Mysteries of Modern Media: Bubbler the Octopus is Pure Evil

Diddy Kong Racing week! 

Prior to the events of Diddy Kong Racing four of Timber Island's greatest racers were brainwashed by the villainous space sorcerer Wizpig. After being brainwashed, these racers served as Wizpig's top lieutenants, guarding the pieces of the amulet which would unlock his fortress. At the end of the game the bosses can be seen celebrating their freedom by throwing a party with the main characters. Except for Bubbler the Octopus, who is absolutely nowhere to be seen. Why wouldn't he be celebrating his freedom with the other characters? He's not totally seabound, as we see him climbing on shore several times. Surely he could have crawled across the beach and into the next bit of water to join the festivities.

Party? No.

Or maybe there's more nefarious reasons for Bubbler's absence. Maybe, unlike Bluey, Tricky, and Smokey, Bubbler was never under Wizpig's mind control. Maybe, unlike those others, he was free the entire time. If you want to get all kinds of conspiracy about it, look at the names of the bosses. The three bosses who celebrate their freedom with the heroes (Tricky, Bluey, and Smokey) all end with a pleasant and childish "Ee" sound generated by the letter "Y." But Bubbler? He's got that hard "Er" going for him with the letter "R." Could that be because he isn't like the other bosses?

But that would be totally nuts. Who would believe that?

One of these things is not like the others... One of these things doesn't belong...

Mysteries of Modern Media: The Yellow Dinosaur

Diddy Kong Racing is known as one of the greatest kart racers ever created. Released on the N64 by the enigmatic RareWare, Diddy Kong Racing starred Donkey Kong's nimble nephew in the far superior spiritual successor to Mario Kart 64. Sharing traits with almost every other RareWare title of the N64 era, Diddy Kong Racing was full of wit, charm, and inexplicable oddities. The most obvious of these is a large, yellow tyrannosaurus rex which appears exclusively in the intro video racing Bumper the Badger on Fossil Canyon, the second track of the game.

No explanation was ever given for this character. No interviews, no in-game explanation, nothing in an instruction manual. It's almost like he shouldn't be there. Even more interesting is that while Fossil Canyon is an average racetrack, this appears to be some kind of boss race. Maybe it's a beta boss that was cut prior to the game's release? This is possible, considering the nature of Diddy Kong Racing, which I'm going to explain to you right now!

While Diddy Kong Racing is arguably the greatest racing game ever created, its sole purpose was as a marketing tool for RareWare's future titles. Diddy Kong was chosen to advertise both the SNES Donkey Kong Country trilogy and the upcoming Donkey Kong 64, Banjo appeared to advertise Banjo-Kazooie, and Conker the Squirrel appeared to advertise his games Conker's Pocket Tales and Conker's Quest, which later became the infamous Conker's Bad Fur Day.

What am I getting at here? Well, the first boss of the game rules over an area known as Dino Domain, which is where Fossil Canyon can be found. Just who is the boss? A triceratops who goes by the name of Tricky. Now, that should start ringing some bells for people familiar with Rare's history.

Arguably the worst part of Rare's history if you have no soul.

So could The Yellow Dinosaur have been intended as the actual leader of Dino Domain, but was axed to make way for yet more subliminal advertising? Were there plans to include a boss race for every single track in the game? It's unfortunate to admit, but the world will never know.

Fact of the Day: Meowth, Mewtwo, Pit, Peach, Bowser, and King Dedede - Premature Smashsters

Meowth, Mewtwo, Pit, Peach, Bowser, and King Dedede were all supposed to have appeared as playable characters in the original Super Smash Bros. title for the Nintendo 64. Unfortunately they were cut due to technical limitations.

Three of the characters--Mewtwo, Peach, and Bowser--managed to make the cut for Super Smash Bros. Melee, the second title in the series. King Dedede and Pit joined the roster for 2008's third entry to the series, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but Mewtwo was cut from the title for unknown reasons. Meowth is the only character planned to originally appear in Super Smash Bros. that did not occupy a playable role in later titles.

Meowth, that's ri-eh? Wha-what?

Don't feel too bad for the Kit Kat, though. Meowth has showed up in both Super Smash Bros. and Super Smash Bros. Brawl as a summon who can be called forth from a Poké Ball to attack enemy players. He also appears in Super Smash Bros. Melee as a collectible trophy.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

What kind of game do you think the original Super Smash Bros. would have been with the six cut characters? Especially when you consider how some of them were portrayed at the time. Do you think, considering the track record of the other five cut characters, that Meowth has a shot at showing up in the supposed fourth and fifth installments of the series?

Personally, I hope so. Just so I can shout "TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN" in conjunction with "FALCON PUNCH!"

The Secret History of Koopa the Quick

I'm sure you all know who the fastest guy in gaming is, right? Too fast for the naked eye? Rolls around at the speed of sound? Wears super cool speedy sneakers? You got it! I'm talking about Mario's friendly athletic rival, Koopa the Quick.

Koopa the Quick was first introduced, and seemingly resigned to, the fantabulous Super Mario 64 and its woniferous port Super Mario 64 DS (am I the only one who still prefers to call it Super Mario 64x4?). He showed up twice in the game, and was, astonishingly, the only Koopa Troopa featured at all in the game. Unless you're one of those blokes (or ladies... shall we call you bladies? Blakies? Blakes? She-blokes? Forget it, bloke no longer has gender connotations. Everyone's a bloke!) who considers the poor saps running around in the chapter of Quick's defeat to be some other nameless Koopa Troopa. I really don't feel like that's the case.

