The Donkey Kong Dilemma

For those of you on the level of nerd to actually care about the evolution and established mythology of Nintendo characters who aren't Yet-Another-Legolas or RoboCop-With-Tits, the Donkey Kong family history has always served a perplexing problem. Back in the day there were two Kongs; Donkey Kong, and his virtuous son Donkey Kong JR. There may have been three if you counted that pink mutant JR clone, but since the recolored Player 2 is typically understood to be merely a fourth-wall breaking conventional nature of the medium, he is not a true Kong.

Luigi is the minority.

The original Donkey Kong trilogy paved the way for the rest of the Nintendo universe in much the same way that the modern Marvel universe burst forth from deep within The Fantastic Four. Donkey Kong introduced Mario to the world, though at the time he was known as the heroic Jumpman. This, arguably, makes Donkey Kong the single most important primate ever to grace television screens, second only to the mighty King Kong himself. (On a side note: I find it interesting how the most important visual mediums both developed into what they are now due to a titular gorilla.)

Naturally, it would only make sense for Nintendo to revise their industry-saving franchise, and make the character appeal to an even greater audience by pitting him as the hero. Unfortunately, they handed the task over to RareWare, who undoubtedly made another beautiful Donkey Kong trilogy. Unfortunately, they also made a lot of inconsistencies.

This is the first one.

Originally the popular Diddy Kong was intended to be a redesigned Donkey Kong JR. Unfortunately, since monkeys look absolutely nothing like gorillas (or chimps, but that's a different matter), Nintendo said "Hell no." RareWare, disgruntled that the Man was attempting to stifle their creativity, decided that "Fine, we'll just make our Donkey Kong be a grown up JR, and the old Donkey Kong will be a cranky old coot."

In itself, this event didn't create any real inconsistency. It would simply mean that the Donkey Kong Country trilogy takes place in the near future of the Super Mario series. Unfortunately, since Rare and Nintendo didn't quite see eye-to-eye, a lot of weird things started happening when the ball was put back in their court. They managed to keep track of the changes for a little while, but soon enough we ended up with...

Oh, him again.

Diddy Kong, being a far more popular character in the modern generation, phased out Donkey Kong JR as the big ape's main buddy and began showing up in a lot of the Mario spin off games. This doesn't really matter until you realize that the DK Diddy hangs out with is supposed to an adult JR, in which case, Mario should be as old and cranky as... Cranky.

Then again, Nintendo has this shit going on.

So we really have Diddy Kong to thank for the being first asshole in the DK Crew to make everything a little uncomfortable. Most of this could be overlooked or explained by simply assuming "Well, apes age more quickly than humans do."

Then this bastard showed up.

That there is Baby Donkey Kong, making his debut in Yoshi's Island DS. Naturally, he fits right in with Baby Mario and Baby Luigi for kart racing and baseball playing. Unnaturally, he's supposed to be the infant form of the modern Donkey Kong, the one who's actually Donkey Kong JR. The one who couldn't have possibly been born at a time when Mario and Luigi were infants, because that fucks up the "apes age quickly" theory that makes Diddy Kong plausible.

It's possible that Baby Donkey Kong could be a baby form of Cranky Kong, who is supposed to be the original arcade Donkey Kong, but if we go by the aging theory that makes Diddy possible, he shouldn't be born yet either. So maybe Baby Donkey Kong is actually the infant of the current Donkey Kong's great-great-great-great grandfather. Of course, then our Donkey Kong should be Donkey Kong VII, not JR.

It doesn't help that in most of modern Donkey Kong's biographies they state that he once battled with Mario while holding Pauline captive, the role that Nintendo now attempts to claim was actually taken by Cranky Kong. This can't be possible if DK is hanging with Diddy while Cranky is napping in his cave, because the bio we're reading is for Diddy-hanging DK.

" While he now prefers the laid-back jungle lifestyle to construction site mischief, DK is often forced back into action by the Kremling Krew. The great ape is quite fast despite his burly physique, and he keeps his strength up with a steady diet of his favorite food: bananas. His one extravagance (and only piece of clothing) is a monogrammed necktie. "

Donkey Kong's biography from his Classic Trophy, Super Smash Bros. Melee, 2001

Notice how that biography included both construction sites and the Kremling Krew? That's because Nintendo has no idea what they're talking about. It doesn't help that in their attempt to clean things up later on, they claimed that the current Donkey Kong is actually JR's son and the Cranky's grandson. This itself puts even more strain on the aging theory.

