Lions and Vampires

When blood is spilt, out will come the beasts.
Lions from the South and Vampires from the East.
On men and women will these fiends feast.

And standing beneath a full moon's sky.
The children of the world begin to cry.
Before them on the ground, their parents lie.

When none are left and all is done.
The children will change and these beasts they'll become.
To wait once more for the full of sun.

The Rare Episode

Every collection seems to have an artifact which is rare or unusual but not terribly out of place beside its sibling specimens. Beanie Babies had Humphrey the Camel, Pokemon cards had that ever-sought holofoil first-edition Charizard, and comic books have their vast seas of the often under-printed number ones. Of course these are all material goods. Tangible, breakable, possessable. The notion of a television episode being rare? Preposterous, especially in an age when many shows end up on DVDs or iTunes.

Ignoring the very frustrating fact that no, not all shows have made their way to digital or physical home media, yes, there are rare television episodes. Allow me to explain what these are (although get out now if you're looking for a list) and exactly to whom and why these are such important landmarks in our country's (I really should get used to saying "planet's") broadcast history.

How many of you watch a little show called Adventure Time? Oh, yep, yep. I see some hands there. I also see a few of animation snobs squicking your stupid faces, but maybe you might consider giving new media a try. I didn't regret it. Anyways, who knows how many episodes of that show exist? Anyone? Some hands, some hands. Now if you looked at Wikipedia, put your hands down. I see three people left. Either you wrote the show, or you're wrong.

Finn and Jake have been on 78 adventures so far, and not a one of them looked like this.

That's seventy-eight episodes of Adventure Time. With all those episodes to choose from, why do I only see the same five or six whenever I turn on the TV? What's the deal, Cartoon Network? Those episodes had the highest viewer turn-out so now they're the only ones you play to appease your viewer-conscious advertisers?

This rule applies not just to Adventure Time, and hell, not even just to cartoons. Every show in syndication has its share of studio favorites, and it's those episodes that get aired again and again and again. You may have seen a different episode when it first premiered, but other than that you very rarely see anything outside of the special seven or so. Really, what other explanation could there be for Adult Swim to air the same episodes of Family Guy, American Dad, or King of the Hill month after month after month? With nearly a decade's worth of episodes to each of those shows, I shouldn't see any repeats for at least a year.

These episode preferences are leaving gaping holes in my understanding of continuity, man! Why does Finn have a sword when he's fighting Me-Mow? I've never seen that before, but it's been here the whole episode. When did he get that? THIS IS A CHANGE THAT OCCURRED AT WHAT POINT IN HISTORY?! The world may never know...

As a kid, finally getting to see "that" episode, the one that changed continuity forever but you never actually watched because your aunt had some kind of weird party that night and you were made to go and dress pretty, is like a slice of heaven pie. You savor every second of it, from title card to credits. It's almost as euphoric as watching the episodes they used in the opening segment and recognizing the clips as they happen. Maybe adults can't understand this, I know the feeling faded for me when I was about sixteen, but there's always going to be something special about witnessing a rare episode.

Jack Jickery Dee

Just a little poem for a friend's now passed birthday.

O' Sleepy Jack,
O' Sleepy Jack!
Slept all year,
But we gave him some slack!
O' Sleepy Jack,
O' Sleepy Jack!
It's your birthday
So please come back!

Davy Crockett, Uncle Sam, and Superman

Uncle Sam, Peter Cottontail, Santa Claus, Allan Quartermain, Davy Crockett, and Johnny Appleseed are a few names you might know, and if you live in the United States, they're names you'd better know. These are the names of our moral leaders, our gods, our mythology. Tales have been told of these men, real or not, for centuries. These are the characters held above the rest. Higher than Mickey Mouse, higher than Bugs Bunny, higher than Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Harry Potter, Eragon, Luke Skywalker or Jack Sparrow. These are the characters who history will chiseled in the walls of remembrance alongside the elevated fathers of the US. And today I propose we add to their ranks two very familiar men, and the people who are close to them. Today we shall admit into the ranks of folklore Superman and Batman.

Lois can come too.

I'm not suggesting something crazy like modern superheroes being interpreted as the gods our culture by good-natured but naive future historians. I'm not suggesting that at all. As fun as that concept is to think about, it's not really likely to happen. However, Superman, Batman, and their rogues gallery kind of stand on a different plane than those other heroes. Sure, they're owned by DC, but that's not the association the brain makes when they think of Superman. The brain thinks of flowing red cap, bright blue tights, that one funny curl, and his blazing insignia soaring through the sky. Spider-Man, Captain America, Hulk you think of Marvel. Flash, Green Lantern, and Green Arrow are DC (notice how I left out some heroes.)

