Thoughts on Smash Tour

Smash Tour is the primary exclusive mode in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. It's the counterpart to Melee's Adventure Mode, Brawl's Subspace Emissary, and most certainly ... for 3DS' Smash Run, but it doesn't quite fill the same gameplay niche as any of those. Instead it operates as a sort of Mario Party equivalent, allowing players to run around three fairly small, fantasy-inspired boards while collecting characters, competing in various Smashes, and sabotaging each other's victory. Ultimately this culminates in a final battle where the fighters you've been collecting thoughout the round serve as your stocks (lives). Victory goes to whoever can complete this final Smash with the highest score. Sounds pretty cool right?

Too bad its held back by a plethora of bizarre creative decisions. Most people will cite the randomness of the mode as its biggest downfall, but that's actually only a small part of the problem. Smash Tour comes across doughey cinnamon bun with no icing: half-baked. That's really disheartening for something which is supposed to be the main draw of the game. Smash Tour and Event Matches really are the only things keeping SSBfWU from being a full-priced HD upscale of SSBf3DS. More attention should have been given to it on that basis alone. The sad thing is how easily Smash Tour could have been made great.

Right off the bat you have the maps, which don't represent any specific game world. Kind of a huge step back for a franchise built to celebrate Nintendo's IPs. I get that every iteration of the franchise has had some unique content, and that's fine. These generic Smash Bros. maps are cool as being just that. Would It really have hurt to include a few more boards, though? Even if we only got... let's say nine so they could be presented at twelve (that is, the number of characters in the original Super Smash Bros.). A Super Mario Bros. board, a Legend of Zelda board, Kirby and Pokemon, why not an F-Zero board? That would be neat.

The developers wouldn't even have needed to do that to make Smash Tour a worthwhile mode. All they had to do was look at the kinds of options they already have in the other modes and maybe look at what made the early Mario Party titles fun and successful. First off is the clarity. In Mario Party the spaces are large, larger than the characters walking on them. This helps players to identify at a glance what each space will do to them or to the board. Blue spaces will give them money, red spaces will take their money, green spaces will trigger an "event". In Smash Tour the spaces do things, they have symbols... but those symbols are far too small to discern. Players are expected to study the board while traveling, while all sorts of nonsense is happening around them. This is really difficult to do, even moreso because the spaces are constantly changing the effect they'll have on players and some spaces have a random effect on player's stats that can be either good or bad at the whim of the game. Something here needs to be changed. Either the spaces need to consistently perform the same function or they need to be easier to identify. How would I have done it? Well...

In Smash Tour the primary objective is to collect power-ups which will enhance your stats in battle. There are six categories each with their own identifying symbol and color: a green boot for speed, a yellow wing for jumping ability, an orange boxing glove for attack strength, a red comic book explosion for special attacks, a purple hammer for "arms" which (I think) enhances the weapons you use, and a blue shield for defense. These icons all float on the spaces of the board, making everything look really busy and cluttered. It probably would have been a better idea to just make the space's color reflect the stat it would enhance. Step on a red space? Get better special attack. This would have really cleaned up the board and made the play area much easier to take in. Character icons and trophies (which serve as items) could still float on their spaces as those are actual collectibles, but there's no reason for all these stat boosts to be hanging around.

The biggest pain in the neck when it comes to Smash Tour also happens to be one of the most fun aspects under the right conditions: enemy encounters. Nabbit, Ridley, Banzai Bill—all of these and more will sometimes walk onto the map. They each serve a different function and it can be fun adjusting your tactics to their appearance. The problem is, their appearance is completely random. Sometimes players can find themselves inundated with chance encounters, other times they'll go weeks without seeing that damn Metroid. This is a problem, and one the Mario Party franchise managed to avoid in its very first outing. All that had to be done was to include a color representing, instead of stats, an "event". Stepping on spaces of this color (let's use black) would trigger Metal Face somewhere on the map, would cause Kamek to change the checkpoint locations, etc. The specific event triggered could be random, but allowing players to know when one will be triggered and allowing them to actively have a go at this trigger would have made the game (and its associated Challenges...) a much more bearable experience.