In short: Nintendo has no fucking clue what is going with their own franchise.

To sum it up:

Cranky cannot possibly be the original Donkey Kong - he's simply too old.

Donkey Kong as we know him cannot be Donkey Kong JR - Baby Donkey Kong proves this.

Donkey Kong JR - is missing in action.

Cranky, Donkey, and JR are all separate and distinct characters. The Donkey Kong that swings through trees and rides rhinos is the same one that loves chucking barrels. Maybe Cranky is senile, or maybe he actually did perform a number of escapades prior to Donkey Kong for the arcade. Either way, he can't be any form of Donkey Kong we're familiar with.

Now that all is said and done, here's another Kong conundrum to mull over:

Long Live the Postal System: Why You Shouldn't Let it Die

How many letters have you received in the past year? How many letters have you received in the past year that weren't sent by your grandparents, your great aunt, or a sleazy businessman? Now how many of these letters did you respond to with the internet or a phone?

In this day and age, few people see the point in sending anything by the old snail mail. After all, why trust a snail with the one copy of your letter when you could hand it off to a roadrunner and still have an extra, just incase? Logically, e-mail is safer, and infinitely more efficient than the ways of old. Waiting six days to hear back is such a drag. Luckily, Google lets me do that in half-an-hour.

But it doesn't let me taste it!

The gag has a point. Every letter that shows up in my mailbox has a unique scent, a distinct feel, it's own little personality. Personal letters possess a piece of the person who wrote them, no matter how far they've traveled. From the spilled coffee in the corner to the twirling tail attached to their "Q"s, every part of that letter is drenched in the essence of that person.

There's no life in an e-mail. Sure, you may notice that some people have a habit of using emoticons in the place of periods, or spelling things in odd ways, or writing the best run-on sentences you've ever read, but there are absolutely none of the little touches that a physical letter has. Of the five senses you can use to "read" a letter, the internet leaves you with only one.

Liar! I can feel this keyboard! I can lick it, too!

I regretfully inform you that if you have a teenage son, you're best off not licking that keyboard. Not only that, but the keyboard contains the essence of you, and Dell, not the individual who wrote you a lengthy apology letter dabbed here and there with the stains of his tears, and their salty-wet fragrance.

There's a certain high that overcomes a person's mind as they hold an unopened enveloped marked with their lover's exquisite insignia. It's a feeling that you don't get when you notice "Hawtlips93" has sent you an e-mail in the past twelve minutes, no matter how detailed the note or artsy the poetry. There's a feeling you get when you hold a letter that reminds you that somebody out there actually gives a damn, and gives a really big damn, about you, about your life, about what happens to you.

Don't be selfish. Share that feeling.

Write back.

Perception is Reality

A man is locked in a room of pillows. His life ticks away in sedated spurts as the doctors label him a “lost cause.” The man seems to exist in his own world, a world where he is married to a woman named Maria, and he works at a water amusement park where his three children can ride for free. A psychiatrist visits the man each day, but there is no improvement, no indication that his words are even being heard. The man continues speaking with his “wife” or his “employer” or whatever other imaginary being his mind tells him is there.

My question is simple: is the man crazy?

The answer, the only answer to which I can conclude after many weeks of careful thought, is no. This man, whom believes he works at an amusement park whilst hardly ever leaving his cell, is not crazy. He exists in a reality which is apart from our own, however that does not make it any less real. The world that he sees, the people he speaks to, and the woman he loves are all very real. To him, that is. Are they real to us? Why does that matter?

Reality is nothing more than what your brain tells you it is. The possibility that you are a “crazy” person locked away in a facility has never occurred to you, because the people you encounter all are “real” people. It doesn’t matter to you whether you’re locked up in supposed “reality” because that reality is not your reality. What matters in your reality is that last piece of chicken sitting patiently at the buffet table as you and a large man from Texas silently race towards it.

There is a large possibility that I do not exist. It is likely that your path and mine will never once cross, and so you will know me only as an ill kept blog with an interesting bit of food for thought. Of course it is far more likely that you are the one who does not exist, as I can perceive of myself writing this. It is entirely possible that one of us is merely a construct of the other’s own mind, but that is truly irrelevant, because if you are reading this than this writing is a part of your reality, regardless of whether or not its author is.

