Five Greatest Candies for Trick-or-Treaters

If there's any one holiday that can make both children and dentists rejoice on equal scales, it's Halloween. Nothing else quite defines the Autumn season. Right from the start the air becomes eerie and children flock to "World's Largest Pumpkin" exhibits. The chill in your bones isn't quite the same as the one that comes to bite off the tips of your toes in mid-December. It's equal parts "Damn, fifty degrees feels like zero after that blistering July" and "Damn, something is about to pull me under my own bed and eat me." But you don't mind the cold, and the feeling of impending doom is refreshing after months of pure safety. Plus, the candy helps.

In celebration of the only thing that really matters between the end of Summer Vacation and the beginning of Thanksgiving Break, I'm listing the top five candies you should be handing out if you want me the kids on the block to know you're the raddest dude this side of Elm Street.

1. Tootsie Rolls

Tootsie Rolls are the unsung hero of nearly any holiday event that includes children. They come in all shapes and sizes: squares, logs, medium sized logs, ridiculously long squares. Everything! And they taste pretty damn good. Who doesn't like what in reality is the equivalent of chocolate taffy? Unlike taffy, however, Tootsie Rolls melt down fairly quickly and don't leave an unpleasant aftertaste behind, meaning you can quickly gobble up the next unfortunate chocolate bar, and the Tootsie Roll residue won't ruin whatever comes next! It's a total win situation! Unfortunately those multicolored knockoffs have watered down the Tootsie Roll's value by overall sucking and not being worth counting as part of the Halloween Haul. It's gotten to the point where kid's hardly consider Tootsie Rolls anything grand, and when that's what they see in the bowl, they tend to sigh and unenthusiastically thank their host, when in reality they want to strangle them for handing out such trite chocolates. Do not be deterred! Hand the rolls away! Despite the disgruntlement of the child upon first receiving the candy, they will feel an emptiness far greater than that of the space where you once had a tooth if there are no Tootsie Rolls spilling from their orange bags come the return home. The loneliest Halloween I ever had was one without Tootsie Rolls.

Heaven does exist!

If you somehow still aren't sold on the Tootsie Roll thing, consider this: they are typically saved as a child's reserve candies. The last line of defense in dragging out blissful dessert snacks between Halloween and Christmas. If you don't mind missing out on instant gratitude, the trade-off is a full two months of very happy chocolate mouths.

2. 100 Grand Bar

Now I love the 100 Grand Bar, so I was tempted to put it higher on the list, but I realized that it isn't as well celebrated as the others. I realized this when I only received two one year. Two hundred grand bars. What kind of person doesn't hand out hundred grand bars on Halloween?! Sure, most of the time the kids look at them with slight bewilderment, not quite sure what it is but knowing that the red package looks at least vaguely familiar. They'll never really be sure of whether they like it or not, and half the time the parents will tell them their teeth are too little and undeveloped to eat it, but nobody actually dislikes a 100 Grand Bar. In fact, these are the Tootsie Roll's only allies in the war against No Candy November. The 100 Grand Bar's chewy nature doesn't make it the top choice for immediate consumption, because it hinders a child's ability to cram down more of those miniature Reese's Cups with the gold foil, but come the 2nd or 3rd of November, the 100 Grand Bar is worth its name in pleasure.

Please excuse the mess, this image is making me salivate.

3. Snickers Bar

The Snickers Bar is a tried and true Halloween treat and often comes in party packs alongside its inbred cousins: Milky Way and 3 Muskateers. Snickers, however, managed to stray far enough from the family tree to find the perfect blend of caramel, chocolate, and peanuts. There's only one better way to enjoy this combination of treats, but I'll save the best for last. The Snickers Bar has kind of taken on a similar status to the Hershey's Bar: everyone loves them, the thought of having them makes most of us drool like deliberately disgusting infants, but they don't tend to stand out amongst all the other, brightly colored, more festive looking candies. The Snickers Bar has had the misfortune of becoming the staple of what a chocolate bar should be. It, like Friday the 13th, has become a cliche, and cliches tend to be overlooked when surrounded by all the shiny new stuff. Yet they always persist, and there's a good reason for that: people like cliches. And in this instance, you can't go wrong.

And if you can, I don't want to be right. [/cliche]

2. Twix Bar

If you need a moment to finish digesting the last entry, take your time. Just know that you're leaving the tender twins waiting. Twins eagerly waiting to be licked to the morning, and if you don't make a move fast, they're going to dance on the tongue of some other stud. The Twix Bar proves that great things are better in twos, and even those too young to feel embarrassed by my last sentence will understand that. TwixTwix has recently decided to try adding their own brand of peanut butter to the mix, and that just ruins all the fun, because their peanut butter sucks. However, the classic caramel Twix is one of the single most enjoyable treats the world has ever known, and it will continue to be so until time immemorial.

It doesn't matter that they slightly resemble the withered fingers of a has-been
basketball star, you're going to eat them anyways. And you'll like it.

5. Reese's Cup

If you were beginning to worry yourselves because you hadn't seen the classic Cup on the list yet, you're being ridiculous, of course it's going to be on the list. The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is the single greatest thing to come out of the commercial candy industry since chocolate, and no newfangled anything is going to change that. H.B. Reese, the greatest man who ever lived, discovered something wonderful way back in 1928, and that something was the most glorious blend of chocolate and peanut butter the world has ever known. No candy with these two ingredients has ever even come close to the Reese's Cup, not even any other versions of the Reese's Cup, and that's because this is the one formula that takes ordinary and makes magic. If you're high right now, go trade your weed for a Reese's Cup, I guarantee a better trip. You hand out Reese's Cups on Halloween, the genuinely sized ones, and you will be hailed as the savior of the New World. Children will come from miles around to worship and grovel at your toes in the hopes of getting just one tiny bite of peanut-chocolatey goodness.

I found the Holy Grail! Hallelujah!

The best part about the Reese's? There's no wrong way to eat it! But there is a very, very right way. I'm going to ask you to kindly remember something I said earlier in the article. Go on, remember it for me. It looked something like this: "There's only one better way to enjoy this combination of treats, but I'll save the best for last."

Well here it is: the Reese's Cup. Balance a Twix on the flat side of one of these babies and chomp down on both candies at once. The thought alone is so great that most of you probably just had an orgasm. If you want to have another one, go actually do this. It is freaking delicious.

