without further ado...


3. Lanky Kong

Lanky's a bit of a loner when it comes to the Kong Klan. Nobody's quite sure where he came from or how he got here, but we're all so glad he did! Being a bit of an absurdist character, I suppose one could say that Lanky Kong fulfills the role of a less-villainous Wario, although he's also managed to retain his class over the years. I think Lanky actually has a lot to bring the table that he hasn't been allowed to demonstrate, as his playable appearances have exclusively been the fantabulous Donkey Kong 64 and Donkey Kong Barrel Blast. His natural ability to stretch to any length could come in quite handy on the battlefield, and he also has a pocket full of impish circus tricks, including the unique talent of inflating himself like a balloon. Lanky can also switch things up by running around on his hands, which make him faster than when he tries to lope upright. Of course, it comes at the cost of occupying his arms. This clowny Kong hasn't really been given the proper opportunities to demonstrate his usefulness and his potential as a character, and that's a real shame. I think there's a lot of cool things that can be done with him, and I'd love to see that toyed with for the next Super Smash Bros..


2. Stanley the Bugman


I'm not quite sure if Stan here belongs on this post considering he originally appeared in Greenhouse, a Game & Watch system release, but his most important role has been as the protagversary of Donkey Kong (or Cranky Kong, but I think that's all hooey) in the black sheep sequel Donkey Kong 3. His trademark bug spray has already been utilized by Mr. Game & Watch in the Smash series, but there's probably quite a bit more than can be done with that particular gimmick. Not to mention the potential bug army he could unleash upon his foes (perhaps teaching DK the meaning of irony and tossing a beehive on the old ape's head). Supposedly Stanley here is actually one of Mario's cousins, presumably from a separate branch than the Warios, and he's been kind of terribly neglected for decades. Actually, his most recent appearance has been as a trophy in Super Smash Bros. Melee, which is sad. His primary color is already blue, so he should have probably been the third man for the New Super Mario Bros. franchise, not to mention the fact that he's just about the only Mario related character not to have been revived in a sports title at some point. Maybe it's time to bring this little guy back to his former glory... after all, he is one of the only actual Nintendo characters to be featured in a cartoon.


1. Dixie Kong
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I know I said that I like to get the obvious ones out of the way first, but Dixie Kong really is the most deserving of the number one spot. She's starred in two of her own adventures and supported the Kong family through eight others, not to mention her habit of shooting hoops with the Mario gang and her supporting role in a number of comics and cartoons, and Dixie is by far the most important Kong in the franchise aside from Donkey and Diddy. Combine that with her recent reveal for Tropical Freeze, and we've got a character who's got both a legacy and modern relevance. A lot of people would like to see her paired up with the dinky Kiddy Kong, and while I admit that might make for some pretty cool maneuvers, I'd much rather see ponytail pulling her own weight. She's more than capable of doing so, and there's no reason for her to continue carrying Kiddy in her shadow. Her build might be similar to Diddy's but Dixie is guaranteed to be a fighter unlike any other.

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