Last, but not least, in this poorly planned playmode: the lack of customization and the extreme monotany of the mini-games included. I suppose these are two separate issues, but I feel like they tie into each other pretty well. Tackling customization first, Smash Tour should be subject to the same customization options available to the standard Smash mode. Players should be allowed to designate what items can appear in Smash matches, the frequency with which they appear, the stages which the game is allowed to randomly thrust players into, and the duration of each mini-game. As it stands now, mini-games have a very short time limit, which really hinders the experience. Smash Tour also features enough unique gameplay to have its own list of customizable functions. For starters, players should be permitted longer runs. Currently the maximum number of turns any single game can be played for is twenty-five. There is no reason this should not be able to go up through infinity (I can see drawing a limit at nine-hundred ninety-nine) with the players able to (in infinity games only) launch the final Smash at any point they choose. Players should also be able to designate what kind of mini-games can appear throughout the round, and what rules the final bout should follow. Should it be point-based as it currently is? Should it be all about collecting the most characters and see who's the last-man-standing in a stock match? Well, that should be up to the player.

Mini-games, as I've been calling them (although there's only three actual "games"), are triggered when one or more players bump into each other during a turn. This is fine. Awesome even. It's a really cool mechanic, and it works as a way to differentiate itself from the end-of-turn mini-game formula common of the genre. However, the mini-games offered are severely limited. Really, there's only three types: a Home-Run Contest where players compete to bat poor Sandbag the farthest, a single round of Target Blast where players compete for the highest score, and a handful of Special Smash battles that pretty much dominate the mini-game selection. The concept of using Special Smashes for mini-games is great, it's excellent... There's more they could have done with it (everyone is metal, everyone invisible, etc.), but the selection that exists now is generally fine. However, there should have been more non-Smash mini-games, particularly in a game which is full of that stuff already. Some of the Event Matches could have been adapted into great mini-games. Seeing which player can survive the longest while preventing a swarm of Mr. Game & Watches from boarding the Great Fox, competing to complete 10-Man Smash in the shortest time, battling hordes of minions (the likes of which were already programmed for Smash Run) for the highest score, Smash Run itself would have been an exceptional mini-game. On that note, it would have been a cool excuse to bring back the more creative levels of Super Smash Bros. Melee's Adventure Mode as footraces of some sort. There was that Mushroom Kingdom level, and the maze in the Temple of Time, that one level where you have to outrun the F-Zero racers? Those would have all made great mini-games for Smash Tour and would have been an excellent way to prevent the game from being flooded with pretty typical Smash matches. I mean, this is a distinct mode for a reason. It should feel like one. While I'm thinking about bringing back past elements, why not the boss battles? Even the Stage Bosses from SSB4 itself. Bring back the Petey Piranha battle from Brawl. Just... who can kill the boss first? That would have been awesome!

That's probably the best way to sum up my thoughts about Smash Tour. It could have been awesome.

5 Ways Nintendo Can Keep Improving

Early yesterday Nintendo aired the first Nintendo Direct of 2015, and what a glorious showing it was! We got release dates for a group of new products and games (Majora's Mask 3D and the New 3DS XL are hitting early next month in the US), got our first look at the upcoming DLC pack for Hyrule Warriors, were introduced to a few new games including the unexpected Fire Emblem 14, and most important, today marks the day Nintendo finally showed an interest in improving its business practices to the benefit of the consumer. That might sound like a statement contrary to the half-hour ode to slightly upgraded mid-gen handhelds and would-be Skylanders, but two key announcements show Nintendo's evolving interests. First and foremost, Nintendo announced the very first title to include cross-buy between its Wii U and 3DS releases: Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Tipping Stars. The two versions appear to be nearly identical games and even feature some form of level creator which can be used across both games. Hopefully this experiment will prove successful and Nintendo will take the hint; we could certainly use some of that cross-buy magic when it comes to Virtual Console. The other announcement of note: Nintendo is going to be releasing Wii games in the Wii U eShop starting about twelve hours ago with Super Mario Galaxy 2. Like Virtual Console titles, these Wiireleases are little more than game dumps being played in a compatibility mode. Unfortunately this means they won't be rid of waggle controls. On the other hand, all of the about ten first-party titles that worked with the Classic Controller are compatible with the Wii U Gamepad. These games can be launched right from the Wii U menu, presumably loading the Wii Mode in the background (something I've said they should do from the very beginning). They're all priced at a hefty twenty dollars, but that's honestly not such a bad deal for games which seem to be ageless.