5 Games NIntendo Should Put on Virtual Console

Over the years Nintendo has made some great games, but not all of them were available to a very large amount of people, so in the end they were lost to the abyss of time and obscurity. Some of these games weren't even made for a regular console or released outside of Japan, and that's left a lot of fans hanging dry. To the relief of many old timers, Nintendo's attempt to rival the X-Box Live Arace, the Virtual Console, has made a lot of these games available, sometimes with a few small updates. Still, things are missing, so I've taken it upon myself to help Nintendo fill in the gaps.

1. Duck Hunt

Duck Hunt was a pretty innovative game back when it was released in 1984. It was the first game to utilize the Nintendo Zapper product, which would be the forefather of the many numerous plastic-molded, pixel-murdering guns crafted by Nintendo, a tradition which is still somewhat carried on. The game also hosts a notable cast of imaginitavely colored ducks, and the prickiest pooch ever to paw his way into my heart.

But man, if I had a copy of Vs. Duck Hunt...

The Duck Hunt legacy carries on into today, even without Nintendo. The game's place as a pioneer and a legend has made it a household title into the modern generation, and almost everybody can recognize both the dog and the fruity-flavored fowls who pester him. Despite this, Nintendo has never made an actual sequel to the game, nor have they ever shown an interest in porting it to one of their more recent consoles. Occassionally the game will receive a cameo of some kind, such as being one of the many Micro Mini Games featured in the WarioWare franchise.

The Ducks also got a pretty sweet trophy in Super Smash Bros. Melee.

The most obvious reason for the lack of a port is that technology has moved on, or there isn't an appropriate light gun system for the current consoles. However, the Wii came along and made any of these excuses completely obsolete. The system is practically designed with Duck Hunt in mind, as Nintendo themselves proved in a tech demo. A pretty damn sexy tech demo, I might add. I want that shit in my game library right now.

Knowing this, I can't see a reason why Nintendo would keep their classic masterpiece lurking in the dark any longer. Nintendo, it's time to free the ducks!

2. Wario's Woods (SNES)

"Hang on, Nate. Wario's Woods is already on the Virutal Console, and it was in Animal Crossing. We've seen this shit so many times I'm being put to sleep just thinking about it."

That may be true, but have you seen this shit?

"Oh, well, I guess that's a little different... Please, go on."

Why thank you, good audience. You see, there were actually two versions of Wario's Woods developed right alongside each other, though they have some differences. Unfortunately, Nintendo apparently hates the SNES version of the game, which is the better of the two. It was the first (and I think, only) game to actually star Toad as the leading man, and he came with a slew of interesting supporting characters and adversaries that we, regrettably, have not seen since.

Katsini, oh Katsini. Where the hell are you, Katsini?

This was also the first major appearance of Birdo as one of the good guys, as she served as a kind of cheerleader for Toad. Additionally, the little known character Wanda made this her final act. It can only be assumed that at some point prior to the game's story, she was shot down by Wario's might warplane.

"I'mma da Red Baron, bitch!"

Wario's Woods was one of the first puzzle games I actually gave a damn about, because it was Mario, and because it was more than just one color block falling ontop of other color blocks. It was one color block falling ontop of other color blocks and then me picking that shit up and putting it in its place! It also featured all those other characters I mentioned, and at the time, Vs. style gameplay in a puzzle was simply unheard of.

Keeping this piece of Nintendo history hidden from the world is simply an injustice. To combat this, you should all painstakingly dig through every yardsale until you find a copy and a working SNES.

3. Joy Mech Fight

Joy Mech Fight is one of those obscure, Japanese NES games with an absurd cult following in the US the likes of which should encourage any gaming company to invest the minimal effort of translating and emulating the title, a task which is made easier by the fact that this has already been done, and all anybody would have to do is literally copy that ROM file.

Regardless, Nintendo still hasn't done so, which is a terrible, terrible marketing move. Joy Mech Fight doesn't have an audience simply because it's an obscure Asian game, it has an audience because it's a badass obscure Asian game. The concept of the game is to steal all of the basic plot concepts from Mega Man but turn into a fighting game with one of the most oddball protagonists this side of Canada.

The best cure for comedy is a punch in the face!

Sukapon is a robot that wasn't designed for combat, he was built for the sole purpose of making people laugh. His one primary function was comedy, until all of his brothers were kidnapped by Nintendo's version of Dr. Wily, and Nintendo's version of Dr. Light had to retool his lighthearted little friend into a deadly war machine.

Just because Nintendo couldn't think up their own plot doesn't mean the game is condemned to be a gigantic rip-off failure. On the contrary, actually. As a fighter of its age and platform, Joy Mech Fight is pretty advanced. The characters are all interesting, and they all have a unique playstyle that reflects their specific adaptations. Enjoy some gameplay you'll never see on your TV:

4. Mario Kart Arcade GP


I recently put some serious praise out for the Mario Kart franchise with the exception of one utter failure, but I had neglected to mention a pair of titles that followed the Mario Kart tradition and were both worthy and unique successors to those that came before them: Mario Kart Arcade GP, and Mario Kart Arcade GP 2. While there are two games in part of this mini-series, I'll only be discussing the first.

That would be this one.

Right off that bat you're going to notice something odd about this game, in a pretty awesome way. If you haven't seen it yet, go take a look at the picture two lines up. Oh, who might that be taking aim at Nintendo's beloved mascot? It's his industry predecessor, of course! Before Sonic tried to muscle out the mustachioed man, he was hopping his way over the old timers. While Pac-Man really hasn't aged well, he's in it to win it, and he's not alone. Ms. Pac-Man, and their arch-nemesis Blinky join the kart races alongside the Mario Big 8, and they don't seem out of place in the least. Actually, they fit right in, and I'm kind of disappointed these two have never had the opportunity to team up in other spin-offs. It's almost as if Pac-Land is some weird neighboring country to the Mushroom Kingdom.

Typically the Mario Kart games have one or two big gimmicks that carry them as a unique title. Double Dash had twin racers, Wii had motorcycles, and Super Mario Kart was simply an innovative title. While the game itself doesn't really offer too much new to the franchise, Mario Kart Arcade GP does handle like an arcade game, which it should, but it isn't because it was built into a cabinet. The game's engine, camera angles, sound effects, visuals, everything about it screams "arcade," which is all a gimmick in its own right. But it had one other ace in the hole that wasn't another left field crossover:

It took your picture.