What Superman and Batman have that those four don't, though, is the fact that everybody knows about them. And I don't just mean their names. Who doesn't know Wonder Woman or Aquaman? What I mean is everybody knows about them. Everybody knows Superman is from Krypton. Everybody knows Batman battles the Joker. Everybody knows Superman rescues Lois Lane. Everybody knows Batman is buddies with Robin. That's the other thing. I want all you casual readers out there to name just one villain to swap blows with Captain Marvel who isn't Black Adam. Go ahead, take your time. You can't do it, can you? You probably don't even know who the hell Black Adam is.

Don't worry, he's one of them White Egyptians.

Now name someone that Batman fights.

Oh? What's that? Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Two-Face, Catwoman?

How about Superman?

Luthor, Bizarro, Doomsday, and Darkseid?

Well how about their friends? Do Batman and Superman have any friends?

Robin, Other Robin, Other Robin, Other Robin, Girl Robin, Batgirl, Batwoman, Alfred, Supergirl, Superboy, Superdog, Lois Lane.

Holy moly, Batman! Looks like everybody knows who you fight against and who you fight them with! I'm betting a good portion of you also know at least one of the Robin's real names (hint: It's probably Dick) and that you ALL know who Batman and Superman are when they aren't wearing capes.

If you guessed Bruce Wayne and Klark Kent, you're right! I'll bet you feel like a real nerd right about now, don't you?

Oh wait, no you don't. Because freaking everybody knows who these two people are. They have been buzzing around for nearly a century liberating people from the forces of evil and upholding liberty, justice, and every possible moral code of conduct you could ever discover that doesn't involve seppuku. This is just what all the other folk heroes have been doing, some of them for not a terrible lot longer than the Man of Steel or the Dark Knight.

These caped crusaders are the heroes of peace and freedom and hope. These heroes are the champions of your father, of your grandfather, and even if you don't know it, they're your champions, too. These men are the legends of our people. 

DC, you might own the trademarks to Superman and Batman, but dammit, you've got nothing on their spirit.

Everyday It Feels Like Summer

This past week has been simply beautiful, for those of us who live in New Hampshire, anyways. Only at night has the air dared to dip below seventy, and I've been soaking up every moment of these sopping, sweaty past few days. All the trials, all the depression, just about everything that had been getting to me for the past five or six months just kind of evaporated, and whatever was left donned a pair of night-in-the-day glasses, rolled up its pant sleeves, and marched out into wiggling day.

Sometimes it also pulled out a pen and wrote. Wrote for hours without eating, peeing, or speaking to anyone. Wrote with this feeling that it knew, but that it hadn't felt in years, possibly a decade. At first it was confusing. All it knew was that this feeling was familiar and that it was good. More good than Superman on his birthday. What was this source of this goodness? What was making every little thing feel so special, so light, and so deep?

Then it realized what that feeling was. It suddenly knew where it had been felt before. This goodness had been felt spending sleepless nights dodging Mr. Salvador with Leon Scott Kenendy, rescuing lost faeries from the Northern Swamp, and bouncing around the small wooded patches of my yard, a place I called the Tropical Gym. These were the days of the Keyblade and Kairi, of Lloyd Irving and the Yggdrasil Tree, of Mewtwo and Master Hand. This feeling that has been not pervading, as it is welcomed, but consuming me nonetheless, these past few days has been youth.

It is that feeling of youth that has made the Creator draw word from pen. That feeling of youth that has chased away the depressed demons, the ferocious fears, and the neurotic nightmares. The feeling of Summer (though I knew it is not, the temperature disagrees with me) is the feeling of Youth. The warm seasons may be every older person's final opportunities to live life like they're young again, and I don't know about you, but that is not an opportunity I am going to miss.

Fairy Glasses

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Do You See What I See?

And absolutely none of us see what Isaac sees! Just what is that? I dunno, go read the story and find out.

As of this morning (way, way too early this morning) I am an "officially" self-published author. Jumping in with both legs first, and I guess there's no turning back from here. Fairy Glasses is currently available via Amazon's many Kindle services for just ninety-nine cents. It's only a short little piece of flash fiction clocking in at just over 200 words, but I've also thrown in the manuscripts and drafts because I absolutely love me some bonus features. If you're ever in need of a quick read, you should definitely, you know, buy me a candy at the check-out counter.