With these announcements it honestly seems that Nintendo is finally implementing the sort of practices I've been ranting about since first getting hold of the Wii U almost a full year ago. Now that they're seemingly on track to Step One of Nathan DiYorio's Patented Save Nintendo System, it's time to start talking about Step Two.

1: GameCube Virtual Console

That's actually a little inaccurate. Much like the Wii games, the GameCube games wouldn't need a true virtual console; in fact, GameCube games can be played natively on the Wii U but the option to do so was intentionally locked away by the boys at Big N. Regardless, now that Wii games are making their way to the eShop, and Nintendo 64 releases are supposedly still on the menu, it's time to give us the complete package. The Wii U has the potential to be the Ultimate Nintendo Entertainment System, featuring the greatest technology the company has put out and a library of every title they've ever published. GameCube games are pretty much the only ones missing from this equation (not counting HD remakes like Wind Waker), and there's no reason for it. Getting them to run is as simple as putting the data onto the console, and more important: they fill the pricing niche between N64 ($10) and Wii ($20). I can't imagine paying twenty-dollars for a GCN game that hasn't been touched up, but fifteen? Yeah, for fifteen dollars I'll double-dip Super Mario Sunshine with off-TV play.

2: DS Games on 3DS

Now that Wii games have made their way to the Wii U's eShop, it's only natural that their mobile counterparts should do the same. The 3DS is already capable of playing Nintendo DS games right from the cart, so it's really only a small matter to have them launch internally. Unlike the Wii U, the 3DS has a leg-up on this front: there was never a slow-loading DS Mode. DS games and DSi Ware have been able to launch right from the 3DS dashboard since the platform's release. Give them a $10 price point (the DS is basically a portable Nintendo 64, after all) and let us at 'em!

3: Let the WiiWare Run Free!

So far all we've seen of this new Wii-in-the-eShop thing are disc games, and that's a crying shame. There's a plethora of fantastic games released through the Wii's own store. These titles—dubbed "WiiWare" to make them seem more special than their multiplat counterparts—are technically able to be launched from the Wii Mode menu, but who wants to do that? There really isn't a reason to keep them hidden like that, and even if we have to pay some kind of upgrade fee like with Virtual Console titles, it would be nice to finally have WiiWare right on the Wii U menu. Allowing these games to run with the Gamepad would be nice too.

4: Game Boy and Game Boy Color on Wii U

Do you remember the Super Game Boy? Chances are if you have the time to read so much about video games you found my blog you're too young to have ever touched the thing. It had successors on both the Nintendo 64 and the GameCube. The N64's version was severely limited, only able to play Pokémon games in conjunction with Pokémon Stadium, but the GCN iteration is often said to be the greatest way to enjoy a Game Boy game and it goes by the infamous moniker of the Game Boy Player. These devices brought little titles to the big screen in a good way, and featured a variety of tools such as improved color palettes and unique border themes. The themes themselves have seen a spiritual resurgence in the form of the 3DS' system themes. Allowing these titles to play on the Wii U through Virtual Console (with cross-buy, of course) would be marvelous. They've already played with this a little by including some Game Boy classics in the Masterpieces gallery in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U (ugh that title). Actually publishing them on a device that already handles their more advanced counterparts is the next logical step.