Simply because something that another individual perceives as real that we ourselves cannot see, or hear, or understand does not mean that that something does not exist. All it means is that that something does not exist as a part of our individual reality, our perception of reality. However, this should not matter, as it could be very real to any other individual. For instance, there are those who claim to experience attacks by ghosts, however it could later be proven that the “claw marks” etched into their back were self-induced in a state of delusion.

But that delusional explanation is only the rationalization that best suits your own perceived reality, as in his reality he was indeed attacked by a ghost, and no amount of reasoning will ever change that, and nor should it. Our thinly united reality is a construct of one dictatorial mind influencing the realities of all others in its reach, though it may not be aware of such. This can be proven in asylums themselves, where trained professionals are paid to go in and convince other individuals that their realities are simply wrong, and that there is only one true reality. The true reality being, of course, the one inhabited by the trained professional.

This idea is false. The reality of a “delusional” man is no less real than the reality of the “professional.” Perhaps locking these people up in one reality is the best way to ensure that they do not damage that reality, however there is no reason why anybody must beat at the walls of another reality in an attempt to morph it into one that resembles their own. Each individual living being exists in a separate reality, and whether or not that reality conforms to our own is not a matter that we can control, and it is not a matter that we should attempt to control.

Your dorm mate exists in a separate world from you, and your mother exists in a separate world from you, and your dog exists in a separate world from you. While we may be sometimes able to acknowledge other individuals, we really have no ability to understand if that individual exists in another reality. All we have to go on are the words given to us through other individuals that exist in our reality. These words are then, of course, biased to seem more plausible in your individual realm.

As such, I deem there is only one universal law of reality. Perception is reality.

Updates, Birthdays, and My Awesome Girlfriend

If any of you actually follow this blog, and I know for a fact there's nine of you, you have probably noticed that I've been a real ass about doing anything this month. Well, you see, there's a perfectly good reason for that:

I had to save the cows.

That's right. I've been ditching responsibility because I've been busily pushing my thumbs through Majora's Mask each day. You wanna fight about it?

In addition to that, my girlfriend starts college soon, and I've been really stressed trying to figure out just how I can get my family to cooperate in a way they won't flake on me so that we can see each other at pretty frequent intervals during the year. So far it's looking really shaky, but hey, my parents have dandruff.

Actually, that's not an excuse. They really need to stop flaking.

Before I actually get mad and start ranting about that, let's move on to the updates. You'll notice three new pages in the navigation menu underneath my little gremlin's house. "Articles", "Top 5", and "Neglected Characters." These sections are all going to be fairly organized archives of the material I've been posting here for the past few months, and I will continue to update them throughout the week until I'm finally all caught up (pffhaha.)

A note: the "Top 5" section isn't a totally accurate label, but I couldn't really think of an appropriate term that was concise enough to use. Basically this section will consist of all those "Five Capcom Characters" type of posts that I've been having a lot of fun writing the past few weeks.

In other news: the fourteenth was my birthday, and I have now successfully survived twenty years in this household of living. To celebrate this, check out the awesome gift my awesome girlfriend got me cause she's awesome:

I can see you. I can see you're fucking jelly.
You're all fucking jelly.

That's right! I got a Pachirisu! Currently his name is Pachichi, and he will kick your Aerodactyl's ass.

That's all, really. I hope you guys have an awesome nineteenth of the month of lions, please take a look at the new sections, and enjoy two more pics of Pachichi.

Late to the Party and Still Lookin' Good: It's the Lollipop Chainsaw Massacre!

Once upon a time, way back in the early 21st century, game developers were known for releasing way too many titles with the same theme in an attempt to cash in on the current fad. This really isn't exclusive to the gaming industry, but right now, we don't care about the other ones. Anyways, at some point in the later half of the earliest decade of the newest century, there came a vampire fad, brought on by legions of moronic girls who seemed to think that vampires sparkled when the sun hit them. This fad was shortly followed by a series of other, smaller, night creature fads, such as werewolves, demons, and Frankenstein's. Unfortunately, incubi and succubi were both absent from this horde of melodrama.