The simple cover, one you will all become rather familiar with as I publish more shorts, was created by my lovely girlfriend Maranda Lee Scott. I opted for a simple, somewhat classical, approach to the cover because I felt that it was kind of a nice contrast to all of the high-resolution, really intense looking covers being shopped onto short stories in the Kindle marketplace. I know it's not really going to catch any eyes, but I'm just really satisfied with a subtle approach, and the Gaming Gremlin looks boss in gold.

If you're into flash fiction and don't mind spreading a bit of that gold ol' American wealth around, just hop on over to Amazon. Or rather, I'll hop you there myself. Go ahead, just click this. It won't bite.

The Field Is on Fire

The field is on fire!
The field is on fire!
Oh boy! Oh boy!
The field is on fire!
The flowers are burning
So warm and snuggly.
Their petals are toasting,
Their stems are roasting,
and the smells are so,
so,
sweet.

Such a sight
Such beauty
Such grace!
The way it dances from grass to tree.
The way it lights the night
as though it were the sun.
I enjoy these flames
And the tapestry they weave.
But then I remember,
With the matches in my hand,
That I am the artist.

Just Shut Up and Do Your Homework

It's only fair that I open this article by letting everybody know that it actually has almost nothing to do with the homework situation in American schools. If you want to read about that, I have written something that might appeal to you here. 

They're Called "Visual Novels"

In recent days I've noticed that around the interwebs writing communities conversations are starting about the ways in which e-books will totally change how people read. They talk about interactivity, or books reading with pictures, music, sound effects, and drawings. Books that are more like video games than books. Or maybe movies. Well, I've tried telling these people, and then I end up telling more people, so let me just go ahead and tell all the people: These things exist and they are called "Visual Novels."

See? Not talkin' outta my ass, here.

The visual novel, or elements of it, have been around since at least the mid 80's, but it's likely that VN's or prototype formats existed prior to this. It seems likely that a number of people involved in the writing industry would be unaware of the visual novel primarily because the format has been incorrectly labeled as a "video game" and released primarily on the PC, and in some cases, video game consoles. However, visual novels, even the more interactive of them, are not video games by any means. While they often feature pretty graphics and sound effects, the emphasis is on the prose and the plot. Just like a novel.

The visual novel pictured above is none other than Katawa Shoujo, a free novel that can be downloaded here. Like a number of other visual novels, Katawa Shoujo is not just a novel spiced up with some pretty drawings and cute girls. The VN unfolds as a choose-your-path story, allowing the reader (note: not the player. There is no "player." Except for Hisao, but I digress.) to impact the characters and environments in a number of ways depending on what options they pick. This format is seen in print novels as well, and those familiar with the Goosebumps franchise have no excuse to not know what I'm talking about.

However, choose-your-own, more appropriately known as "Branching Novels," are not the only visual novels around, and even if they were that doesn't mean they would have to be. Visual novels can read as straight forward, or as branching, and be as short or as long as the author decides or has the resources to produce. 

Now, not everyone is discussing e-books becoming an amalgamated monstrosity with video games. Some people are talking about how e-books can contain links to other sources for further reading, or live videos, or any of a number of in-text options. Kind of like what the format has been doing for well over a decade now, even if exclude web books.

E-books are not a new format, people. They are simply an old format that is being rediscovered through new devices. Everybody needs to get with the program.

Quick warning: Katawa Shoujo contains some material intended exclusively for adults. Some people might find it pornographic, but it's more like a story that happens to have sex in it. You know, basically like the entire Young Adult genre. But whatever. Thought I'd let you all know.

Fantasy Smash Bros.: Fighting Polygon

It's been a surprising while since I've done a Fantasy Smash post, especially considering how ridiculously obsessive I am about this franchise. And unfortunately, this post will be a short one as there isn't a whole lot to say about this particular character. (Species, maybe?)

The Fighting Polygon Team were introduced in the original in the original Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 64, and were promptly never heard from again. However, their legacy has lived on. In Super Smash Bros.: Melee for the GCN, the Polygons were replaced with an updated form known as the Fighting Wire Frames, though these only had two forms: a male and a female. They were followed by a third successor in Super Smash Bros.: Brawl: the Fighting Alloys, which were more powerful and adept fighters than the Wire Frames, having more forms, but unlike either of their predecessors, the Alloys were unable to utilize weapons in combat.