5: Show Us Third-Parties!

Nintendo has gotten pretty comfortable with Bandai Namco these past couple years—comfortable enough, in fact, to have them handle the bulk of SSB4's production. Despite this, Namco doesn't have a whole lot lined up for the House of M's main offering. While Sony and Microsoft are getting exclusives, Nintendo is largely left to deal in glitchy multiplat releases. Ms. Pac-Man is MIA from both of the Virtual Console stores, and Mr. Pac himself only has three oldschool releases. Soul Calibur hasn't seen a Nintendo console since the GameCube, and even though Tekken Tag Tournament 2 is best played on the Wii U its successor is not going to support the platform at all. This is startling from a company which seems to be on pretty good terms with Nintendo.

Okay, maybe Tekken 7 won't be on the Wii U because of hardware limitations. That's perfectly understandable... but I don't think that's a reason to overlook the Wii U in its entirety. Nintendo is a company that has thrived by reselling products to its most loyal consumers, and it's very clear that they're working to mix things up a bit by bringing everything under one roof. They're making a point of remaking the Zelda franchise, publishing old hits to the Virtual Console, and relaunching the Wii's star titles—it's time for third-parties to do the same. Obviously they can't be expected to do it on their own, but if Nintendo is really intent on proving that old titles are viable sources of income, and that their machine is worth owning, they should put more effort into helping their third-parties port titles. Even if a division needs to be created for the specific purpose of getting third-party titles up and running on the Wii U eShop, that should be done. No title that can run on platforms less powerful than the X-Box 360 (and even the majority of those titles) should not eventually make its way to the Wii U. Nintendo has set this precedent of making old games compatible with new technology, and they're charging full steam into that arena like they never have before. Throw more coal on that fire, boys! It's time to crest that hill.

Fact of the Day: Why the Ice Climbers Climb Ice

Ice Climber is a game for the NES released in 1984 made popular by the appearance of the protagonist and his sister, Popo and Nana, in the 2001 game Super Smash Bros. Melee. Ice Climber occupies one of the special societal ranks as a classic Nintendo arcade-style game, a position it shares with more well-known favorites Excitebike and Balloon Fight. While most gamers are now familiar with the heroes and mechanics of their gameplay, there are few who know exactly why the Ice Climbers are climbing a mountain decorated with colorful bits of vegetable.

There's actually a reason for this. Ice Climber, unusual for an early Nintendo game, actually has some semblance of a plot. You see, there is one iconic foe that battles the duo at the top of every mountain directly responsible for sending the Eskimo pair on their careless climb. Known only as The Condor, this avian adversary isn't just a savage beast, but an evil bandit who has stolen the Ice Climbers' crops.

The food and the bird might seem to be mere gameplay elements, but in reality they help convey one of the earliest stories in video game history.

Good on you, pal.

TIDBIT

Even though he's one of the most minor characters to ever play a role in a Nintendo game, even less recognized than his swimsuit clad minions, the Condor is one of my all-time favorite video game villains. There's just something appealing about his character design. All wicked and pointy and sinister, yet just a simple bird. If I could pick any retro villain to appear in another Super Smash Bros. title, Condor would soar right to the top.

Mysteries of Modern Media: The Super Evil Angry Sun

Mario's had a number of fantastic journeys throughout his thirty-one year career, but none have made quite the splash generated by Super Mario Bros. 3. This game is often hailed as the greatest video game of all time, and there's no question that it ranks up there. Creative sets, the largest arsenal the plumber has ever known, beautiful graphics, and flawless physics make this one of the most memorable gaming experiences ever. It helps that the game is just chock-full of secrets and bizarre oddities that would make hardcore realism...ists wet their pants.

Most notable? In the desert world there is at least one instance where Mario is traversing fairly flat terrain, trying to cross the sea of sand without succumbing to dehydration, when out of the blue the gigantic scowling sun swoops down to swat you out like a pesky little fly! This sun later appears in a really bad-ass black-and-white themed level, and has shown up from time to time in other Mario related games.