Mario Kart Arcade GP came with a built in camera that would take a picture of your face and use that in place of the standard mugshot. While the current incarnation of the Wii doesn't come equipped with a camera, it does have two features that could take its place: the Mii channel, and the photo channel. By allowing the game to draw possible resources from these channels, players could still put their faces inside of Mario's stinking, thirty-year-old hat.

Aside from Namco's own mascot showing up to keep Mario on his toes, this game has one other thing separating it from the rest of the franchise: it's only available in the arcades. Because of this simple fact, I've been hoping for the title to show up on Wii ever since the Virtual Console was first announced, but alas, no such luck. For a while I lost hope, but that was reinvigorated when Nintendo unveiled the Virtual Console Arcade. And what a better place to use as a launch pad for their own arcade games? Unfortunately Nintendo doesn't seem interested in providing much outside of the 8-bit realm, so the wait carries on.

5. Donkey Kong 64


Donkey Kong 64 was the second member in the sisterhood of the Rare titles released on the N64 back in the late nineties. It was intended to have a tie-in with Banjo-Kazooie's famously unfinished Stop-n-Swap feature, but whatever this was going to do has long since been forgotten. Regardless, Donkey Kong 64 is a great game with a lot of depth and charm.

Really, how much more charm could you ask for? You got Lanky Kong!

This game was less of a follow-up to the Donkey Kong Country trilogy that blessed the Super Nintendo, and more of a game all its own. There was clearly a great deal of influence from Rare's previous title, Banjo-Kazooie, but DK64 did a lot to personify itself and embrace the fact that you were controlling a family of primates in a partially civilized jungle environment. While it is a bit of a collect fest, the collecting is always fun, and most of it is optional. Plus, there's something special about seeing all the oddly colored bananas and hearing that satisfyingly soft noise when you pick them up.

Unfortunately, I think there's one real key reason this hasn't shown up on the Virtual Console: because Nintendo would have to replace a small portion of it.

This portion.

Rare has always been big on referencing their own past endeavors, and the past of their parent companies, and they just love dropping in little cameos wherever they can. Or at least, 90's Rare did. That was part of the charm of the set of games they developed for the N64. They all had little nods to themselves and other cool titles. Donkey Kong 64 contained two specialty games that were required in order to progress within the main game. In one instance, you have to crash the big ape's party old school by actually besting the first three rounds of the Donkey Kong arcade cabinet. To make things even, Rare added Jetpac, one of their own arcade games, later on, which was required for a prize that I can't quite recall at the moment.

Unfortunately, Nintendo sold Rare and most of its licenses to Microsoft at the beginning of the last generation (which is actually ages ago, now that I think about it. Damn, I'm old.) Because of this, Nintendo would either need to go through legal hell to get the game up as it is, or put some effort into modifying the game to include one of their other arcade titles in place of Jetpac, and honestly I don't know if they even have the capabilities to do that since they weren't developers.

But if they could, man, I'd jam with the D.K. Crew. Yeah.

Five Ways Not to Write a Blog

So I was sitting at my sister's laptop computer one fine day that would happen to be as of three minutes ago trying to think of exactly what I wanted to write a blog post about. I knew I had to write one, because I've been a lazy bastard this past month, but I really had no idea what to write about. Ideas were swimming through my mind like schools of angry piranha, but I either couldn't find the materials, or (most common) the motivation. There was also that pesky habit of mine to get sidetracked at the slightest interesting tidbit, which is really, really bad for somebody who wants to make a living sidetracking people with his slight tidbits. As such, I came to a conclusion: today I would teach all of you poor, poor aspiring bloggers how not to write a blog post.

1. Do not attempt a "five hottest" article

Most people would make the logical assumption that sex will sell absolutely everything there is that needs to be sold, and so doing whatever possible to get some kind of lewd imagery and the opportunity to smother yourself in sexual slander will be the easy way to the high road of Popularity Hills. Fashion magazines do it, gossip magazines do it, geeky gaming websites do it, and hell, even Cracked does it.

Ah yeah, baby. Easy Streeeet!

Now, I have personally attempted at least twelve different "Five Hottest" articles, all with different subject matter. You might even read a couple of them in the coming months, but I kind of don't think so. Each of these articles have been started, each of these articles are halfway done, and each of them are sitting in the compost heap of my brain and a small file on my external HDD. There is one real reason for that:

I'm a guy. And if you want to write an article like this, there's a good chance that you are also a guy. Everything will seem find and dandy at first. How hard can it be to find a good, sexy picture on the internet, right? There's two problems with this idea:

1) Suddenly every picture you find will seem ten times more perverted than it really is, and you're going to start wondering if people will think you're some kind of rapist because you posted a picture of Eva Angelina.

2) It is way too freaking easy to find sexy pictures on the internet.

Seriously, I was on Google for maybe three seconds.

You will find these pictures, you will get a boner. You will try with all your might to resist that boner for a number of reasons. Maybe you're currently committed, maybe your body is a temple, maybe you don't support pornography, maybe you actually realize that if you start doing the deed, you will never get that article written.

Unfortunately, I am here to tell you; you will never get that article written. At some point during your crusade through Googleland, you will stumble across some real, hardcore, completely naked, uncensored porn, and since your search term probably involves some fetish you like (anything as simple as "blond hair" is a fetish) this real person porn will tickle your fancy.

No, the fancy is not your feet.

It is inevitable. From the moment you saw that cheerleader getting drilled harder than a new batch of military recruits, you were going to click that image. You will end up watching that video, with your pants down, and you will feel like a guilty asshole the entire time. You will finish, the "I don't feel like doing anything" of after-libido loving will set in, and you will be so overwhelmed by the part of your brain that screams "You're a fucking bastard, you have a girlfriend" that you won't want to do anything but get on your knees and beg for forgiveness from whatever it is that rules this world.

And you haven't finished that article either.

My advice to you is to never, ever, ever attempt to write an article listing the five anythings you think will give other people a hard-on, because you aren't going to finish (the article,) and it will eat away at your soul like a stoner eats everything.