For the first time in over ten years, the Fighting Polygons return, this time as a playable character. The only character to represent the Super Smash Bros. franchise that can be used by players without hacking, the Fighting Polygon begins each battle as a randomly generated Polygon which mimics any of the currently unlocked playable characters. When a Polygon is defeated, a separate Polygon will respawn, taking the form and moves of a different character.

That's the gimmick, you see.

This makes the Fighting Polygon kind of like Smash Bros.' answer to Mokujin. The Polygon's take not only the shape of the other fighters, but also their stats, taunts, attacks, victory and loss animations. And this time around, unlike the last, the Polygons are capable of using the special attacks and Final Smashes of the individuals they're modeled after. However, the Polygons do not copy the sounds (actually, Polygons lack voices. The only sounds they make are the sounds of movement and impact.) or entrances of the fighters they mimic.

The entrance would be the same for all Fighting Polygons: a platform appears above the stage, upon which the Polygon materializes. Just like the entrance used for all characters in Melee, and the respawn used in all games. This is in honor of the Polygon being the only playable Smash Bros. native. Here's a video from Melee to show you what I mean:

Additionally, while the Polygons mimic the victory animations of the original character, they do not use that character's victory theme. Instead, the victory theme for the Polygons is the first ten or so seconds of the intro theme from Melee. Right up until the big "baaaaaaahhhhh" which would be cut short but spiced up to fit with the snazzy "YOU WIN" feel of the victory tunes.

I guess that's about all I can say on the Polygons. Here's their alternate palettes. The first four are based not only on the multiplayer colors, but also the Alloy colors. The last costume is based on the Primids from the Subspace Emissary.

Obvious Troll is Obvious

So there's a group of people on a message board discussing the armed services, and one individual happens by and adds his two-cents to the conversation. Now, his two-cents happen to be "I think everyone in the armed services is a moronic dick." Maybe he could have worded things better, maybe he's a big moron, I don't know, I don't really care. And nobody else should, either, because clearly this poster's true human face looks a little something like:

U Mad?

Right? This guy can't be serious can he? He must be trolling. He just said something negative about the armed services! His opinion doesn't line up with everybody else's. I've never seen a more obvious troll in my life!

Credit given: Source in photo.

Let me get this straight, Internet. Just because somebody doesn't agree with the popular opinion, and will continue to support their position, that makes them a Troll? Has anybody stopped for one minute to think about this? We are not mentally linked automatons. This is why wars still happen. People have different opinions. Why is it that when somebody has one you don't agree with, and will defend that unpopular opinion that they must be trolls?

Okay, yes, there are Trolls. There are actually people who have nothing better to do with their lives than cruise around the internet saying inflammatory things just to watch the ensuing shitstorm with a bag of popcorn. But not everybody who disagrees with the popular opinion is one of these people. Maybe it's because people who spend large amounts of time on the internet don't actually get out and converse with people who don't agree with them, or maybe it's because people are so fucking afraid of any individualism that they don't associate with anybody outside of their "group" of same-minded drones, but there are people in this world who have strong opinions that don't line up with yours. At all.

It is totally fair of you to be offended by the opinions of these individuals, and it is totally fair of you to wish not to associate with individuals who so strongly hold values you find offensive, but it is not fair to just assume that everybody who stands against the norm is a Troll.

It also isn't fair to call somebody who is having a difficult time even understanding your position or how to actually use the internet a Troll. We were all n00bs at some point. Not all of the morons are Trolls. Some of them really are just dumb, or in a lot of cases, ten years old and naive to the ways of the internet. Instead of vehemently accusing everybody you come across of being a Troll, maybe just ignore them until they go away. If they're a Troll, they'll get bored; if they're a kid, they'll go learn how the internet works.

tl;dr: Not everyone agrees with you. Grow up and stop bitching about "Trolls."

Seriously, Guys? Come On!

Now, a lot of you probably know that I'm a strong advocate of not harassing individuals for their sexual fantasies. And while I'm not particularly happy about Paypal's recent "force the world not to write porn" stance, there is a limit where sexual fantasy becomes concerning. That limit is when one of the search terms that shows up as having brought you wonderful peoples to my blog being: "baby looney tunes lola fucked porn henta."