Dubbed "The Angry Sun," nobody is quite sure whether this is the celestial body which the Mushroom World orbits, or whether it's some kind of sun-like creature. Nintendo would later stick a haunting face on the moon and send it hurtling into the Zelda universe, so it's not entirely past them to make celestial bodies terrifying adversaries in one sense or another.

The problem arises when you discover that Mario can do away with this Angry Sun simply by bashing it with a Koopa shell. Granted, it returns after a few moments, so it never truly dies, but it does vanish for those few brief seconds. If this sun were in fact the sun for the entire Mushroom World, wouldn't Mario have plunged the planet into an absolute zero ice age? But when it falls, the stage doesn't even change from day to night.

It's possible for the Angry Sun to simply be a sun-like creature which inhabits the Mushroom World. This isn't particularly crazy as the planet is inhabited by literally dozens of star-descended beings, and suns are simply stars, so in a sense The Angry Sun is simply another star creature, like Star Spirits or the Starmen (I think those are alive... they have eyes...). To further support this theory is another living Sun Creature which appears in Paper Mario as the exclusive sun for Flower Fields, a garden kingdom which exists in the clouds.

What other possibilities are there? Perhaps the Mushroom World exists in a multi-sun star system. Perhaps the solar system where the Mushroom World exists has miniature sun satellites which act as gaseous heat-moons. Perhaps The Angry Sun was simply a magical entity created by Bowser to thwart Mario. Perhaps The Angry Sun is some kind of relative to Fry Guy (they do both shoot tiny fireballs [Angry Sun does this in Mario Kart DS]). Perhaps The Angry Sun is a being which inhabits only the Desert World, and is actually the cause for the arid environment.

All we really know is that Mario has battled the sun and won. And for that, we bury him under the many avalanches he has cast upon us all.

Stay cool, hot stuff.

My Biggest Wish for the Next Super Smash Bros.?

I've talked a lot about Super Smash Bros. in the past, even working on my own Fantasy Smash Project from time to time. In the good old days before every single forum on the internet was a breeding ground for Angry-Asshole Disorder, I used to join in on the Smash fandom by registering and participating in basically every Smash themed forum I could find. Those were good old days. A bunch of twelve-year-olds sitting around fantasizing about the most insane rosters they could imagine, debating whether or not a Paper Mario character would be insulting to the Revolution's graphics, drawing crappy little sprite edit stages and slapping a name over them. Oh, those days.

But here I am years later, still thinking about what would give me the greatest nerdgasm from a future Smash title, and I realize something: I don't need new characters, stages, or items. I don't need a lengthy adventure mode, beautifully reorchestrated music, or added multiplayer modes. These are all great things, and if they get skimpy with them I'll be quite sore, but there is one thing that I feel could advance the Smash franchise, or at least the experience, in so many ways. And with Namco working on the next release(s?) there's actually a decent chance of this showing up.

I want a color editor. I don't even want a full costume creator. All I want is a deep and well-thought-out color editor for the roster. The key factor would be to not have the editor remove the existing alternate color schemes, but to simply add a new one. Maybe you could use the shoulder buttons to scroll through the colors, R being for pre-set "official" colors, and L being for custom colors.

This is all I want to enhance my Smash experience. All I want is to change Mario from red to blue or brown or whatever possible color I want. Grab Soul Calibur's immense color array and shove it next to a Nintendo character. Give me free draw and paint bucket tools, and a "barrier" tool to determine where I want the color fill to stop, and I will be the happiest camper on the planet.

This would create the "deep, new experience" a lot of Smashers are craving, and that Nintendo seems to be clawing for. So I say let's do it. Give us the paint tool, Nintendo. It'll make us happy.

Mysteries of Modern Media: Bubbler the Octopus is Pure Evil

Diddy Kong Racing week! 