2. Do not let your idea sit while you "work on" it

This is an absolutely terrible idea. Of all the dumb ideas you will ever have during your brief tenure as a writer, this is the absolute Charlie Browniest of them all. You will start an article with vigor, blast out the first thousand words of your way-too-elaborate grand master post, and then let it sit while you go off to do something frivolous and unimportant, like watch Terminator or cook dinner for your kids.

They don't want to eat anyways.

When you come back to your computer, or your notebook, or your dead bird and your bloody inkwell, you will find that you no longer have the drive to write anything at all. You have shut off your writer's mind to switch into another gear, and by doing that, you have convinced yourself that you are done writing and no longer need to switch back into work mode.

The idea will bore you, the writing will seem bland, you will notice every minute distraction in the room and turn it into an excuse to get up and pace back and forth aimlessly. You will subconsciously do everything you can to avoid sitting down to write, all the while telling yourself that you need to sit down and write. You will torture yourself for an entire night, not wanting to actually do anything else because you know you have work to do, but not wanting to do the work because goddammit, it's work!

Wait... Writing is work? FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-

Oh, yes, you sad, strange, little man. Writing is work just like any other craft is work. Carpentry = work. Plumbing = work. Painting = work. It doesn't matter if you're being paid for the result of that work, it is work, and it doesn't matter how much you wrote as a hobbyist scrawling out novels for your own guilty pleasure. The second you get even a tiny audience, or the second you decide to make yourself a schedule, your hobby will become "work." Your brain will associate writing as work, and you will soon learn that your brain hates work, even if you don't.

Making a living out of your hobby is the great dream that everyone has. Absolutely everyone, and it is still a great dream to strive for. However, I encourage everybody to try adhering to a regular schedule with a certain expectation to how much of your hobby you must produce, because if you can't put something out on a regular basis, you are going to drown in your own paints. You might even learn that you absolutely hate your beloved closet hobby. (Hint: I still don't.)

3. Do not make yourself write in someone else's style

I can hear the lot shouting about pots and kettles, and the many jeers of "hey, aren't you the guy who rips off every writer from Cracked to have ever existed?" The simple and concise answer is: No, I haven't ripped off anybody. My humor is my own, and my style is wholly original.

Like how I use images and captions for sight gags.

Alright, maybe my style is a little influenced, but that is what makes up style in the first place. Your unique style is the culmination of everything creative you have ever witnessed and how your mind uniquely interprets that, so of course your style will have fragmented pieces of the styles of other creators, particularly those creators which have had the biggest impact or involvement in your interests.

What matters is that your style truly comes from you. The words you say must be said in your voice. If that means using emoticons every other line, typing in text talk, or elegantly smothering your sentences in poetically defined petals of prose, then so be it. As long as the style is what naturally leaves your finger tips, and not something you are attempting to force onto paper (or screen.)

A style that isn't yours fits just as well.

Intermission

If you have to pee after reading the 1300 words above this point, go pee now.

I don't know if you noticed, but I had to disregard number two just after writing it because my younger siblings don't like when I turn them into anorexic skeletons, so I had to go make dinner. If you were wondering, they had sliced and fried hot dogs, broccoli, a couple of potato wedges, and blueberries for dessert. Normally, I wouldn't point out my own flaws, however it is useful for the educational purposes of this article. Notice how much less awesome number three was in comparison to the two above it? Let's see if I can get my groove back for four and five...

4. Do not write about Google's top keywords

Here's another common and perfectly logical thought when trying to strum up a little more traffic: "What I'm writing about doesn't pertain to the majority of the people. If I look at what people search on Google the most, and write about that, then I can get more traffic! Easy peasy!"

Whoa! Slow down, Mr. Peasy, because I've got a few thorns to shove between your ribs [avoiding cliches 101.] For starters, even if you do manage to squeeze the top keywords into your article, or the title if you want to go heavy on the shamelessness, the chances of you popping up anywhere in the first ten pages of Google search are slim to none. Even if you do manage to get a spot on page seven or eight, you're shit-out-of-luck, because people tend to rephrase their search if they don't get what they want on the first page. If they did get what they want, they're not browsing all the way to you. Sorry, bubs.

Stop cockblocking my magnificent marketing ideas!

Sorry, Tater Tots, but it's for your own good. Not only have I saved you the agony of expecting high traffic from a crappy Google listing, but I'm about to rescue you from the dangers of writing about shit you know absolutely nothing about for the sake of ratings.

That's right, writing about "tiki barber" (looking up Google's top keywords as of 35 minutes ago) is not going to do you any good unless you know about tiki barbers. The same for every other topic out there. You need to know about what you're writing, and if you take the time to research what everyone else wants to know about, you're going to be two months out of the loop by the time you're ready to write about it. In other words: write what interests you, not what interests people right this second or what Google tells you interested people half-an-hour ago.

If the topic doesn't matter to you, that will show through in your writing. You will be bland, boring, likely uninformative, and certainly not entertaining. Which is really what you want, even if you're being informative. If you do not entertain the audience, you will not get any information into their tiny little walnut brains.

Your audience is dinosaurs.

5. Do not force what comes out of you

If what you are writing, or what you want to write, is not coming to you more quickly than a bear to honey, then you're doing it wrong. Writing should not be like trying to send a pile of rocks through a paper shredder, it should be as easy as listening to an orchestra, licking a lollipop, or dragging your pen around in circles drawing what you will claim is a dust cloud.

It's Taz!

There's a common idea around the globe, one that spreads like a cancer because of the internet, that if you didn't endure hell writing whatever it is your wrote, scraping sandpaper against your brain to finish it, that you didn't write anything worth reading. This idea is a load of crap. What matters is that you didn't shoot yourself before you came to the end, and that you kept a tone that won't lull everyone and their moms to sleep. Granted, their dads will sleep simply to spite the modern writer, but hey, they're assholes.

Write what comes to you, write what you love, and you will write well.

5 Characters Who Should Be In Super Smash Bros.

A Super Smash Bros. sequel has pretty much been confirmed to at least be in pre-production for the Nintendo's upcoming Wii U console, and while without a trailer the rabid character craze hasn't had a chance to transform the internet into a cesspool of bubbling lolita witch fans (Ashley, I love you), I am still pretty damned hyped, and spend a good portion of one day a week (every hour of every day) fantasizing about just who is going to make the cut. Out of all the possible Nintendo characters there are, these are the five that I would choose if I were on the production team.