Okay, so I get it. Lola's hot. Basically every dude who ever watched Space Jam has at some point searched Google for the glorious amounts of rabbit and carrot pics. I knew I was opening myself up to a certain amount of that traffic just by typing her name (while I'm at it: Krystal, Blaze, Peach, Zelda, Samus, Jasmine, Ariel, Kim Possible, Minerva Mink, Jessica Rabbit and Colleen.) That is something I can deal with. I'm okay with that.

Very okay with that...

But you know what I'm not okay with? I'm not okay with the word at the very beginning of that search phrase. Go up there and remind yourself exactly what that search term is. Because what I'm not okay with is people looking for porn of this:

She's adorable! :3

Seriously guys? Look at that. It's a little baby infant Lola Bunny in a diaper. She's adorable, not sexy. That's something you kind of want to pat on the head and give a cookie. The chocolate chip kind, you sickos. Did any of you at anytime ever want to go plug Lil or Angelica or any of the other Rugrats? No, because they're babies. Because that's freaking wrong. When you're a parent and you tuck your kid in at night, the last thing on your mind should be "Gosh, I'm horny." unless your wife is in the other room wearing that pink lace lingerie you picked up at the Old Navy (but she'll never know.)

And that "when" was meant to mean "in the future." I do not assume that any of you are parents now, although some of you are, and I would be disappointed if you got here from that search (but please, feel free to get here by searching for Tia Tanaka all you'd like. That's more than welcomed.) So all you snickering little teen dicks who are looking at your pedobud and going "Haha, dumbass thinks we're parents." should kindly shut your stupid face. You're still sick, and you should know better.

Also:

I don't know what a "Massive Lola Bunny" is, but if you're looking for something erotic, the term "Massive" might not be a good one to start with.

Remix

One
Two
One two
Three four
One two three four
CRASH
cymbals drums
Drum drum cymbal
Drum
Drum
Drum
Screech and hollar
Unruly fanfare
Stomp drum CRASH
Spin, leap, moonwalk
Twang twang twang
Drum drum
Twang
Whistle, a flute
Violin rising
Fading bass
Drum
Female murmur, whisper, and hum
Cue the choir
Single harp, slow and soft
CRASH
Cheer, howl, shout
Applaud
Drum twang twang drum
Burst of fire
Twang twang
Drum
cymbal cymbal twang drum
Scream
Spin, twirl, moonwalk
Stop
Dim
Drum... Drum...
Twang (fade)
Drum...
Choir (fade)
Drum...
Hum (fade)
...
...
...
Encore

I Can See Infinity

I can see everything that has ever been, and everything that ever will be, and everything that could have once been, and everything that could someday be. Reality is a limitless expanse of possibilities, and I can view them all. This is a gift I received from beings most believe not to be real. I did not. But they came, they did, and granted me the ability to see into other realms. Beyond humans, beyond Earth. Worlds of aliens, hostile or kind, of Elves, of dictatorships, of apocalypse, of nothing.

The world on which we live is only one instance amongst infinite others of what it could be. Anything you think of becomes elsewhere a reality. Or rather, whatever you think you can only think because elsewhere in this multiverse it is real. The brain is a gateway into other realms, and if you want to understand all there is to understand, you must not be afraid to look beyond these gates.

My abilities, however, surpass the common being. I can see the branches connecting one world to the next. And I can follow them back to the very beginning. To the mighty tree Yggdrasil, whose many roots hold the multiverse together and feed life into its planets. There are few others like me in this multiverse, and I am sure you will hear of them soon. 

Like me, the few others were visited by the Fay, or the Faire Folk, or the Faeries, or whatever it is you prefer to make them known as. Two beings appeared to me a night not long ago. They were about as tall as my finger, and covered in magnificent glitter. Shrixie and Tixle they called themselves, and they used golden wands to grant me with this power in exchange for some honey on bread.

I'm at a bit of a loss. There's so much I can't understand.

But what I do understand is this: We are not, never have been, and never will be alone.

Girl I Don't Know

Hey, look at you
Girl I don't know
With bright blue eyes
And slender brown hair
You're looking mighty fine

Hey, look at you
Girl I don't know
With half-parted lips
And perfect, curved hips
Would you mind if I made you mine?

Hey, look at you
Girl I don't know
Because I just can't turn away.
Drew me in with that slanting, sly smile
Now I'm here to stay

Hey, look at you
Girl I don't know
Beautiful as ever today
You said "hello" when passed by
I still don't know your name

Hey, look at you
Girl with a ring
And slender brown hair
And bright blue eyes
I gotta say
You're looking fine