IN ANY INTENTIONALLY REPETITIVE CASE, Koopa the Quick appears in Bob-Omb Battlefield and near his personal training course on Tiny Huge Island. He's the self-proclaimed fastest Koopa in the world, and there really isn't any evidence to the contrary! When you first meet him you'll notice he's really damn big (like everything else on the N64) and probably crap yourself, knowing what Koopas do to Italian plumbers. However, Koopa the Quick doesn't seem to take much of an interest in crushing Mario's mustache. Instead he challenges you to a race in which he most assuredly cheats, but scolds you for doing so. If Mario wins Koopa the Quick will peacefully hand over the treasured Power Star for that chapter, and everyone goes about their day as though they didn't just book it through a warzone where the combatants are born-to-die suicide bombers (oh, there's a blog for another day. The Mushroom Kingdom's natural terrorists.)

Run, Bombette, run! He wants his virgins!

In the chapters following your footraces with Koopa the Quick, a much smaller Koopa can be found in a specific location of the course, meandering around and minding his own business. Wouldn't a Koopa Troopa  who actually worked for Bowser attempt to blindly run off a cliff at Mario instead of totally book it in the opposite direction of the crazy little man in the red hat trying to jump on him? This implies that the Koopas featured in the stages aren't evil members of the Koopa Pack, but probably Koopa the Quick sulking over his defeat. At this point in the Mario mythos the plumber hasn't really encountered a decent Koopa (but don't worry, Paper Mario will happen soon), so he just assumes: "Turtle! Kill turtle!"

"But Koopa the Quick is way bigger than Mario when you race him..."

Yeah. But I mean, aren't there things in the Mario universe that have the specific purpose of making things larger? Hint: Yes. This would make Koopa the Quick's actual size the actual size of a Koopa Troopa. With no other distinguishing physical aspects, Koopa the Quick really is just another Koopa.

BUT WAIT. He may not have any distinguishing physical aspects, but Koopa the Quick has quite a personality. He's competitive, friendly, a fairly good sport, a fan of athletics, and a Koop-a his word. Those traits set him apart from the other characterless drones we've helped strip and stomp over the years. And that's not all. Koopa the Quick, as his name informs us, is the possessor of an ability unique among his species: he's quick. Koopa the Quick can zip around like Speedy Gonzales, and there's nothing he likes more than to prove it.

So just what am I getting at here? This is supposed to be Koopa the Quick's secret history, but so far all I've done is blab about stuff everybody with one of those oddly phallic N64 controllers would know about? I hope, whoever you are that said, you are not very well versed in your Mario. If you are, you should see where I'm going with this.

Here. This is where I'm going.

Koopa the Quick wasn't left to rot on old cartridges and failing DS card things. He's been with us all along, and he was probably with us before he gave himself a title. Without any defining characteristics and a name shared by his entire species (see: Yoshi, Birdo, Toad, Waddle Dee, Pikachu), it's easy to see how even the in-universe characters might not identify him as a particular Koopa. Especially considering the strained relationship between the Toads and essentially every other species living on the Mushroom Planet. It's understandable that they might just simply call all visually indistinct Koopas (especially the ones named "Koopa") either "Koopa" or "Koopa Troopa."

But maybe this is just a regular Koopa Troopa marching around the tennis court, baseball diamond, race track, soccer field--what's left? Oh right, I forgot the cricket field. That's possible. After all, Bowser probably wants to win pretty bad. He likes shiny things, and trophies are damn shiny. So he'd probably just pack the tournament full of his own guys, and snatch up the trophies later. That makes sense.

Or maybe the Koopa featured in the Mario Sports games have no problem with beating Bowser, because he isn't that Koopa's kind. Maybe this same Koopa who enters sporting events so frequently that he was already registered for Mario Kart 64 until Wario stole his kart is our good friend Koopa the Quick. Let's go over it again real quick.

Koopa the Quick is hyper-competitive and prides himself in his physical abilities, challenging random passerby to sporting and athletic events just to get his blood pumping. I would say somebody with that attitude, and Quick's determination to better himself (he runs on a tiny bridge with a sadistic cloud who wants to kill him every single day) would quickly rush to the registration booth. And quickly is what Koopa does best, as he is always, without fail, without having ever missed a beat, placed in the "Speed" class of characters. And he's running right up with the best of them in every single game.

Koopas tend not to be fast minus one. That's why they slide around in their shells. They just can't get faster on their feet. So it doesn't make sense for any old Koopa to be speedy, let alone speedy enough to be registered in the "Speed" class. So naturally, this sports-enthusiastic bird-turtle isn't just any old Koopa. He's Koopa the Quick.

Koopa the Quick, one of the most beloved characters of Super Mario 64. One of the most treasured heroes by fans. One of the most supposedly overlooked characters in Mario history. Axe that last one. One of the most under appreciated characters in Mario history. But if anything, one of the core cast, one of the dependable elite, one of the few who will come back again and again and never let you down. He'll just keep  fighting and fighting until he finally gets the recognition he deserves.

For that, Koopa the Quick, I commend you.

Koopa the Quick
Inducted into the Athletic Heroes Hall of Fame
November 5th, 2012 at 1:11 AM