1. Villager

The Villagers from Animal Crossing were the original Mii, and they did it a hundred times better. Even back in the old and archaic days of the GameCube, your Villager could change its clothes, which is really more than can be said for any of the Miis at all in the history of ever. The DS added changeable hats and hairstyles, and I'm pretty sure Animal Crossing: City Folk on the Wii finally let you put on different pants and shoes, but I never actually bought that one. Really, Miis should be completely scrapped in favor of using a player's Villager, because they already have an iconic image, and they're already customizable enough to rival with Microsoft's Avatars.

That iconic look the Villagers have is one of the main reasons they should show up in a future Smash Bros. title. Not to mention their immediate arsenal includes axes, shovels, slingshots, fishing rods, and fifteen random pieces of furniture ranging from sofas to urinals, and you've got someone who can literally bury the competition. The Animal Crossing franchise has already proven popular enough to warrant receiving its own stage in Super Smash Bros.: Brawl, and its fanbase really hasn't shrunk. This series is one of Nintendo's big hitters, and it deserves a chance to shine with the best of them.

Apparently Google doesn't like the GCN male, so have a Wild World.

2. Balloon Fighter

Both Melee and Brawl have added two very specific character types to the roster: a reimagined classic character, and a kind of "wtf" Nintendo-historic character. Melee brought us a freshly redimensioned pair of Ice Climbers, as well as the paper-flat Mr. Game & Watch, while Brawl pimped out Pit, and weaponized everybody's robotic buddy, ROB. The only game in the trilogy to not feature a character of these types was the first one way back on the N64, and arguably, all of the characters were "classic" characters, and Ness and Captain Falcon were both very "wtf."

Since Melee, Sakurai has teased us with the prospect of including the famous Balloon Fighter, sometimes known as the Balloonist, to the series, and almost did just that but couldn't due to some physics issues. We've now had arguably two console generations pass by, and it's pretty certain that these issues can be easily worked out. I've already stated how Balloon Fight is one of my favorite retro games, and it's far less obscure than Mach Rider or even Joy Mech Fight, making the Balloon Fighter the perfect face to represent Nintendo's retro library.

Maybe he's actually "Lollipop Fighter." I'm not quite sure.

3. Meowth

Like the Balloon Fighter, Meowth had actually been scheduled to debut as a player character in a previous Smash Bros. title, though his claim to fame was set to be the original Super Smash Bros. on the Nintendo 64. Unfortunately he, alongside King Dedede, Peach, Bowser, and Pit, were removed from the title probably because the team was running out of time, which seems to be a common factor in not giving us enough Smash. This is a hint for Nintendo to finally suck it up and permit DLC.

All of those characters actually did make it into the series, eventually, and it's about time for Meowth to do the same. While the character isn't quite as recognizable as he was back in the day, he is still one of the more iconic Pokemon in the franchise, and he hasn't been traded off of Team Rocket's roster in the anime, effectively appearing in nearly every episode of the 700 episode series, and having infinitely more character development and depth than Pikachu. Meowth has appeared as a summonable Pokemon in both Super Smash Bros. and Super Smash Bros.: Brawl, and I think it's time we finally got to use Pay Day ourselves.

So long side character, hello spotlight!

4. KOS-MOS

KOS-MOS is the figurehead of Monolith Soft's Xenosaga trilogy, originally published by Namco, and was popular enough to receive cameos in nearly every other game Namco published at the time, such as: Namco x Capcom, Soul Calibur III, and Tales of Hearts. However, in 2007, Nintendo bought a large portion of Namco's interest in the developers, and Monolith became a first-party developer in the name of the Big N. They took the Xenosaga franchise along for the ride, releasing a retelling of the first two Xenosaga episodes on the Nintendo DS.

KOS-MOS isn't just the figurehead of the Xenosaga franchise, however. She's probably right up there with Square-Enix's Cloud Strife for recognizable RPG characters, and Master Chief for representing the video game industry's SciFi genre. KOS-MOS is a beautiful, yet seemingly heartless, android with a very large assortment of weapons, and inhuman strength and stamina. While she's new in the Nintendo break room, her reputation will undoubtedly proceed her, and she really deserves the opportunity to prove that she's right where she belongs.

What draws your attention more? The slight panty shot, or the pair of
 insane Gatling guns marching towards you?
...It was the panties, wasn't it?

5. Diskun

Remember how earlier I mentioned that the Smash Bros. franchise always adds a "wtf" character? Well here's mine. Aside from Captain N, Nintendo's history is really running out of oddball characters that don't have a direct starring role or identity, but Diskun is certainly a more colorful character than ROB. American audiences probably won't know him unless they're total nerds or they unlocked his trophy in Super Smash Bros. Melee, but he should be familiar to any Japanese family who owned a Famicom Disk System. That should be about four million of you.

Diskun hasn't actually appeared in games outside of very, very minor cameo roles, but he is a fondly remembered part of Nintendo's history, and he really brings a unique image to the game. Not to mention that he's wildly popular and merchandise featuring the character typically sells like hotcakes. Also, he's probably some kind of nerdy cousin to Domo-Kun.

Definitely.

Bonus Character:

Ditto

Why am I considering Ditto a "bonus" sixth character, and why does he get to break the rules of the list anyways? Because Ditto has technically already been playable in a previous Smash Bros. game. What the hell am I talking about? Have a look for yourself:

Photoshop is completely uninvolved with the image you just saw. In certain match types of Melee's Tournament Mode, holding down L+R and pressing A while choosing your character will replace the icon with Ditto, and the name with "Random," which is a hell of a lot better than that obnoxious white box Brawl tried to get away with.

That one.

Adding Ditto in basically the same exact role he already had would be a great way for Nintendo to make the roster feel a little more full, and add a tiny bit of replay to the game, as it would give us about three new trophies to collect. If some players really aren't convinced that he's enough of a character, tack on that goofy ass face from the anime.

Five Capcom Characters That Should Be DLC

Yesterday I made a list of Marvel characters I wanted to see bring home the download cake, so today we'll be taking a look at five of my favorite Capcom characters. The characters presented here have never appeared in a Marvel vs Capcom title, though a few of them may have crossed paths with SNK's Terry Bogard a time or two.