Enter the zombies, arguably proving that vampires were just rolling out the red carpet for their more shuffle-footed friends. The undead walked the streets, as well as the local GameStop, Barnes & Noble, and Blockbuster with such numbers that they overwhelmed nearly everything else. Zombies showed up in SciFi, they showed up in Historical Fiction, they showed up in Urban Fantasy, and they showed up in a lot of other places that they really didn't belong. It quickly became an eye sore, even to hardcore zombie fetishists.

The corporations soon began to feel the sting of consumer boredom as zombies became more used than Lindsay Lohan. Like with all fads, a few gems still held a special place in the hearts of many. The Left 4 Dead pair of games, and 2009's Zombieland would not soon lose their luster, but the ill-fated Marvel Zombies series had long ago wore out its welcome. The industry began to redie once again.

Or so we thought...

...but Suda51 just had to be a dick.

Grasshopper Manufacture, the brave souls that brought us the beautiful masterwork that is No More Heroes and No More Heroes 2, have ventured into the realm of female protagonists and zombie survival in the same game. One can only speculate at how much awesome this game is going to be. Right now we only have a small trailer to go on, and only a small bit of gameplay, but it's a sweet, sweet trailer.

What we see here is a sexy version of Kim Possible, but blond so immediately hotter, holding a chainsaw, and mowing down zombies like she's being graded on it. Which she probably is, knowing Suda51's track record for the absurd. The game looks like it'll play something like No More Heroes, though I'm willing to guess that Juliet (that fox you just watched for two minutes) is going to be moving a little more slowly than Travis Touchdown. Although maybe her athletic abilities will provide the game with some agile play. You can never really tell what Suda will do, because his characters always have weapons that would normally work against their wielder's physical attributes, only to pay off in awesome ways.

For anybody looking for a "strong, female protagonist without the sex appeal" you clearly aren't going to find that here. Lollipop Chainsaw is looking to be like a higher quality Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers. Much, much higher quality. Of course, that means girls, guts, and explosions. The only other thing any guy could ask of this game would be a strong, coherent, put together plot.

Fat chance.

Despite the vulgarity and weak story telling in the majority of Suda51's previous works, they have always been on the front lines in terms of fulfilling the most important aspect of a game: being fun to play. Always original, even when they're cliche, just about any game that Suda51 has had a hand in has been a major success, if not financially than definitely in being an enjoyable ten hour stint. I'm a huge fan of cheerleaders, No More Heroes, and zombies, and I'm definitely going to be picking up Lollipop Chainsaw when it hits shelves.

Definitely.

Hentai: How Can You Get Off to a Drawing?

Hentai has been considered a sanctuary to nerds and a big, red bull's eye to jocks, cheerleaders, and backstabbing best friends for as long as anime has been swimming onto the United States shoreline. It is considered a dirty habit on par with obsessive drug use, and even as dirty as "real" porn (in most circles, anyways), and most of the poor, sexually frustrated, angst-ridden teens who watch it are left in their dark basements to feel like social outcasts and perform the deed in quiet, listening to the inaudible mental jeers of their nightmarishly manifested peers.

To those who aren't in-the-know, hentai as used in modern United States definition refers to pornographic material created in the form of anime. That is, big eyes, big hair, and big tits, and 100% cartoon.

Like this, but all the way naked.
And sometimes with tentacles...

Less often but still appropriate, hentai can refer to non-photographic pornography of any style, including American comics, American cartoons, paintings, and 3D animation. Anything that wasn't actual sex happening and recorded can be considered hentai, with the exception of literature, which is collectively known as "erotica." Which, I might add, is more widely accepted than either hentai or porn, for reasons unknown to man because only women read erotica. *Don't worry, I'll joke at male expense as well.*

It's pretty well known that men will be aroused by just about anything that is either round, wet, jug-like, or existing. *Told you.* So it makes sense that guys would find depictions of naked or scantily clad women arousing, and even moreso when those depictions are moaning, groaning, and making unappealing but already associated sloshing, wet, smacking sounds.

Eating these may produce a similar sound.
Another reason guys like sex.

Which makes it baffling that guys will berate other guys for... enjoying hentai. It might make sense for girls to make fun of guys for pleasuring themselves to drawings, except that a disturbingly large number of yaoi fangirls exist in the world, so that gender is no longer free to spit upon sexual desires. Also, erotica doesn't even have pictures at all. So, like... I dunno... Aha, you get off to words?

Shut up, guy.
Words are hot.