Prior to the events of Diddy Kong Racing four of Timber Island's greatest racers were brainwashed by the villainous space sorcerer Wizpig. After being brainwashed, these racers served as Wizpig's top lieutenants, guarding the pieces of the amulet which would unlock his fortress. At the end of the game the bosses can be seen celebrating their freedom by throwing a party with the main characters. Except for Bubbler the Octopus, who is absolutely nowhere to be seen. Why wouldn't he be celebrating his freedom with the other characters? He's not totally seabound, as we see him climbing on shore several times. Surely he could have crawled across the beach and into the next bit of water to join the festivities.

Party? No.

Or maybe there's more nefarious reasons for Bubbler's absence. Maybe, unlike Bluey, Tricky, and Smokey, Bubbler was never under Wizpig's mind control. Maybe, unlike those others, he was free the entire time. If you want to get all kinds of conspiracy about it, look at the names of the bosses. The three bosses who celebrate their freedom with the heroes (Tricky, Bluey, and Smokey) all end with a pleasant and childish "Ee" sound generated by the letter "Y." But Bubbler? He's got that hard "Er" going for him with the letter "R." Could that be because he isn't like the other bosses?

But that would be totally nuts. Who would believe that?

One of these things is not like the others... One of these things doesn't belong...

Mysteries of Modern Media: The Yellow Dinosaur

Diddy Kong Racing is known as one of the greatest kart racers ever created. Released on the N64 by the enigmatic RareWare, Diddy Kong Racing starred Donkey Kong's nimble nephew in the far superior spiritual successor to Mario Kart 64. Sharing traits with almost every other RareWare title of the N64 era, Diddy Kong Racing was full of wit, charm, and inexplicable oddities. The most obvious of these is a large, yellow tyrannosaurus rex which appears exclusively in the intro video racing Bumper the Badger on Fossil Canyon, the second track of the game.

No explanation was ever given for this character. No interviews, no in-game explanation, nothing in an instruction manual. It's almost like he shouldn't be there. Even more interesting is that while Fossil Canyon is an average racetrack, this appears to be some kind of boss race. Maybe it's a beta boss that was cut prior to the game's release? This is possible, considering the nature of Diddy Kong Racing, which I'm going to explain to you right now!

While Diddy Kong Racing is arguably the greatest racing game ever created, its sole purpose was as a marketing tool for RareWare's future titles. Diddy Kong was chosen to advertise both the SNES Donkey Kong Country trilogy and the upcoming Donkey Kong 64, Banjo appeared to advertise Banjo-Kazooie, and Conker the Squirrel appeared to advertise his games Conker's Pocket Tales and Conker's Quest, which later became the infamous Conker's Bad Fur Day.

What am I getting at here? Well, the first boss of the game rules over an area known as Dino Domain, which is where Fossil Canyon can be found. Just who is the boss? A triceratops who goes by the name of Tricky. Now, that should start ringing some bells for people familiar with Rare's history.

Arguably the worst part of Rare's history if you have no soul.

So could The Yellow Dinosaur have been intended as the actual leader of Dino Domain, but was axed to make way for yet more subliminal advertising? Were there plans to include a boss race for every single track in the game? It's unfortunate to admit, but the world will never know.

Mysteries of Modern Media: Who Cooks for the Pikmin?

The Pikmin franchise has been Nintendo's most successful "modern" franchise, and for good reason. It's creative, cute, and intuitive. But beneath that adorable bug-eyed exterior is a foreboding ominous feeling which pervades both the first game and its sequel, Pikmin 2. And while the first game may appear eerie at times, it's the second game that really dives into the grim realities of the Pikmin universe.

The main focus in Pikmin 2 is on treasure hunting. Protagonist Captain Olimar returns, added by new employee Louie, to find enough artifacts so the company he works for can clear its debt. What kind of treasures do Olimar and Louie dig up in this wacky adventure?

Duracell batteries...

Rubber duckies...