1. Sheva Alomar

Well, it looks like they've totally mixed things up with Jill, even going so far as to give her that bullshit Nina Wiiliams look from RE5, and in the process actually took a fighting style out of their game. Giving another female character from the festering streets of Resident Evil Jill's old move set would partially rectify this situation, and despite my love for Leon Kennedy, I'd rather see an old, but fixed, play style return. There were quite a few choices to go with here. Essentially any female player character from the franchise would have worked, but I'm going with Sheva for a couple of reasons. To start with, she's the most relevant, having appeared in high-scoring Resident Evil 5. She also provides a positive example for, wait for it, a black female character. In video games. She's actually fairly ground breaking in that regard, because I really can't think of another strong black female lead that originated in a video game. Sheva also has the arsenal needed to mimic Jill's old moves, and the Plagas to spice things up a little bit.

Holding guns makes me sexeh.

2. Firebrand

Firebrand is a member of the Red Arremer class of demons that made their claim to fame in the Ghosts 'n Goblins franchise, which also happens to be the birthplace of Arthur, who has already been swapping blows with Captain America for a few months. The demons proved to be so popular that they were given a spin-off series known as Gargoyle's Quest which starred a particular Red Arremer named Firebrand, whom happened to possess abilities beyond the usual Red Arremer classes. Red Arremer's are quite famous creatures, and their design can be easily recognized by even casual gamers. They usually take the form of cameos in the Capcom vs. franchise, but one was actually a playable character in SNK vs Capcom: SVC Chaos. Previous crossovers and legacy aside, Firebrand just looks badass. He's like a demonic version of Sauron, and can probably rip Parker's head off faster than Quicksilver could blink. Also, his name is just badass. Say it with me. Firebrand.

Good. Now chant and bow.

3. Vile

Vile has blasted the shit out of Mega Man X on more than one occasion, and he's even been playable in a 3D remake of the original Mega Man X. Vile is essentially the X franchise equivalent to Bass, much like X is the original Mega Man and Zero is some form of Proto Man. There doesn't seem to be a Roll X, but I guess Cinnamon counts. Anyways, Vile. Vile, kind of looking like Boba Fett and just as badass, is the only known reploid with the ability to go maverick of his own volition, which is really just a fancy way of saying "he actually thinks for himself and we don't like it when he does." He has a psyche unstable enough to rival Deadpool, and his sole motivation is to prove that he's the best there is. If you get between him and X, you're bound to get your penguinny ass blown to pieces. I've always been a huge fan of Vile ever since he first beat me into submission at the beginning of Mega Man X, back in the days of my youth when I thought his shoulder cannon was some kind of weird nose. The reason I've picked Vile to be another rep for the Mega Man franchise who isn't Mega Man is because I feel the franchise needs a little more variety going out into the crossover titles, and Vile is one of the more memorable characters the games have to offer. This really was a difficult choice, because if I could convince Capcom to give me some Chill Penguin DLC, you bet I frikken would.

X, I am your prototype!

4. Saki

Saki has previously showed up in Marvel vs Capcom 2, but as she was only an assist character, she doesn't fall under the exemption of previous characters. Where she has appeared as a playable fighter was in the Wii's Tatsunoko vs Capcom where she was one of my favorite characters to play as, having a knock back and blast gameplay that was really fun to use. She might not fit the bill exactly in terms of visuals, but it really wouldn't be too hard to blend her into the ink and pen styled graphics, especially considering they managed to make Viewtiful Joe work out okay. Saki seems to have a few fans inside the company itself, as she frequently shows up in crossover titles despite not really being known as a character.

My advice? Go on the date.



5. Cleric

Saving the unlikeliest for last, I'd like to introduce everybody to the Cleric, one of the five warriors who battled the dragon king Gildiss to save the land of Malus way back in 1991 in a little-known game called The King of Dragons. I was the fortunate and proud owner of the SNES port of the game, and I played it relentlessly (it's a miracle the thing still works.) Though I never played as the Cleric, often preferring the all-powerful Wizard, the Cleric was the character that managed to stick with me, visually, for so many years. I kind of see him as the game's figurehead hero. I also think he provides some unique opportunities for a versus character. For instance, the nature of the Cleric is that he's large, clunky, and slow, but he has some heavy attacks. That's fine, but if he can't get around, he'll get wasted. Except for that enormous shield he lugs into battle with him. That, coupled with his amazingly quick counters would provide for some interesting battles. The Cleric also has command over the second most powerful magic spells in the game, which ties itself nicely for making this guy stand out amongst the other big tough guys that pervade the genre.

Plus, he's got a mace.

Five Marvel Characters That Should Be DLC

Marvel vs Capcom 3 has been out long enough that the price is beginning to drop, and there still isn't any sign of downloadable content showing up on the XBLA servers. However, do not lose hope, do not despair. Capcom has several times stated that MvC3 is not abandoned. They have promised us either DLC or an updated Super version, akin to what they've done with Super Street Fighter IV. This news got me all kinds of excited again, fantasizing about all sorts of dream match ups, ridiculous combos, and spectacular specials that some of my favorite characters could pull off in glorious, glorious 3D. To work out some of my insane juices, here's a list of the top five Marvel characters I want to see make the next batch of MvC all-stars.

1. Karolina Dean

Karolina might not have the most heroic name, and she may not be the toughest hitter on Marvel's team, but she's got all the flair needed to make an impression. Belonging to an alien race known as the Majesdanians, Karolina's skin can absorb solar energy to the extent where her body cannot fully contain it. Through training and practice, Karolina has learned to master the ability of flight, as well as the ability to unleash several forms of solar radiated energy blasts. These skills, coupled with the fact that Karolina can create nearly indestructible energy shields, has made her an important player in the Runaways.



Go ahead and tell me she wouldn't look beauitful.
You know you're lying.



2. Nightcrawler

Nightcrawler has been a pretty popular character ever since his first introduction 1975. Despite his death in recent issues, Kurt still lives strong in the hearts of many, and it's not impossible to believe that he could appear given the alternate continuity designation of the MvC franchise. Nightcrawler has a surprising lot to bring the table than just a unique looking character. The gargoyle-esque superhero has the ability to teleport, a process which is otherwise known as "bamfing." This, coupled with his odd physiology which allows him to perform inhuman acrobatic feats, would make Nightcrawler one of the more original characters on the roster. Winding up a punch and then teleporting behind your opponent to deliver the attack? The gameplay possibilities with Nightcrawler are practically endless.