What's even more confusing to me is why people seem to think that hentai is somehow more perverted than real porn. The logic behind that thought just... isn't there. A close-up of the insides of a woman's vagina is still a close-up of a woman's vagina, whether it's drawn or not, and either way if you're masturbating to it, it's perverted. On an equal scale.

Watching this means you're a normal, healthy
curious teenager.

Watching this means you're probably a convicted
sexual predator.

I don't get it.

Blake Robinson's Super Sonic Special Sound

Despite the ridicule and strange glances, I tend to enjoy listening to the music composed for video games, and especially the remixes of some of these pieces. There's some real talent working in the industry, and the hobby boards, that don't really get the recognition they deserve because their work isn't considered to be "real music" by most.

In my search for interesting remix artists, I happened upon a man named Blake Robinson (although I really should give a shout out to the Spriter's Resource, since it was a thread on that forum which brought my attention to this man's talent.) Blake specializes in orchestral sounding remixes of not just video game sounds, but anime and even meme melodies. His rendition of "Nyan Cat" takes the short tune and turns it into a magical melody that evokes a feeling of flying through the cosmos in search of adventure.

While the remix retains the feeling of the original, Blake Robinson has undoubtedly added a new dimension that transforms the jingle into something completely different. This is exactly what he has done with Jun Senoue's "Splash Hill Zone" from Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode I. Mr. Robinson has kept that growing feeling, the build up of an epic, yet upbeat adventure lurking just around the corner, and developed that far beyond the scope of the original composition. Have a listen:

I'll admit that I wasn't a large fan of the original "Splash Hill Zone" song. I found it just a little too campy, and way too cheesy (even for me.) The remix above does away with most of the camp and has served me a dinner not smothered in melted nacho sauce. For a comparison, check out the original song:

Notice how much more awesome Robinson's version is? That happens to nearly every song the man touches. If you don't believe me, just hop on over to his YouTube channel and check out some of his other super cool red remixes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a game to mod.

The League of Cool Pokémon!

Hello, ladies and germs, to the official League of Cool Pokémon, a gathering of only the coolest, most awesome Pokémon from any of the many lands. This League is not a place for Pokémon to challenge one another, but a place where they can hang out with all the other cool guys, sitting in a place high above those other, boring, not-cool Pokémon.

The members of the League of Cool Pokémon were chosen by myself. For the most part, they are here because they look cool, but there are instances where I will admit a Pokémon into the League of Evil Exes Cool Pokémon for another purpose, such as them suddenly kicking ass in my copy of HeartGold.

To start things off, allow me to introduce you to the first member of the LoCP.

KANGASKHAN!

Welcoming you to the LoCP is our very special two-for-one deal, Kangaskhan! The roughest and toughest normal type around, Kangaskhan's got a rocky looking exterior, but a comfy inner pouch for her baby, whom I shall name Joeykhan, to take naps in. Kangaskhan are very defensive and aggressive to a fault, and will sometimes attack innocent bystanders to protect their young. They've always been a favorite of mine, and they haven't been ruined by a lame evolution (yet.) Though, to be perfectly honest, this species deserved a baby evolution way before the Pichu brothers should have seen the light of screen.

Cool Kangaskhan Sprites

   

Now that you've met the doorman, how about you take a look at the rest of the League? Just click on the sprite below to take a look at some of the coolest Pokémon around!

     Updated: 8/11/2011

It's So Real!

Video games, movies, comic books, these are a few of my favorite things. Some of them employ fantasy landscapes and a new set of natural laws to glue your eyes to the screen, while others take advantage of their colorfully cliched characters to make you feel the gravity of the drama unfolding, even if it's as stupid as "Will Avalanche date Kitty and join the X-Men?" or "Will Raven and Beast Boy finally hold hands?" But the most powerful ability in the audience abducting arsenal of the mass media empire? Being totally realistic.

Hang on a second...

...What?

It's almost a guaranteed response when you ask somebody what they like about a particular game or movie, and on the other hand, if you ask why somebody didn't like a game or movie, it's because there wasn't enough of it. Enough of this thing people are calling "realism." The problem is that I haven't seen very much of anything that is actually "realistic" and the few things I have seen that properly depict realism have been boring as making microwave tea.