And donuts.

According to the game's producer, Shigeru Miyamoto, the planet on which the Pikmin live is actually a post-apocalyptic Earth where there are no longer any living humans. The animals on this version of Earth have evolved to utilize the artifacts and remnants left behind by human kind, meaning the planet hasn't been inhabited by humans for at least a few hundred years.

So the question is: if there aren't any people left on this planet, who, exactly, is making all those donuts?

Fact of the Day: Meowth, Mewtwo, Pit, Peach, Bowser, and King Dedede - Premature Smashsters

Meowth, Mewtwo, Pit, Peach, Bowser, and King Dedede were all supposed to have appeared as playable characters in the original Super Smash Bros. title for the Nintendo 64. Unfortunately they were cut due to technical limitations.

Three of the characters--Mewtwo, Peach, and Bowser--managed to make the cut for Super Smash Bros. Melee, the second title in the series. King Dedede and Pit joined the roster for 2008's third entry to the series, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but Mewtwo was cut from the title for unknown reasons. Meowth is the only character planned to originally appear in Super Smash Bros. that did not occupy a playable role in later titles.

Meowth, that's ri-eh? Wha-what?

Don't feel too bad for the Kit Kat, though. Meowth has showed up in both Super Smash Bros. and Super Smash Bros. Brawl as a summon who can be called forth from a Poké Ball to attack enemy players. He also appears in Super Smash Bros. Melee as a collectible trophy.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

What kind of game do you think the original Super Smash Bros. would have been with the six cut characters? Especially when you consider how some of them were portrayed at the time. Do you think, considering the track record of the other five cut characters, that Meowth has a shot at showing up in the supposed fourth and fifth installments of the series?

Personally, I hope so. Just so I can shout "TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN" in conjunction with "FALCON PUNCH!"

The Secret History of Koopa the Quick

I'm sure you all know who the fastest guy in gaming is, right? Too fast for the naked eye? Rolls around at the speed of sound? Wears super cool speedy sneakers? You got it! I'm talking about Mario's friendly athletic rival, Koopa the Quick.

Koopa the Quick was first introduced, and seemingly resigned to, the fantabulous Super Mario 64 and its woniferous port Super Mario 64 DS (am I the only one who still prefers to call it Super Mario 64x4?). He showed up twice in the game, and was, astonishingly, the only Koopa Troopa featured at all in the game. Unless you're one of those blokes (or ladies... shall we call you bladies? Blakies? Blakes? She-blokes? Forget it, bloke no longer has gender connotations. Everyone's a bloke!) who considers the poor saps running around in the chapter of Quick's defeat to be some other nameless Koopa Troopa. I really don't feel like that's the case.

IN ANY INTENTIONALLY REPETITIVE CASE, Koopa the Quick appears in Bob-Omb Battlefield and near his personal training course on Tiny Huge Island. He's the self-proclaimed fastest Koopa in the world, and there really isn't any evidence to the contrary! When you first meet him you'll notice he's really damn big (like everything else on the N64) and probably crap yourself, knowing what Koopas do to Italian plumbers. However, Koopa the Quick doesn't seem to take much of an interest in crushing Mario's mustache. Instead he challenges you to a race in which he most assuredly cheats, but scolds you for doing so. If Mario wins Koopa the Quick will peacefully hand over the treasured Power Star for that chapter, and everyone goes about their day as though they didn't just book it through a warzone where the combatants are born-to-die suicide bombers (oh, there's a blog for another day. The Mushroom Kingdom's natural terrorists.)

Run, Bombette, run! He wants his virgins!

In the chapters following your footraces with Koopa the Quick, a much smaller Koopa can be found in a specific location of the course, meandering around and minding his own business. Wouldn't a Koopa Troopa  who actually worked for Bowser attempt to blindly run off a cliff at Mario instead of totally book it in the opposite direction of the crazy little man in the red hat trying to jump on him? This implies that the Koopas featured in the stages aren't evil members of the Koopa Pack, but probably Koopa the Quick sulking over his defeat. At this point in the Mario mythos the plumber hasn't really encountered a decent Koopa (but don't worry, Paper Mario will happen soon), so he just assumes: "Turtle! Kill turtle!"