3. Howard the Duck

I can hear many of you laughing, and some of you clicking frantically at the "back" button on your browser, but back in his day, Howard was a pretty popular duck. So popular, in fact, that he was one of the first Marvel properties to star in a feature film. While some of the Duck's recent adventures have done a number on his concept and design, he still proves to be a cult favorite and is among one of the highest requested characters to appear in any Marvel game. Howard brings a bit of humor to the game, being a good candidate for the joke type of character that Capcom is such an enormous fan of, while also presenting a lot of opportunities for being a serious combatant. Howard is a master of the little known martial art Quak-Fu, which he has employed to defeat several enemies. Due to Howard being dragged through the Nexus of All Realities, he has gained considerable mystical abilities, to the point of being able to summon a fourth Eye of Aamotto and generate several other of Dr. Strange's famous weaponry, with Strange himself even remarking that Howard has the potential to become the next Sorcerer Supreme.

Like Uncle Scrooge, but cooler.

 

4. Doctor Octopus

Doc Ock has been one of Spider-Man's most famous arch-nemesi, and one of the most dangerous. Ock has been featured in what is regularly considered the best superhero film of all time, a role which skyrocketed his popularity well beyond the staggering level it already had. The good doctor has continuously proven to be extremely dangerous, and even formed the original Sinister Six, a team which nearly crushed our famed arachned hero. Doctor Octopus doesn't possess any superpowers of his own, but his four robotic tentacles are tough enough to put a dent in Cap's shield, and he's even used them to beat the Hulk into submission and tear apart Iron Man's armor. Brutally beating on alcoholics and whining scientists isn't the only reason Doc should show his face in Marvel's greatest display of combatants. The very source of his powers, the robotic harness he wears, presents Capcom with several hundred interesting possibilities. There is literally an endless number of ways for Ock to utilize that thing in combat, and even just showing off a few of them would make for one of the most diverse characters this side of the arcade.

Galactus is about to take some Megavitamins.

5. Daredevil

Daredevil might not possess super strength or super speed, but he's nearly as agile as Spider-Man, and his super senses allow him to dodge bullets, if only by a few centimetres. Ben Affleck gave this guy a reputation he didn't really deserve (and to be fair, that movie really wasn't terrible. Anything with Evanescence deserves to be watched at least once), but he's been Marvel's answer to Batman for a long time. Which makes sense when you consider that Frank Miller is responsible for the best runs in both series. Daredevil is a lawyer, much like She-Hulk, and fights in the name of the law when the police won't (though he's not going nearly as far as the Punisher... Who isn't on this list, sorry guys.) Daredevil is trained in several formed of martial arts, and was the son of a professional boxer, so he's a brute by nature, and he shows it off by instilling fear in the hearts of his enemies. While he isn't an A-List hero, Daredevil regularly teams up with them, and puts criminals such as the Kingpin in their place.

Five Forgotten Game Villains That Kicked Ass

In the long, long history of video games with half of a plot, there have been hundreds among larger numbered hundreds of video game bad guys. Some of these scoundrels have risen to fame in both the nerd circles, and the public as a whole, even spinning off into their own mistold tales. Many, however, fall into the brink of obscurity, waiting for a developer with his job on the rocks to pull out all the stops and revive them. This list is a nod to these villains, for who they were, who they should be, and the franchises that would be a whole lot better if they were to return.

1. Majora's Mask

Majora's Mask was the main antagonist of the Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask for the Nintendo 64, the only game before Twilight Princess that stood against Ocarina of Time in the bloody battles between Zelda fans for the best game ever made (I stand firmly in the Majora's Mask camp, but that's irrelevant to this post.) Majora's Mask is an ancient artifact of manifest evil that seems to be both home and captor of a tormented soul, seemingly forming its own demonic persona (the intent of which is to resurrect its dark creator.)

To do this, it molested a kid's face.

Some could convincingly argue that Majora's Mask isn't a "forgotten" villain, but remakes aside, its been missing in action for over a decade. Which is a shame, because the last time I checked, Ganon hadn't managed to crash the Moon into the planet. That's how much power this mask has. This mask has the power to bestow a nightmarish, grinning face onto an enormous hunk of space rock, seal four all-powerful deities inside tiny little masks, and send the space rock hurtling towards the planet. It can also create a breathable atmosphere on the Moon, so there's that.

What I'm saying is, this Mask is a powerful bastard. It's like the One Ring if the Ring could talk and fly around on its own. The mask can generate illusions, possess individuals from a distance, and even the most strong willed warriors can't help but succumb to the mask's desires once they happen to touch it. Which makes destroying it a bitch. Not only that, but as the Mask's power increases, it has the ability to begin manifesting itself in numerous physical bodies.

Oh fuck...

This mask is so powerful that Link, who has been saving the world from all sorts of demonic shit for centuries, had to pull a Goku if he even wanted to stand a chance. And this wasn't just any run of the mill Oracles of Ages Link. Oh no. This was the Link that had already defeated Ganon as the beast ripped down a castle and terrorized the country. Just imagine what would happen if Majora's Mask managed to latch itself onto the Holder of Power himself.

My sentiments exactly.

2. Giovanni

Giovanni should be a well known character to Pokefans of the 90's, but outside of remakes and a small cameo in HeartGold and SoulSilver, the true leader of Team Rocket hasn't been heard from in quite a while. And that's a little interesting considering the enigma this man was back when the Pokemon anime was the hottest shit on television. He was like a new, decidedly darker version of Inspector Gadget's Claw. Only a portion of his face was shown at any one time, while the rest was hidden by darkness, which created an overwhelming and still not understood feeling of dread, and left millions of hapless seven-year-olds wondering what this man looked like.

Maybe he should have stayed hidden...

While not a wholly original character, one cannot deny that Giovanni demands presence, and of all the suit-wearing mafia characters you've seen, his nearly cross-eyed and crumpled expression is going to be the one that sticks with you. Everything about him that at first glance screams "lame" or "poor design" becomes another fold in the quilt that is this man's well deserved legacy.