Bioshock, pictured above, is considered among the greatest games of the current generation, being your kid's version of Super Mario Bros. or Pac-Man. While I haven't actually played the game, I've seen footage and I admit it looks like it might be fun. What I don't understand is why all of my friends are claiming that it's super realistic. Really, there are things that must be evaluated here. Are the graphics realistic? Do they resemble real life in texture and lighting? Is it the voice acting that's realistic? The way in which the character handles the situation? The way the player character can react to a situation? The plot? What is realistic about this? What I see is a gun that's way too big to be held by a real man being aimed at a gigantic robotic bubble that was probably mining for gold when Mega Man came along and shot it in the ass.

"Well. It. Just. Something about it. Just. It just is." Thanks for clearing that up for me, largely-unexaggerated-yet-fictitious-friend.

What my friend here has illustrated to me is a lack of proper understanding of what reality actually is. It seems that there is some confusion with telling the difference between "gritty, gory, exploding" and "real." In order to be "realistic" you must be able to carry mini-guns on your own, bleed more blood than any human could possibly have, and remorselessly beat on human civilians.

Real people.

If I were a fetus born into the astral plane and sent to live in this "real world" physical plane as a fully formed and functioning adult, and had to learn my concepts of reality based on what games and movies were realistic, my idea of "real life" would be blood, violence, and the color brown absolutely everywhere. That seems to be the literal threshold in the audience. If blood comes out when a person gets hurts, that's one thing, but if there's enough blood to paint a bathroom sink? Well, boy, that's realistic!

Aside from how bland the world would be if everything were actually tinted with brown, the other two points present a problematic scenario for our world. What most people are claiming as "realistic" and praising with their asses in the air happens to be violence, blood shed, anger, hate, and unrelenting sex. Essentially "lawlessness" is the ideal vision of realism. Which says more about our societal psyche than about the industry's ability to continuously shovel out piles of festering shit.

If everyone has this idea that stealing cars and beating hoes are the building blocks of reality, what do people see when they wake up in the morning? What do they think as they walk down the street? Do people even acknowledge that reality isn't all about killing people and covering everything in blood?

Yes. They call those things "gay."

There also seems to be a recent phenomenon I like to call "grossly exaggerating the abilities of yourself and any other individual member of your species." In this phenomenon, a person will tell you that he is capable of killing an entire armed unit of Secret Service agents with a fork, and exactly how he would sneak through their defences to get to them. He will then go on to say that almost any other person in the world could do it, except for you, you're fat.

The truth is:

You're in gray. You're lucky to be breathing.

Aside from pointing out the psychological downfall of humanity, this notion that "it's good because it's realistic" has a brother in the form of "it's bad because it isn't realistic enough." What this means is that tool sheds will immediately dismiss anything that is a work of fiction, or possessing a character that isn't drawn with so much detail that his expression is unreadable, as "fake and gay."

Fake and gay!

This is, unfortunately, leaving the industry in such a sorry state that you really cannot tell the difference between the characters from one game to the next. There's also the idea of "escapism" as something to be ashamed of, when there really isn't anything wrong at all with picking up a book or a game to get the hell out of real life. Because dammit, I live in real life and I'm sick of it!

The Breadline Is Open! (For Real This Time)

Some of you might remember that back in May I had won the monthly drawing over at Breadline Books and roped myself a free copy of Spider-Man Noir: Eyes Without A Face, and encouraged anybody with a passion for reading to head on over and check the blog out. Breadline then promptly stopped updating, leaving many to wonder what had become of the world's greatest pantry.

Guys, you're in the wrong line. Guys?

Out of curiosity, and perhaps a bit of "Where's my pics? D:" I decided to pop over to Breadline and see what was up, and it seems that after a few month intermission caused by the one and only Apple, that operations have resumed. A very brief July breadline was opened on the twenty-fifth, but that has already given way to this month's very own drawing. While I'm sure the first two winners have already been selected, you still have a chance at becoming the third monthly winner, so get your butt in gear and click this link.

More important than the reopening of what could potentially be the greatest service anybody could do for mankind is the very awesome reality that you may all now witness my beautiful face! Never before have you seen such wonderfully sculpted lines, beautifully chiseled chins, or carefully crafted creeping eyes. Don't believe in my beauty? Have a look for yourself.

I would like everyone to know that this post is not a plug for Breadline Books, but rather, a plug for my own narcissism. You may now carry on with your day. Unless your name is Jarvis, in which case I need you over here right now. My grape bowl is empty and needs filling.