"But Koopa the Quick is way bigger than Mario when you race him..."

Yeah. But I mean, aren't there things in the Mario universe that have the specific purpose of making things larger? Hint: Yes. This would make Koopa the Quick's actual size the actual size of a Koopa Troopa. With no other distinguishing physical aspects, Koopa the Quick really is just another Koopa.

BUT WAIT. He may not have any distinguishing physical aspects, but Koopa the Quick has quite a personality. He's competitive, friendly, a fairly good sport, a fan of athletics, and a Koop-a his word. Those traits set him apart from the other characterless drones we've helped strip and stomp over the years. And that's not all. Koopa the Quick, as his name informs us, is the possessor of an ability unique among his species: he's quick. Koopa the Quick can zip around like Speedy Gonzales, and there's nothing he likes more than to prove it.

So just what am I getting at here? This is supposed to be Koopa the Quick's secret history, but so far all I've done is blab about stuff everybody with one of those oddly phallic N64 controllers would know about? I hope, whoever you are that said, you are not very well versed in your Mario. If you are, you should see where I'm going with this.

Here. This is where I'm going.

Koopa the Quick wasn't left to rot on old cartridges and failing DS card things. He's been with us all along, and he was probably with us before he gave himself a title. Without any defining characteristics and a name shared by his entire species (see: Yoshi, Birdo, Toad, Waddle Dee, Pikachu), it's easy to see how even the in-universe characters might not identify him as a particular Koopa. Especially considering the strained relationship between the Toads and essentially every other species living on the Mushroom Planet. It's understandable that they might just simply call all visually indistinct Koopas (especially the ones named "Koopa") either "Koopa" or "Koopa Troopa."

But maybe this is just a regular Koopa Troopa marching around the tennis court, baseball diamond, race track, soccer field--what's left? Oh right, I forgot the cricket field. That's possible. After all, Bowser probably wants to win pretty bad. He likes shiny things, and trophies are damn shiny. So he'd probably just pack the tournament full of his own guys, and snatch up the trophies later. That makes sense.

Or maybe the Koopa featured in the Mario Sports games have no problem with beating Bowser, because he isn't that Koopa's kind. Maybe this same Koopa who enters sporting events so frequently that he was already registered for Mario Kart 64 until Wario stole his kart is our good friend Koopa the Quick. Let's go over it again real quick.

Koopa the Quick is hyper-competitive and prides himself in his physical abilities, challenging random passerby to sporting and athletic events just to get his blood pumping. I would say somebody with that attitude, and Quick's determination to better himself (he runs on a tiny bridge with a sadistic cloud who wants to kill him every single day) would quickly rush to the registration booth. And quickly is what Koopa does best, as he is always, without fail, without having ever missed a beat, placed in the "Speed" class of characters. And he's running right up with the best of them in every single game.

Koopas tend not to be fast minus one. That's why they slide around in their shells. They just can't get faster on their feet. So it doesn't make sense for any old Koopa to be speedy, let alone speedy enough to be registered in the "Speed" class. So naturally, this sports-enthusiastic bird-turtle isn't just any old Koopa. He's Koopa the Quick.

Koopa the Quick, one of the most beloved characters of Super Mario 64. One of the most treasured heroes by fans. One of the most supposedly overlooked characters in Mario history. Axe that last one. One of the most under appreciated characters in Mario history. But if anything, one of the core cast, one of the dependable elite, one of the few who will come back again and again and never let you down. He'll just keep  fighting and fighting until he finally gets the recognition he deserves.

For that, Koopa the Quick, I commend you.

Koopa the Quick
Inducted into the Athletic Heroes Hall of Fame
November 5th, 2012 at 1:11 AM