"What legacy?" I hear you ask. Well, even though Giovanni himself hasn't shown his face in anything new, his influence lives on. Let's start with the obvious fact that he was the financial backbone of the Mewtwo genetic experiments, and essentially the father to the most powerful, most deadly monster known to the Pokemon interpretation of Earth. This is a landmark in Pokescience. While the other professors are merely reviving dinosaurs and building Lego block ducks, Giovanni was birthing a superior species.

Not unlike this guy.

Giovanni's reach extends well beyond the scope of the first Generation, however. His cold, Persian-covered fingers wrap tightly around Generation II's throat. The most obvious evidence of this is the band of struggling Team Rocket grunts that hope to revive the organization by calling out to their fallen leader. Unfortunately their ambitions are crushed beneath the feet of yet another ten-year-old boy. Three years later and these guys still haven't evolved their Rattatas.

Also found in Generation II is one of the most despicable rivals featured in the Pokemon franchise: Silver. While Blue is pretty obnoxious and hard on his Pokemon, Silver is downright abusive, and most of his team has been stolen from other trainers. Oh, and he's Giovanni's son. That's right. The douchiest of all douche characters turns out to be the son of Pokemon's Al Capone.

How's dem apples?
Oh yeah.
I ate them.

3. Wizpig

Now this guy I bet you've genuinely never heard of. Not unless you're a hardcore Nintendonut, a racingnut, or, again, a child of the 90's. The 90's really was a good time for villains. Wizpig was the antagonist of Nintendo and Rareware's lovechild, Diddy Kong Racing for the N64. Though the game titles Diddy Kong, it actually has nothing to do with the Donkey Kong franchise outside of product placement (the same is to be said for Banjo the bear and Conker the squirrel, and also Timber the tiger, though that one never came to fruition.) The game actually revolves around Wizpig, an alien wizard who invades Timber's Island and places a gigantic statue of himself in the central "lobby" area, just to remind the players that he's watching their asses run around his playground, and they're only alive because they make him laugh.

Big Brother is watching... and breathing fire.

What's so bad about a giant talking pig? Well, to name one thing, he's already conquered his home world and turned it into some kind of twisted amusement park. So while Bowser struggles time and again to kidnap one measly kingdom, Wizpig has already crushed the fighting spirit of an entire planet. So, that's pretty bad.

He's also unimaginably powerful. This pig just descended from the heavens in his indestructible warship and stripped an all-powerful genie of most of his powers without breaking a sweat. This just shows that Wizpig has mastery of both science and magic, and he is effective at using both. He also brainwashes four gigantic beasts, and when the island's great champion arrives to challenge him, he laughs and turns him into a frog.

Still don't think I'm scary, bitch?

Really none of the heroes have an actual hope of defeating this guy. If it weren't for what can only be explained as him getting bored, Diddy and friends would have never even been able to defeat the first boss, let alone reach Wizpig's home world. Even after you leave his slow ass behind in a first race, he shows up at the party just to remind everyone that he's miles out of their league. And unlike in most cartoons where this happens, he doesn't end up humiliating himself and getting a face full of pie. Oh no. Because everyone there knows that he can disintegrate their ass in two seconds flat, and they book it like librarians.

4. Fang the Sniper

Ah, yes. Fang the Sniper, better known as Nack the Weasel in places that speak in English dialects, is one of the few Sonic the Hedgehog antagonists with no relation to Dr. Eggman (also known as Dr. Robotnik to those of you who... just reread it.) Fang, so called because of his enormous canine, is a vicious bounty and treasure hunter who actually hails from the Special Zone, being the first and only character to natively exist in that acid trip.

"Get outta my house!"

That's not the only first Fang brought to the table. Eleven years before Shadow the Hedgehog ran off pretending to be the Punisher, Fang was popping caps in Sonic's furry, blue ass. He was also riding motorcycles, so really "Shadow the Hedgehog" should have been called "the Return of Fang the Sniper"... but then it sucked, so we're all happy it wasn't.

Fang had a short history of only three games, none of which were popular or mainstream, but the impression he's made on the franchise has managed to transcend time and age. This is probably due in large part to Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog monthly comic series, which has managed to keep the character fresh and relevant despite Sega having practically disowned him.

However, Fang's continued popularity might stem from a few other facts more directly related to the video game universe. For starters, he's a major antagonist who had absolutely no relation to Eggman. He was not built by Eggman, hired by Eggman, released by Eggman, tricked by Eggman, or summoned by Eggman. Fang has his own solid identity as a Sonic villain, and as we've seen, Sega just cannot make new villains.

While Fang was created in the days when Sonic ran over checkered squares of grass, his character would be rather simple to adapt to the recent settings of the franchise, particular the areas present in the Adventures titles. Unlike the Chaotix, who had to become a trio of bumbling morons to fit the bill, casting Fang as an outlaw criminal who picks off his prey from the rooftops of Station Square would make him, and the franchise, a whole lot cooler.

"C'mon, guys... Eggman Nega instead of me? Really?"

5. Wart

Topping our list of the five villains who need to get their asses back to kidnapping princesses is... WART! Mario fans will know who I'm talking about, and the occasional friend-of-a-gamer will also recognize the name. Wart is the boss of the amazingly different Doki Doki Panic, known here in the states as Super Mario Bros. 2. This was the only main console Super Mario game where Bowser wasn't waiting for the plumber at the end of the final castle. Instead you found this guy perched high atop his throne.

This guy, and he was totally nude.

What sets Wart apart from Mario's other scaly nemesis is that while Bowser has tried to capture the Mushroom Kingdom at least ten times and failed at each one, Wart had already imprisoned the royal family, enslaved the inhabitants, and established a new government order before Mario even arrived on the scene. Also unlike Bowser, Mario and Luigi weren't enough to stop Wart. It took the additional help of Peach and Toad, and even then they had to rely on forcing the amphibian to choke down something he was allergic to before he would cough up the key and make his exit.

Wart hasn't been seen since except for a small cameo in a Zelda title, but a large portion of his troops have defected into the Koopa Pack, and some have even mellowed out and decided to become renowned professional tennis players. Others have formed a new hierarchy to fill the power void and bring order to their ranks.

Wart and his soldiers are solely responsible for building more than half of what the common person can identify as the Marioverse, and that's why he earns his spot at the top of the list of unjustly forgotten villains.